Comfort
by Witty-Kate
Summary: Sam's being tormented by Lucifer and Castiel just wants to help him. Nightmares, blood addiction, hallucinations, and fluff ends up leading the two friends down an interesting path. Sam/ Cas preslash
1. Chapter 1

**Comfort **

**Chapter 1**

It was an offhanded comment from Sam which first rose Castiel's suspicions. To anyone else it may have seemed innocent enough but if he had learnt one thing about the younger Winchester it was that things were rarely that simple.

It didn't take long for him to figure it out, every time he visited the brothers, Sam looked more and more tired. It wasn't unusual to see them sipping on cups of coffee but Sam began to stink of the stuff. His eyes seemed permanently heavy and blood shot, he was getting into arguments with Dean about his performance while hunting, he was even forgetting the most straightforward of things. At times when Castiel visited them, he would often see Sam cradling his head in his hands when he thought Dean wasn't watching.

During one particular visit, he was almost falling asleep on his laptop as he typed away, his head rolling every time he blinked. Castiel had attempted to excuse himself, to allow them to rest, only for Dean to claim they had not long woken up and had no need for anymore sleep.

That may have been true for Dean, but as Castiel eyed Sam carefully, he highly doubted the same could be said for his brother.

"Castiel?"

Sam had barely whispered one night, just before he departed. Dean had already left for the nearest bar at this point and he was just about to fly off too when the soft sound reached his ears. It was so quiet, if he hadn't have been an angel he would probably have missed it.

"Yes?" He responded, turning his attention away from the heavens and back to the young man who so rarely asked anything of him.

"Is there a way... Is there a way to stop angels entering your dreams?" He questioned reluctantly, his head hung as he sat on the corner of their latest motel's mattress.

Just like that, Castiel suddenly understood the last few weeks for what they were. Understood why he always seemed to be fighting off sleep when he so clearly needed the rest. He was embarrassed to admit he hadn't even thought of it before.

Lucifer.

"No, not that I am aware. It's your mind Sam, all I can suggest is for you to try and take control. Force him out."

Sam had nodded, chest fallen, before he snapped on this fake, reassuring smile as he looked up at the angel.

"Okay, well it's nothing I can't handle anyway... don't worry about it... thanks."

Just who he was trying to convince with that, Castiel was not sure but he took that to be his dismissal and left.

Try as he might, he could not get Sam out of his head for the following days, even when dealing with the panic in heaven he could not stop thinking about their conversation.

Three days later and he found himself being drawn to the Winchesters room. As expected Dean was fast asleep, snoring away. One look towards Sam, showed he too was finally resting but it hardly looked like the peaceful one he needed.

The covers were screwed up tightly under his fists, he was hunched in on himself, tossing his head, his eyes squeezed so tightly together in distress that Castiel worried he was going to end up marking himself.

He was tempted to reach out with his grace to try and settle him, but against an archangel it would do little to help and Sam had had so much forced into his body without consent before, adding something else just seemed wrong somehow.

No matter how pure his intentions were.

He thought about waking him, to free him from whatever nightmare Lucifer was playing to him, but his body needed the sleep. He knew enough from watching him the last few visits to predict he wouldn't attempt to sleep again tonight if he disrupted him.

Not knowing how on earth to help, Castiel simply stood and watched, praying the Angel would get bored soon and leave him be.

"What are you watching?" Castiel asked, his head tilted as he took in the scene currently playing on the TV. There was far too much clothing involved for it to be one of Dean's usual programs.

Dean almost jumped a mile when the angel appeared beside him, clutching at his chest as he lunged off the bed in surprise.

"Dude what have I told you, learn to knock."

Castiel did not bother to dignify that with a response, just continued to study the film in front of him. A woman was being held, pulled into someone's side as they sat on a sofa, circles being rubbed on her back.

"What are they doing?" He did not recognise the gesture. When a human was upset, from what he had seen, they were hugged, or punched lightly in the arm and told to get other it, in Dean's case.

"Comforting each other... you know... 'There, there it's okay'?"

Castiel did not know. Nor did he understand why Dean was suddenly patting his shoulder.

"How is that meant to help?"

"It just does okay. It's a human thing. When someone you care about is hurting, people find it... reassuring. Soothing, whatever you want to call it." Dean replied. Reaching up, he pressed a button just below the screen and darkness descended, cutting the picture off completely. "Just for the record I wasn't watching a soap, capiche?"

He did not capiche. There were certainly no soap bars in the room which Castiel could see. Besides Dean should have probably been using them rather than watching them if there were.

It seemed a very odd statement to point out.

Castiel was somewhere in Utah the next night when he heard it, a desperate plea for someone to make it stop. It wasn't addressed to him, to be honest it could barely be considered a prayer, but he was so attuned to Sam he picked up on it in a heartbeat. His wings were unbound in less than a second and he took flight before they were fully erect.

He landed in the motel between the two beds before the '_please' _had even finished and Castiel had to wonder, just how bad the torment was for him to be able to pray in his sleep. He wasn't entirely sure what he was planning to do now he was there, he just knew that if Sam wasn't going to ask for help, then he had to be the one to give it.

Once again Sam was on his stomach, twisted at a weird angle so his knees could be pulled in on himself. His face was buried into the pillows, if his body temperature was anything to go by, the sheets had long ago been thrown to the floor. Castiel could just about make out one half of his face and just the sight of it gave the angel the strangest feeling in his chest.

No one deserved this.

Least of all Sam, who seemed determined to suffer in silence.

Perching himself awkwardly on the edge of Sam's mattress, Castiel just watched him for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face. He couldn't understand why he wouldn't tell Dean about this, why he was so set on enduring this alone that even in his sleep, his mind prevented him from crying out loud.

He knew Dean didn't always take things well, but from what he had seen, he always tried to be there for his brother as best he could. He would want to know about this. He would want to be told.

Yet even with this knowledge, Castiel made no move to enlighten the older Winchester. It wasn't his place to interfere with the affairs of his charges.

Even if that was exactly what he was doing by even being there.

Glancing towards the motel's TV screen, barely visible in the darkened night and then to lump that he knew to be Dean, in the next bed, Castiel came to a decision.

Slowly reaching out, he placed the palm of his vessel's hand on the top part of Sam's back and gently patted twice, just like Dean and that 'soap' had shown him. The fact that move alone was not enough to wake a skilled hunter like Sam, caused his concern to deepen.

The move had no effect on the boy at all and Castiel had to wonder if he was somehow doing it wrong.

Sam's grip turned deadly on the old mattress and if his brain would allow him to make a noise, Castiel was sure he would be whimpering by now.

He tapped him again uncomfortably, using not even a tenth of his Vessels strength, up until that point, he had been unaware he'd even possessed the ability to be that gentle. But he felt it was necessary now. He did not want to wake him, just offer some comfort.

"It's okay. Sam." He whispered into the night, wondering if words would help too. Again, if it did, Sam showed no visible signs of this. Instead his mouth opened and he pushed his head into the pillow, as if he was trying to muffle a none existing scream.

This was ridiculous, he was an Angel, a Worrier, a tornado in a tea cup. He was not designed to do this.

Yet he couldn't bring himself to leave.

Off all the things he had done in all the millennia's he had been alive, this one somehow felt like it was the most important.

Maybe he had to be closer?

Scooting slightly towards Sam, Castiel leaned back against the wall and turned so his body was no longer perched but resting as a human did when they were sat up in bed. It felt weird to have his legs straight when he was in this position. He was unsure if they had been like this before- at least he knew they hadn't since he had taken Jimmy's body as his own. It was surprisingly stiff, his calves did not seem to want his legs the way they were, they were tight, apparently desiring a slight bend. Castiel ignored this.

Uneasily he placed his arm which was closet to Sam on his back again, patting it, repetitively this time. Rubbing a small circle along his shoulder blade between every few taps.

"He's not here Sam, whatever your seeing is not real."

When Sam showed no signs of calming, Castiel repeated the statement again.

Over and over.

His voice kept low so he didn't cause Dean to awaken. He did not want to have to explain this.

Oh if the other angels could see him now.

Half a human hour after he started, he realised something. Sam had stopped moving, he was no longer twisting in his sleep, his face no longer screwed up as if he was in pain, but relaxed, much like Deans.

Castiel felt a tug at the corner of his lips as he stared down at the sleeping form.

Well he might have been a poor excuse for an angel, but at least he was able to get something right.

He was gone before either of the Winchesters began to wake.

This carried on for about two weeks. Cas would hear Sam's nightmares getting out of hand, hear him begging Lucifer to leave him alone and then he would go to him. He would sit all night, patting his shoulder and telling him it was okay, he was safe. Every time, Sam would eventually begin to loosen up and fall into a more peaceful, undisturbed sleep.

It became a comfortable pattern of normality for Castiel. It didn't matter to him that Sam was unaware of what he was doing for him. Why would it? He wasn't doing it for credit. He was doing it because the boy with the demon blood, had the kindest heart he had so far encountered. Who else would suffer the way he was, just to allow his brother peace of mind?

Flying to the Winchesters, Castiel studied the room they were in. They had moved again, but he had learnt by now never to expect them to be in the same surroundings as the previous night.

"Castiel? Hi." Sam greeted him almost instantly, surprising the angel. He was so used to having Dean yell something at him as he shot out of his skin, it made a refreshing change. He studied Sam carefully for a moment or two, tilting his head as he took in the scene. He was sat at a desk, laptop open and piles off books and newspaper articles littered around him. It was obvious he was in the middle of some serious research.

"Are you busy Sam? I can come back. "

"No don't be silly." Sam argued, gesturing with his arm, for Castiel to take a seat on the bed. "Do you need something?"

"Not particularly, I am still searching for God, but you cannot help with that." He replied bluntly, causing Sam to snort and flash him a soft smile.

Castiel decided he very much enjoyed seeing that expression on Sam's face, it was the most genuine one he had worn in a long time. His eyes looked a lot brighter now, the bags and redness had vanished. For once he looked rested, relaxed and not on the edge of completely burning out.

It made the Angel feel good, knowing he had helped with that.

"Don't ever change man."Sam said with a laugh, confusing the angel.

"I've already changed Sam, I rebelled."

"Yeah... I just meant... never mind."

Castiel often wondered if Sam ever stayed on the same tangent for long.

"Are you hunting something?"

"Yeah, we're not sure what yet. There's been a string of deaths down town, the patterns date back all the way to when records began. There's crime reports from all over, it seems to move place to place, the cause of death is always unknown but they are found in the same position each time."

Sam ruffled though the loose clippings, pulling out a more recent crime scene photo of the victim and handed it to the angel. Castiel studied it carefully for a moment, his head tilted, the position the woman was in sure didn't look very comfortable. He supposed it didn't really matter, given she was already dead.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance."

Castiel caught wind of a rumour going around the catholic churches, of a man claiming to be in contact with god. Hearsay spoke off bush fires speaking to him, orders given in the most peculiar ways and good fortune falling on those who listened.

It was in a desert in the middle east.

Castiel had no choice but to follow it up.

The problem was he would have to remain there at all times, he couldn't skip out to go see Sam for hours each day. He fought with himself internally for a while over this. In the end, he saw no other option but to go. If he managed to talk to God, then he could end the apocalypse once and for all. There would be no Lucifer haunting Sam in the night to deal with anymore.

A few days away wouldn't kill him and in the long run, maybe it would help.

Sam had survived with less sleep for longer.

He had been wrong. So very wrong.

The trail had turned to nothing, just a wayward angel with too much time on his hands. Castiel had not have been pleased. Especially when he found out Jehoel was just acting on Michaels orders, keeping him busy as he went after Dean.

Dean, thankfully had not been stupid and despite several broken limbs had refused to say yes. The archangel had put the brothers back together again by the time Castiel returned. That did not make him any less angry.

He searched for them as soon as he established what was going on. He found them in Bobby Singers house, almost a week after last speaking to Sam while they were on that hunt. He believed they had dealt with the creature quiet smoothly and had stopped by their surrogate father's to help with another case in the area soon after.

Dean and Bobby were in the kitchen, drinking copious amounts of alcohol in celebration of something or another. Probably decking the demon, or whatever had cropped up in the town.

Sam was the hunter Castiel was concerned for however, so he bypassed them and went straight for

the bathroom. Remembering all too well Dean's instructions on the restricted zones, Castiel took a moment to make sure Sam was not sat on the cubical, submerged in water, or was in anyway unclothed from the waist down.

Satisfied that none of them were the case, despite where the younger man was sitting, the angel landed and made himself visible.

He almost wished he didn't.

Sam was sat on the toilet seat lid, his head resting in the palms of his hands, hunched forward. He had small droplets of sweat covering his brow and had a slight tremble to him.

Castiel never understood the expression 'as white as a ghost' given that ghosts were transparent, but looking at Sam now, he was starting to get it. His skin was deprived off all colour and he looked like he had dropped a fair bit of weight. He must not have been eating well either.

"Hello Sam." He said cautiously, trying his hardest not to spook the young man.

He didn't so much as flinch, his reflexes at an all time low.

"Hey Castiel." He replied simply, but made no effort to look up at him, drained of pretty much all of his energy.

"You should sleep."

Sam shook his head, slowly at first, but more vigorously as time went on.

"Is Lucifer still haunting you?" Castiel asked as he took a seat on the bath tub. He didn't always get human customs, but Sam seemed to like it when he was sitting down others were too when they spoke to him, so he obliged.

"Every time I close my eyes. He let up for a while, but I guess that was just to torture me more when he came back. He's just always there. He's Jess, He's dad, he's bobby, Dean, Mom, you. Anyone I care about. He's there and he's saying and doing and... I can't take this, I can't take him turning the few good memories I have and twisting them. Why can't he stop? Why won't he just leave me alone."

Of all the things the angel had expected, Sam confiding in him like that wasn't one of them.

"Physiological torment is often the most successful." He replied rather unhelpfully.

Truth be told he didn't know what to say. He had learnt how to help the young Winchester when he was asleep, but he was unsure whether that would be an appropriate action while he was awake. He was all too aware of the distance between them when they were both functioning properly.

"Yeah you can say that again... " He scoffed, before his body sank and shook more. "Sorry you don't need to hear this."

"If I could find away to stop him I would Sam."

"I know, It's okay, really, It's not your job to help me."

The last part was said in barely a whisper, but Castiel heard it clearer than anything. Of course it was true, Dean was his charge. Not Sam, it was never about Sam. Heaven had ordered him to guide Dean on the right path, to protect Dean. Only Dean. Truth be told, he only kept Sam alive for him to be able to for fill the prophesies and kill Lilith.

At times he had wanted to end his life.

On more occasions than he cared to admit he questioned why he wasn't allowed to.

But that was then, and this was now. He was no longer working under heaven's command.

"You have a strange definition of okay Sam." Cas stated, realising not a truer word could have been spoken. He was starting to realise 'okay' meant ' as far from okay as I could possibly be.' "And I come for the both of you."

He wasn't sure if Sam heard him or not, his eyelids already drooping closed as he pressed his hands harder into his forehead.

Reaching out and slowly placing his hand on his shoulder Castiel gave it a gentle, yet firm squeeze, pulling him towards him slightly.

As Sam sighed and gave in Castiel vowed to never let him sleep another night alone again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Castiel waited until he was sure Sam was asleep before he attempted to move him. Technically he could fly them both to his desired location with nothing more than a pinkie finger touching the young man, but somehow that didn't seem like it would ever be enough to support him. Without really thinking about it he found himself wrapping his arm around Sam's back and tightening his grip.

He needed to make sure Lucifer left him alone tonight.

He paused as he unravelled his wings, wondering where to take him.

Recalling where the Winchesters slept last time he visited the house, Castiel flew them downstairs and gently re arranged Sam so he was laying on his back on the all too small sofa, pillows propped underneath his head to prevent neck strain.

Looking around, he grabbed a throw from the back of an arm chair and carefully placed it over him. Lucifer ran cold, it was important Sam stayed warm. He needed to be able to separate reality with what was happening inside his own mind.

When he was sure he was comfortable, he perched himself on the arm rest. His hand automatically reaching down to Sam's shoulder, rubbing small circles just below the arm socket. He couldn't reach his back like this, so this would have to do. Hopefully it didn't make too much of a difference. He was still unsure whether there were rules on what areas could be caressed. He figured as long as he stayed away from the 'Private regions' that Dean had explained, then he should be fine.

An echo from the kitchen caused Castiel to divert his attention to the doorway, his angel senses picking up on what his vessels ears could not. It took him a moment to register what it was he could hear as he zoned in on the two hunter's actions. The scrapping of chairs as they stood up, heavier footsteps- Bobby's- heading towards the sink, glasses being submerged in water, Dean knocking into a table, then them both turning and heading towards the room he and Sam currently occupied.

In the blink of an eye, Castiel changed his celestial awareness, preventing the human form from picking up on him. Dean liked to call it his invisibility clock, though this reference made no sense to the angel, he did not put on a coat he simply used his grace to alter what they could see.

After failing Sam as badly as he had, he was determined to stay for as long as the boy needed to sleep for tonight. He had a funny feeling Dean would completely object to this though. He had a issue with being watched while he slept. They had found this out the hard way.

So he kept himself hidden, just to be on the safe side.

"Kid fell asleep then" Bobby affirmed as he walked though the room, pausing as he headed to the stairway to take a long look at Sam's sleeping form. Castiel had to fight the sudden desire to stand in front of him. Had to remind himself that he had no reason to have to protect Sam from them.

"Thank god for that." Dean replied, his eyebrows raising as he removed his top layer of clothing. Castiel could not fandom why Bobby seeing him in his undergarments was acceptable but for Castiel it was not. Humans were such bizarre creatures. He didn't think he would ever truly understand them.

Still, Dean had been quite clear, so Castiel adverted his eyes, instead focusing on the top of Sam's head.

" He's been trying to hide it, but he's been having nightmares for weeks." Dean continued.

The angel felt this temper flare, a hot burning rage shooting though his very being.

Dean knew?

Then why wasn't he helping Sam? Why was he forcing his brother to suffer though this in silence? Thinking he was protecting him from knowledge he already had? That was just cruel.

"Always was prone to them"

"I thought it was due to withdrawal at first. We were on a hunt over in Louisiana and he got demon blood on him. Never seen him stare at something with so much conviction before. I left it on the blade that night, just to see what he'd do."Dean admitted and it took all of Castiel's self control not to snap back into a form they could perceive and smack him in the face.

"And?" Bobby asked, causing the angel to shift his scowl to him too. That was not an acceptable response.

Dean shook his head and shrugged a shoulder indicating if he was on the juice again, he had a good way of hiding it.

Castiel, found himself gripping hold of the edge of the sofa, his grace swimming with desire to smite them. He didn't understand much about human customs but he damn well knew you didn't just leave someone to deal with things like this alone. Dean might know Sam better than he ever would but testing his resolve like that was asking for trouble.

Any ... guilt he did feel about not telling Dean what was going on quickly vanished. He didn't deserve to know the whole story, not when he so easily jumped to such awful conclusions.

The two said nothing else as they departed ways for the night but Dean shifted uncomfortably and kept looking over his shoulder suspiciously. Castiel realised his grace was reaching out to him in anger and quickly reigned it in. Dean was his friend, the one destined to stop the apocalypse. He had to remember that.

Still, he could not stop himself giving the man diarrhoea that night and watching in great satisfaction every time he had to run to the bathroom.

Asshole.

Sam slept for 36 hours straight, showing just how exhausted he really had been. Castiel kept his promise. He did not once leave Sam's side. Instead he sat there, whispering reassurances and rubbing circles on his arm, brushing his hand up and down his shoulder every time he so much as stirred. They had a few instances where Castiel really had to fight to calm Sam down, but he had managed each time.

He glared daggers when Dean and Bobby awoke and did nothing but watch Sam when he tossed or threw his head to the side in distress.

Whether they thought he was on the Demon blood again or not, that didn't give them an excuse to do nothing.

When talk turned to maybe having to tie him down 'just encase', Castiel couldn't contain himself and a light above them smashed.

It provided a good distraction.

They had been hunting a none existing ghost since.

When Sam began to stir Castiel stood up slowly, not wanting to jar him awake.

He should have flown off, he had done what he had came to. There was no reason for him to stay.

He did though.

He took barely two steps over to the arm chair and took a seat, his eyes never once leaving Sam's face.

He did not want him to awaken alone. His last memories being of the people around him saying or even doing, such horrible things.

"Hello Sam." He said as Sam sat up and wiped at his eyes.

The young Winchester turned to gaze in his direction, confused as he fought of the last remains of sleep.

"Hey?" Sam replied sleepily and Castiel had to admit it was one of the nicest sights he had ever seen. Sam cranked his neck from side to side, flexed his fingers and stretched his arms and back. Castiel gave him a moment to regain his bearings before he spoke again.

"You've been out thirty six hours, seven minutes and twelve seconds. I moved you down here after you fell asleep." He explained causing Sam to blink as he tried to register what he just said. His mind was still slightly foggy.

Then his cheeks flushed bright pink and he cringed.

"Oh g...shoot... Cas... sorry... man I fell asleep on you... oh my g...SORRY!" He garbled, jumping to his feet. Unfortunately he moved to quickly for his limbs to follow properly and he soon found himself falling back down onto the edge of the couch. As he landed, the seat cushion did a flip and quickly sent him flying to the floor. Seconds later it landed on top of him with a thump.

It was Castiel's turn to just blink.

The corners of his mouth twitched and his shoulders shook once.

Now that was amusing.

Sam rubbed at the back of his head as he looked up at the angel sheepishly, his hair falling over his eyes.

"It's quite alright Sam." Castiel settled on eventually saying.

Humans got embarrassed over the strangest of things.

"Where's Dean?" Sam asked looking around, the old farm house was far too quiet for his liking.

"Grave digging I believe. He may be under the impression this place is haunted."

"What gave him that idea?"

"I did." He stated simply and Sam was slightly taken aback by the honesty. "He was, getting, under my skin." He continued, chewing on the phasing carefully.

Sam snorted.

Castiel's lips twitched into a half smile.

He supposed he got the context of it right after all.

They stayed silent for a moment before Sam broke it by clumsily getting to his feet.

"Urrr I think I need to freshen up... I'm just gunna..." He pointed up the stairs, running a hand though his hair to move it out of his line of vision.

Castiel nodded.

"Right, of course." Though he didn't understand at all what Sam was referring to. " I'll make you a sandwich for when you are done. Your stomach has been quite loudly protesting for several hours now."

Sam blushed again as he placed his hand on his belly, his hair falling back into his face and his eyes briefly squeezing shut in an expression the angel had yet to come to recognise.

He muffled out a thanks as he quickly ascended the stairs.

Castiel turned to make his way into the kitchen, then paused as a flop of hair came back into his vision.

"Wait, angel's know how to make sandwiches?"

"I'm celestial being Sam, how difficult can it be?"

It turned out it was very difficult. Very difficult indeed.

He understood the mechanics of it.

Bread

Filling

More bread.

But he did not know what Sam liked and Bobby had many options.

Did he want pressed curds of cow milk? The meat of a pig? Crushed strawberries? The fridge was full of choice and Castiel had no experience of the taste of such things to be able to tell what was a good combination and what would make the man sick.

If it was Dean, he would have demanded pie, he was quite vocal in his likes and dislikes. Made sure everyone around him knew his preferences whenever he was presented with anything.

But Sam was not Dean and Castiel was clueless.

It wasn't as simple as just allowing himself to throw something together.

Sam would eat it whether he liked what was put in front of him or not, rather than come across as rude and refuse it.

And Castiel did not want to put him in that position.

So he stared at the contents of the fridge for as long as he heard the shower going for.

He had to get this right.

When Sam entered the room, hair damp and in a change of clothes, Cas seated himself at the table and waited for him to do the same.

The second Sam saw the tray of food, his mouth dropped.

When Cas had said a sandwich, he was pretty much assuming he meant it in the singular terms. Instead laid out untouching in the centre of Bobby's old oak, were piles of the stuff.

"I was unsure what you would like." Cas said simply, watching Sam's expression with unease.

He knew he would get it wrong.

Sam's mouth remained agape as he slowly pulled up a chair.

"When you grow up on diner food you learn to eat anything." He replied with a small smile. He glanced up at Castiel and seemed to quickly realise that this meant something to him. Reaching over he grabbed the nearest one and quickly took a bite out of it. "Thanks Castiel this is great! But you didn't have to go to all this trouble."

"It was no trouble Sam."

Sam smiled and took a look at each loaf individually, trying to work out what ingredients he had used and if he needed to go shopping to replace Bobby's fridge before they left.

"Just one question." he continued, his brows knitting together as his eyes landed on something at the far edge of the tray. "What on earth is that one?"

He pointed towards a soggy brown roll that quite frankly looked like it was oozing out vinegar and smelt like the contents of Dean's stomach after a night out.

"Dean says everything taste better with beer, I am not sure the bread agrees with that." Castiel answered seriously.

The angel had not expected the laugh which came next.

Or the way Sam threw his head back as his whole body shook from the sound he emitted.

It was pleasant sound Castiel decided.

It made his chest feel warm.

"Dude, your unbelievable!"

As Sam picked up another sandwich, Castiel eyed the food warily. As he took a bite, the angel reached out and hesitantly picked one up himself. He studied it for a moment before bringing it to his lips and sinking his teeth in.

It tasted of molecules.

With a hint of something sweet.

It wasn't as bad as he thought, Jimmy's stomach certainly seemed to be enjoying it.

Castiel felt eyes on him and looked up from the snack to find Sam's disbelieving ones.

He tilted his head and Sam seemed to realise he was staring.

"Sorry... but since when do you eat?"

Castiel swallowed hard.

Now that was a question.

He thought about ignoring him.

He thought about lying to him.

He did neither.

"My rebellion has cut me off from heaven. My grace is...fading."

"What?"

"Eventually I will lose it completely." He admitted.

He couldn't bring himself to remain looking at Sam, he was hoping to keep this fact from the Winchesters for as long as possible.

"There must be something we can do?"

Castiel didn't need to have Sam's face in his vision to be able to see the horror written on it, it was wound into his very voice.

"I knew the consequences of defying Michaels orders. Of siding with you and Dean."

"Cas, I'm sorry" Sam stammered, at a loss of what else to say.

"Do not be sorry Sam, I made the decision, not you."

It wasn't a decision he had come to regret either. So long as he could continue to be of assistance to them in stopping the apocalypse.

"What happens when it fades? To you I mean." The younger Winchester questioned, concern replacing horror in his tone. It felt strange to Castiel, to be the one someone was concerned about for a change.

He didn't like it.

"I am unsure, but I feel I won't be any use to either of you when it happens."

"Use to us? Cas.."

"Its fine Sam."

"No its not, Your one of us, you're always going to be one of us. Family doesn't mean having uses for each other. It's so much more. Castiel your stuck with us, Angel, human, cyborg swimming in the ocean, whatever you are, your with us. Family doesn't end with blood, and it certainly doesn't end with power."

Castiel felt something catch in his throat and he had to double check he had not just wrongly swallowed something.

He hadn't, but that didn't help him place the feeling.

The corners of his mouth twitched once, twice, three times before they broke out into his first proper smile.

If anyone was to ever ask him why he made the choices he did, he had a feeling this moment would be the one he told them off.

Especially when Sam smiled back.

**(a/n) Thank so much to everyone whose reading this 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**(A/N) pre warning panic attack and slight mention of some sort self harm, so dont read if your affected by that**

The following nights had not been easy ones for Sam, Lucifer's current vessel was wearing out, almost splitting at the seams. He was getting impatient, angry and desperate. It made him go after the hunter with so much more force than before. Castiel did not know what visions had been played out before Sam's very eyes as he slept- he liked to pretend they weren't happening and Castiel would never invade his privacy by taking a look himself. More than anything he hoped the horrendous scenes his mind came up with were so much worse than what Sam had to experience.

The Winchester's had left Bobby's three days ago now and Dean was once again passed out drunk in their motel room. Sam had fought to stay awake as long as possible, kept himself busy with making sure his older brother wouldn't end up choking on his own vomit. Inevitably though he could only fight off sleep for so long before he was forced to crawl into bed.

He only planned to close his eyes for two minutes but before he even counted to ten, his brain had pulled him under.

Castiel appeared next to him seconds later.

Lucifer didn't give Sam a moment to rest. Descending on his dreams in a heartbeat. Almost as soon as Sam drifted off he began to show signs that the torment was already taking hold.

Castiel had a horrible feeling tonight was going to be a bad one.

An hour later and he was well and truly being proven right.

For the first time since the nightmares started, Sam began to make noises in his sleep. He tossed, he turned, he whimpered, he begged. His limbs shot everywhere, his muscles were tense, his breathing was getting more and more erratic. He cried out for Dean over and over. His body curled as small as his frame would allow, his face buried in the pillows one moment, then flung around the next.

Dean was too far gone under the alcohols influence to hear him. A quick visit from Castiel, ensured the occupants of the next few rooms were too.

The angel had never seen Sam react like this before and he found himself cursing Lucifer ten times over. If he thought for a moment any kind of confrontation wouldn't end in his own death, Castiel would have been pulling the guts out of the devils abdomen by now.

He settled for brushing a hand through Sam's hair.

As angry as he was, his death would amount to nothing and Sam would be left to deal with the devil's onslaughts alone. He could never do that to him.

Sam whimpered again and Castiel's chest felt like it as being ripped in two.  
>By now he had desperately tried every method he had come to know to calm him, to help him in some way.<p>

All attempts had failed.

Sam had only gotten worse.

His cheeks were tearstained, his body trembling, all colour was gone from his face. Even Castiel could see he was absolutely terrified.

What use was being an Angel when he couldn't spare his friend from this?

As Sam's jaw locked and his fists clenched in agony, Castiel could not bear to watch it anymore.

So he broke his own rule.

He got of the bed, and as Sam twisted onto his back, Castiel reached down and gripped his forearms.  
>"Sam wake up." He said roughly, shaking him slightly.<p>

Sam did not wake and the tears continued to pour down his face as he pleaded for it to stop, for Lucifer to just leave him be.  
>"Sam you need to wake up!"<p>

He tried again and again, shaking him harder each time be spoke.

He knew Sam's body needed him to rest, but this wasn't rest, this was torture and Castiel couldn't let him suffer through it for a moment longer. His actions were getting violent and the angel feared he would end up hurting himself. Or worse, he would awake at the same time as Dean and force himself to pretend none of it happened. That he was fine.

He couldn't let him do that. Not this time. Whether Sam admitted it or not he needed to talk to someone about this. He couldn't keep bottling it all up.

It would end up breaking him if he did.

"Sam, WAKE UP."

He shook him so hard Sam's head slammed backwards. The jolt was enough to break him free of Lucifer's clutches and as his eyes snapped open, the hunter instantly lunged forward.

"Get away from me!" He screamed, lashing out with his arms and legs, trying to force himself as far away from the person holding him as possible. "Get away, you're not real, you're not real."

Cas kept his grip firm, silently apologising for the bruises he was sure Sam was going to end up sustaining. He had to hold him though, he didn't know what he would do to himself in this state if he did not.

"I am real, Sam you're awake, calm down."

He didn't seem to be listening.

He was in full out panic mode. Fight or flight. His body working over time, not comprehending anything but shot so full of adrenaline that it just had to keep moving.

"PLEASE, PLEASE STOP."

His breathing was erratic, he couldn't tell the difference between what Lucifer was projecting into his head and what he was actually seeing. His eyes were wild and dilated. He was trying to scratch at everything and anything, the bedding, the lamp, Castiel, his own skin.

Castiel was becoming desperate.

He let go of his arms and grabbed at his wrists instead, trying to ignore Sam's discoloured fingernails, the boys own blood soaking underneath them.

He had to calm him down.

Now.

He had to stop this before Sam hyperventilated to the point he rendered himself unconscious. Then he really would be stuck with Lucifer.

With no way of pulling him out.

Sam thrashed again, trying to claw at Castiel's coat.

"Sam listen to me." He demanded.

Sam kicked out in response, his foot catching Castiel right in the stomach. It didn't hurt him, didn't even cause him to flinch, but the sheer force behind it took the angel by surprise. He was certainly strong for a human.

Sam threw his head back against the wall, pleading.

"Stop- Please."

There it was again, that one word which seemed to make every inch of Castiel want to do whatever Sam desired. It tugged at parts of him he didn't understand, made his chest feel so much tighter. It ached with the need to help him.

"I'm not him Sam." Castiel declared, his voice quiet, begging Sam to hear him and not whatever Lucifer based hallucination he was seeing.

Sam kept fighting, thrusting against Castiel's arms with all his strength. His breathing got worse, he was gasping for air, but he would not stop pushing himself to his absolute limits.

Castiel was at a complete loss as to what to do.

He felt so useless, Lucifer knew everything Sam knew, there was no way to get through to him, nothing he could say which Lucifer probably hadn't said to Sam before. He was the type of Angel who would rejoice in the ultimate torture; Letting someone believe they were free then proving them wrong. It wouldn't surprise Castiel in the slightest to learn that he'd done just that to Sam before.

As Sam cried out again, gasping for breath but seemingly unable to catch it, Castiel closed his eyes and racked his brain for one last thing to try.

"Beer Sandwiches." He yelled out. It was the most random, most insignificant thing Castiel could think of. Something Lucifer would never deem a memory worth touching. There would be no reason for it to ever get a mention, there was nothing remotely meaningful about a soggy piece of bread.

Yet at the same time, there was. To them at least.

It seemed to work.

Sam stopped moving, stopped fighting, in an instant.

He just stared right at him.

Then, ever so slowly his eyes became more focused and they no longer looked like they were about to bulge out of his skull. Instead they locked onto the figure above him who was still pinning him to the wall.  
>"Cas?" He wheezed.<p>

The room was so dark, he could only just make out the features staring back at him. The figure nodded all the same and loosened his hold.  
>"Your awake Sam, this is real."<p>

Sam's eyes darted around every inch of the room, taking it all in. It looked no different to the area he was locked in, in his mind. Dean was there, Castiel was there, there were the same stains on the walls, the same smell of booze. The only thing that was different between the two scenes was that Dean was asleep here. He felt bile rise up the back of his throat, the panic starting all over again.

"Look at me, feel my grip, it feels different to him doesn't it." Castiel injected, looking him directly in the eyes. Sam's attention turned to the angels hands, then back to his face. He didn't understand what he meant. "This is real Sam."

Then all of a sudden he did.

Slowly he nodded and Castiel released his hands completely.

"Your warm." Sam whispered.

It was Castiel's turn to nod. Lucifer could influence many things, his core temperature was not one of them. That was the one difference that Sam could always rely on. The one he needed to store inside his head and pull at whenever things got too confusing.

Lucifer was cold. Castiel was not.

Sam shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself as he drew his knees to his chest. His breathing was still everywhere, but at least he had regained his sense of place. He saw Castiel moving, but paid little attention to it. He already knew where he was going, he didn't need to watch him fly away. He had done his job, he'd kept Sam from saying yes, now was his time to disappear.

Sam fought the voice down that was begging him to stay. To not leave him alone in the darkness.

He shivered violently.

And Castiel appeared in his vision again.

Sam looked up as the angel sat down in front of him. He narrowed his eyes in confusion as Castiel held out a soft grey blanket towards him, one he had long ago kicked to the floor. He understood the gesture almost instantly and reached out for it. Wrapping it around himself like a cocoon and tugging the edges till they met in the centre.

He had never been so grateful for warmth.

Despite this he shivered again, his shoulders trembling as he tried to steady his breathing. He knew where he was, he knew he was safe, but that didn't mean the memories weren't still at the forecourt of his mind.

Lucifer's laugh, the blade, Dean's hands, the tightness around his neck. He could feel the air being sucked out of him, his head becoming heavy, his vision darkening. There were spots, so many spots and Dean's laugh - Lucifers, Deans, Cas' all mixed into one single noise. Sam's pleading coming out in chokes. The words. Monster, Vampire, worthless, untrustable. It wasn't his brother saying this his mind tried to scream at him. Yet it was, every single word picked from a memory. They were repeated over and over. Freak, inhuman, something to be hunted. Then there was the fists, the grips, the pain. The-

"Sam." Castiel was there again, his hand on his shoulder this time, shaking him firmly, forcing the thoughts from his head.

He gasped for air, not even realising he had stopped breathing.

He gripped at his head, tugging at his hair and he tried desperately to get some oxygen into his lungs.

When had breathing become so hard?

He could feel the blood pounding through his ears, his heart beating so fast he thought it was going to crack his ribs. He wanted to crawl out of his own skin. His head was killing and everywhere just ached. He wondered if Lucifer was still with him and horror seized him.

Castiel's hand was on his back now, rubbing up and down.

"You must calm down."

Sam wished he could.  
>"I-I can't..."<p>

"Yes you can, your strong Sam, believe me, you can do this ."

Sam did not look like he believed him.

"Listen to me... Breathe in." Castiel said softly and Sam swore he had never heard a gentler tone coming from him. He shook his head though, he couldn't, he couldn't do it. Nonetheless Castiel didn't give up. He repeated the statement, nodding his head encouragingly, the pattern being drawn on Sam's back not once stopping.

"Breathe in Sam, breathe in."

Finally Sam did. Shakily, but he did.

"Now hold your breath."

He did that too, confusion and panic and a thousand other emotions passing across his face.

If it was any other time, Castiel would have marvelled at Sam's ability to be so worked up yet still manage to show such trust in another. He could see it in his eyes, the absolute conviction that whatever was going on, he could rely on his and Dean's guardian angel.

"And breathe out."

It was far from steady or continuous, but with great effort he was able to force the air out of his lungs.

Castiel gave him a reassuring smile, then repeated the process all over again.

It was a good five minutes before Sam managed to do all three without first being prompted. It took a little longer for his heart beat to start slowing back down. Castiel did not stop his hand's movement until he felt Sam's back completely relax and his chest, start rising and falling at its normal rhythm. As soon as he was sure it was no longer needed , he quickly drew his hand away.

Sam immediately sank back against the wall, absolutely exhausted. Every cell in his body felt like it had all its energy sucked out of it. His feet, hands, arms and legs just ached and he felt sick to his stomach. He was pretty sure he was going to end up vomiting and quickly looked around for somewhere to aim for which would not end up hitting the angel.

Freaking out in front of him was one thing, but he was unsure how Castiel would react to getting covered with the insides of his stomach.

"Do you need anything?"  
>"Water?"<p>

Castiel was not sure why that was said as if it was a question, but he got to his feet and headed to the bathroom all the same.

Sam gulped the whole thing down without a break, his arm shaking as he handed the glass back to Castiel. God he needed to sleep now more than ever, but just the thought of trying again filled him with dread.

"Thanks Cas."  
>"Do you require anything else Sam?"<p>

Sam shook his head as he rested it in the palm of his hands, his elbow propped against his thigh to support the weight. He could see the purple bruising already forming and the scratches that ran down his arms. They were going to be hard to explain to Dean in the morning.

"I'm sorry Sam, I did not mean to mark you."

Castiel said quietly, picking up on the grimace he did as he took in the contusions. Lucifer left mental scarring, Castiel apparently left physical. He was ashamed of himself. He should have found another way other than restraint.

"What?... No Cas, I get it. I don't care about them, I just care that I'm awake."

Castiel couldn't help but feel like that was part of the problem.

Sam sighed, drawing himself back up so he could lean back against the wall again. He needed coffee, lots and lots of coffee. He briefly saw Cas look up to the heavens before he squeezed his eyes shut.

"You need to go." He stated, trying to ignore the dread which was building up in his stomach.

"Yes, Balthazar has found something."

Sam nodded and swallowed hard. He was being ridiculous, he would be fine. The angel had already spent too much time with him as it was.

"Unless you wish for me to stay." Castiel continued, looking at Sam carefully. He was starting to understand these types of questions needed to be asked, Sam would never volunteer the information on his own.

"What?" Sam replied, genuinely shocked that Castiel would even consider just sitting with him. "No, No, its fine, people have it way worse than me, I'm f-"

"Sam if the next word out of your mouth is fine, okay, or some other variation of those words I will take away your ability to say them" Castiel interrupted, his expression deadly serious. He was starting to think he should get the boy a dictionary which explained those terms in great detail. He seemed to have one hell of a knack for misusing them.

Maybe it was a Winchester thing.

"You can do that?" Sam asked, avoiding answering the original question completely. It wasn't entirely on purpose, he was genuinely curious.

"Let's not find out. You are not fine, stop pretending you are, you don't have to hide anything with me"

Castiel watched Sam carefully as his blank expression broke ever so briefly and for perhaps the first true time the angel got a glimpse into what this was actually like for him.

"Do you want me to stay until Dean awakes?"  
>Sam looked for a moment like he was going to say no, but his resolve broke and he nodded twice.<p>

"If I'm on my own, I'm afraid I'll start thinking about it again and it will be like he's here, like it's still happening."

Castiel dipped his head in understanding, because he did, understand that is.  
>Stiffly he sat himself on the edge of Sam's bed.<p>

"Did you know that the discovery of REM sleep was delayed due to the scientists involved not wanting to waste paper?"

Sam creased his brow in confusion and drew his lips together in amusement. That was the first, but certainly not the last fact Castiel came out with that night. From coffee beans to the first known civilisation. He told it him all.

When Dean woke hours later to find them sat at the computer, researching airplane model shops he just rolled his eyes and locked himself in the bathroom.

He didn't even want to know.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Exhaling hard in frustration Dean began pacing the length of their current motel room. Angry didn't even begin to describe how he was feeling- he just had this white rage burning through him that he was finding really hard to keep under control. He had been able to distract himself before, preparing the room, putting everything where it needed to be, he'd even cleaned up a little. Now he was out of options and his fury was just bubbling under his skin, itching to come out.

He had sent Sam on a food and research run but that was hours ago and he would be back soon.

This needed to be dealt with before then.

"I swear if you do not get your feathery ass over here I'm gunna..."  
>"You do not need to shout, the volume of your voice does not alter the likelihood of me hearing you."<p>

Spinning on his heels Dean turned to face the angel, who, as usual , was stood just centimetres from him. His hand slipped into his jacket's pocket the second he laid eyes on Castiel, gripping its contents to try and ground himself, to keep his temper in check.

"Hello Dean." Castiel said, his eyes being the only part of his body following the hunters movement. He stood stoic in the middle of the room, his arms hung stiffly at his sides, his head tilted at a very slight angle.

"Where have you been, I've been calling for hours?" Dean demanded, his voice rough. He took a sidestep and walked around the angel, putting some distance between them. If this turned out to be one massive misunderstanding he would have to remember to have yet another crack at explaining the concept of personal space to him. For now though, he couldn't help the smug smile which momentarily slipped onto his face at the predictability.

"I was busy." Castiel replied, his expression blank. He followed Dean's change of direction with ease, but remained almost statue like.  
>"Busy?!" Dean mocked, his hand loosening its grip ever so slightly on the lighter in his pocket. Almost subconsciously he began flicking the lid open and closed with just his thumb. He tensed his jaw and pressed his lips together, trying to stop himself from lashing out right there and then.<p>

"Yes searching for God, trying to stop the apocalypse- it may have escaped your attention but there's a war going on." Castiel responded through narrowed eyes and he soon found himself folding his arms, waiting for Dean to volunteer the reason for his constant calls that morning. He wasn't always the best at picking up on body language, but he liked to think he had gotten better. Right now Dean was radiating antipathy and it made him highly suspicious on what all this was regarding.

He could also hear a tiny click-click click-click emitting from the hunter's coat and he found his eyes drawing to that, rather than the his face.

"I could be dying for all you know." Dean sniped raising one of his eyebrows.

" I could not help you if you were. You would have no reason to fear either, Michael would never allow his vessel to perish- He'd simply bring you back." He paused, then as an afterthought added. "Somewhat painfully, but he'd still do it."

"Well jeez Cas don't sugar coat it."

Dean moved over to the dresser to their left and rested against it, grinding his teeth. He put one hand behind him to support his weight, the other remained inside his jacket, still playing therapeutically with what was inside it.

Castiel just watched him apprehensively.

"What do you want?" He eventually spoke, his focus still on the leather material covering Dean's hand. Something was telling him he needed to be on guard here, that something wasn't sitting right, Dean's anger seemed to be directed at him and he had no idea why.

He found he did not like not knowing.

"Hey I'm the one who gets to be pissy here not you - what the hell did you do to my brother?!"

Now that got Castiel's undivided attention.

Dean's whole expression became even more tense as he spoke, he stopped leaning and took on his full height, breathing deeply as his eyes travelled down to Castiel's hands. His shoulders were rigid, trying to make him look as intimidating as possible.

Given Castiel had the ability to knock him flying with a flick of a finger, the posture change had little effect on the angel.

Dean tensed his jaw and pressed his lips together, his anger souring.

When he had come out of the bathroom that morning he had found himself staring at Sam trying to patch up one of his arms. He had tried to hide it, pulled his sleeves down over it the moment he noticed Dean. Unfortunately for the angel, he wasn't quick enough. Like lightning Dean had made his way across the room and practically tore his shirt off.

What he saw had sickened him.

The purple patterns of two very distinctive looking hands.

He clicked the lighter open again.

At that point Castiel was finally able to register what it was Dean had hold of. Unfolding his arms and clenching his fists at his side, he briefly glanced down, already knowing what he was about to find on the already stained carpet.

Holy oil.

"Nothing." he replied simply, glancing back up towards Dean, who took a step forward.

That was not the correct answer.

"Nothing?! You don't think I recognise your scrawny hand prints?"

Dean face was turning red, the vein on his neck sticking out at the thought of the angel harming his brother. He'd been taken aback the first time he'd introduced Sam and Castiel to each other. He hadn't expected the reaction that came from either of them. Sam had been in aware, then so hurt as he realised how the angels really felt about his existence. Dean had thought that after everything they had been through together, that maybe things had gotten better between them. They seemed to talk more, Castiel no longer acted like Sam was just something he had to tolerate.

He had thought they'd turned a corner.

He had thought Castiel with his rebellion against the angels had changed his perceptive of Sam too, saw the good in him as well as the bad.

He'd apparently been wrong all along.  
>He silently swore to himself that if this had been going on the whole time they had known him, he'd make every deal going to be given the ability to tear each individual feather of Castiel's back over and over again until he was screaming for mercy.<p>

He would find none.

Castiel flinched, a flash of guilt appearing across his face.

That was all the confirmation Dean needed.

He pulled the lighter out of his pocket and flipped the lid open.

"Maybe you should ask Sam." Castiel responded warily, his eyes locked on the lighter. He made no attempt to move however. As things stood he could fly off before the flame even hit the oil anyway. He had the sense not to mention that though.

"I did! He clammed up, he's scared shitless, made some phony excuse. I've been taking care of the kid for twenty five years, you don't think I know when he's lying? So I'll ask again. What. Did. You. Do?"

Dean flicked the switch and the flame danced in his hand, ready, waiting for Castiel's next words. If it had been anyone else, they would have been dead already. But this was Cas, he saved him from hell, he freed him so he could go and try and stop Sam, he had fought by their sides time and time again.

So he got the one thing Dean never gave, he got one chance and one chance only to explain his actions.

It was now or never and even Castiel could see that.

The angel closed his eyes and bowed his head slightly.

"I was trying to stop him." He admitted slowly, chewing on the words.

"From what?"

Castiel said nothing, his eyes falling back to the circle he was stood in, then over to the bed where Sam had spent the night. The sheets were still twisted. They were dry by now but his eyes could still pick up the marks Sam had left on the pillows. He could even still hear the echoes of his screams as he begged for Lucifer to stop. For him to not touch that memory.

He closed his eyes again, trying to block it out.

"From what Cas?" Dean repeated, his voice dangerously low as he took a few steps forward. What surprised Cas however was the direction he pointed the lighter in, not towards him, but towards the wall. "You have two seconds to answer me or we will find out what happens to an angel who gets barbequed."

Dean reached over and pressed the flame an inch away from a long piece of rope that seemed to be hanging from the ceiling. Castiel did not recall that being there last night and slowly followed its path upwards. His eyes soon landed on a bucket that hung above his head.

If he was human, he was pretty sure this was the point where he was supposed to get nervous.

"Holy oil I presume?"  
>"What else would be it."<p>

Castiel had to admit a part of him was impressed, though it was hardly surprising that Alastair best student had come up with a few tricks of his own. He held on to the fact Dean had not yet roasted him with some sense of relief. At least it meant he wasn't particularly enjoying this. That he hadn't given in completely to the darker path he had spent ten years in hell going down.

"I did not hurt Sam on purpose if that is what you're thinking Dean, I just... I needed to calm him."

Dean moved his hand away from the rope and folded his arms across his chest, allowing the flame to die down completely. He however did not put it away, kept it in his hands as he leant backwards and studied the Angel carefully. Suspicion was still written all over his features. He really didn't know what to believe. Sam was his little brother and seeing him hurt by someone who was meant to be on their team killed him inside. With all the things that happened to them, he didn't deserve to have to fear the people who were supposed to be his friends too.

He hoped beyond anything else that that was not the case.

"Calm him down from what? The demon blood? Is he on the crack again?"  
>"No." Castiel replied, he made no attempt to elaborate however. Whether the threat of death was hanging over his head or not, he was not going to make this easy for the older Winchester. Sam had put his trust in him and he was not going to just blurt out what he obviously wanted to stay hidden.<p>

He knew he'd ruin any future chances of him opening up to him again if he did.

"Really?" Dean asked in mild disbelief, his expression loosening.

"Yes."

The lighter went back into his pocket and Castiel took it as an opportunity to step out of the circle. If Dean was no longer threatening to kill him, then he figured he no longer had to stay there to placate him.

"Am I going to get more than one word answers from you here?"

The frustration was evident in his voice as he ran a hand down his face. Castiel almost felt regret for not telling him, but a second glance to Sam's bed quickly reaffirmed his belief he was doing the right thing. Dean was great when Sam was hurt or sick, Castiel had witnessed this on many occasions since entering the Winchesters' lives. He didn't however deal with the emotional side of things very well and right now, that's what Sam required the most.

Castiel knew he too was not the best person for that job, but he was determined to try at the very least. Sam needed somebody to try.

"Cas, please - What is going on with him."  
>"You should ask Sam."<br>"I've tried!"  
>"Not hard Enough."<p>

Castiel knew instantly that was probably the wrong thing to say as Dean's eyes shot a thousand daggers in his direction, his temper flaring up again. He should have known better by now really.

For a moment Castiel thanked his lucky stars he was no longer in the holy trap.

"Don't you dare, I've always been there for Sammy, no matter what he's been though, I've been there and its always been enough before so don't you dare tell me I'm not trying hard enough now." He snapped, springing to a standing position and marching over to the angel, a finger pointed directly in his face.

"Then stop thinking the worst of him and he might tell you himself. " Castiel replied, not moving a single inch. Given Dean's issues with personal space, he was certainly stepping into his now, he wondered briefly if that was how humans truly made their threats hold more meaning.

"Cas!"  
>"I'm not betraying his trust Dean, I cannot and will not do that to him, just know I am trying to help him through this."<p>

Castiel could tell Dean was becoming completely exasperated and he wished he could give him something, anything to help him understand. He just had to keep reminding himself however that it wasn't his place. He would not get involved in the issues between them.

If the early hours of this morning had shown the angel anything, it was that one of the key issues Sam had with wanting to keep this from Dean, was fear over how he would otherwise react. His actions over the past few months had made it quite clear he didn't trust Sam, especially where demon blood was concerned. Not that Castiel could blame him entirely for that one, but it just gave Sam more fuel to use in favour of keeping his mouth shut. If Dean felt he couldn't be relied on to stay off the blood and wouldn't listen to his judgement based on that, then how would he react to finding out Lucifer was whispering in his ear.

He hadn't said it in so many words, but Castiel got the distinct impression that Sam thought Dean would end up locking him in the panic room again. He couldn't be psychologically tortured into saying yes to Lucifer, if physically at least, the devil could not find him. Even if Sam said yes in his mind, Lucifer would need a body to puff into.

Castiel had seen the haunted look in Sam's eyes just thinking about that room and he swore in that moment he'd never let him be locked in there like that again. A look he had when he was talking about Lucifer should not be the same look he had when talking about a place his brother had put him.

It was just wrong.

"Through what? If not the demon blood then what? What is it?" Dean continued and Cas couldn't help but look at him as if he had just asked the most obvious question in the world. In retrospect that probably wasn't his smartest idea, Dean was a genius in his own right.

Dean's eyes narrowed for a second as he took in that look, before suddenly widening as realisation dawned on him.

"Lucifer? Is that it? The nightmares he's been having- they're him?" Castiel could only blink slowly in response and look away from the hunter, not saying anything but not denying anything either. He couldn't win no matter what he responded with. " They are aren't they?!"

Castiel remained quiet for a moment, debating with himself exactly how to phase what would enlighten Dean, but still not betray Sam.

"You didn't think he would just sit back and just wait for Sam to decide to say yes did you?" Castiel responded cautiously, looking back towards Dean. In an instant Dean threw his arms into the air, shaking his head in a mixture of anger and doubt.

It was his turn to twist away from Castiel and he walked towards the window. He didn't say a word for about a minute, instead he just stared out into the motel parking lot, rubbing his hand across his stubble. Trying desperately to take It all in.

"Shit ." He mumbled before taking a deep breath and looking up at the ceiling. Castiel got the distinct impression that he was calling God every name under the sun for not stepping in and stopping this a long time ago. He couldn't find it within him to call him out on that. He had a valid point. "And what he would rather talk to you about it?"

"At least he's talking to someone ...I'm trying my best to help him dean, I am."

"Well bang up job your doing there, he looks like hell!" Dean snapped, before his shoulders sank and he turned back to face Castiel with a silent apology on his tongue.

"Lucifer is an archangel, there is only so much I can do Dean." Castiel admitted, wondering how dangerously close he was getting to saying too much. Would Sam find what he was revealing acceptable given Dean had figured it out himself? Or would he hate him for confirming his suspicions? "But I can promise you, I will not stop until I find a way for Sam to block him out."

With that said he vowed to not to say another word on the subject.

Dean knew, Dean knew Sam was not alone in this, Dean knew he was going to get help. That's all he needed to know. The details were none of his buisness unless Sam said otherwise.

The older Winchester looked seriously conflicted. He tried to say something a couple of times, but just ended opening his mouth like a goldfish. His brow was creased, his lips turned up and his body was restless as he tried to decide what to do. He hated the fact Sam was going though something he was unable to prevent. He didn't even know how to help him, a broken bone you put a cast on, an upset stomach you got some ginger ale for, but how did you heal something of the mind?

One look at the angels face, showed Dean he wasn't going to get any more answers from him and he was forced to swallow the brigade of questions which rose up his throat.

"Looks like I don't have much of a choice but to take your word on that." Dean replied. He wanted to say more, so much more, he wanted to yell at him for not telling him sooner, he wanted to scream at the heavens for putting this whole thing on them. He wanted to strangle the devil with his bare hands. He wanted to resuscitate the demon that started all of this and get him to suck the blood right back out of his brother.

Their lives had been manipulated for so long, didn't they deserve some sort of break by now?

He didn't say any of this though and as much as he hated to admit it, Castiel was right about one thing- Sam had to be the one to tell him if he was to know anything. He also had to begrudgingly admit that while it frustrated him to no end, he was kind of glad that at least Sam was talking to someone. He also respected the fact Castiel wasn't spilling his guts, that he respected Sam enough to keep quiet.

He drew out a breathe.

"Cas I'm not happy about this, but... if talking to you is what's going to keep Sam from saying Yes, then okay, I'll allow it. I'll stay out of it for now."

Castiel had to force his vessel to keep quiet, his eyes turning to slits at Dean's choice of words. He had to fight of the urge to tell the older Winchester that he wasn't asking permission and Sam certainly didn't need to be either. He wasn't something to be controlled, he had to be allowed to make his own choices. That was what Castiel's rebellion had been all about- free will.

"But I'm warning you now you take that responsibility seriously, you hurt him again, in any way and I swear you will be right back under that bucket, you understand me?" Dean threatened and Castiel was left with little doubt that that was true. If there was one thing you didn't do, it was mess with one of them on the others watch.

He wondered how long it would be before other angels, demons and monsters alike learnt that lesson.

"I do."

"I mean it Cas, whatever he tells you, don't you ever use it against him!"

"You have my word."

And he had never meant anything more.

As Dean opened his mouth to say something else, Castiel's eyes travelled to the motel room's door. Dean frowned and momentarily looked annoyed at being brushed off, before his ears too picked up on some footsteps approaching and the tell tale sign of a door handle turning.

He took a step back before the door fully opened.

"Next time you want pie, get it yourself, you should have seen the queue, I think my toes have frost bite." Sam called out as he pushed the door open and hurried into the room, slamming it closed with his foot behind him. He dumped the bags he was carrying on top of Dean's bed and turned his head to look for his brother. He froze when his eyes landed on the scene in front of him. "Cas?...What's going on?" He asked instantly, his eyes securitizing every detail. The two of them were stood very close, looking like they had been in some sort of heated debate and he could clearly see the bucket dangling from the ceiling.

So that's why Dean had asked him to steal it from the cleaning trolley that morning.

He stepped forward a little and felt the carpet squelch under his foot.

"Nothing." Dean replied quickly, sending Castiel a look as he headed towards the groceries. He reached into the bags and started ruffling through them, making a point of ignoring the look of bewilderment on his brother's face.

"Then why is there a bucket...?" Sam continued, but was cut off as Dean shot up and dropped his hands to his side.

"Dude where's my pie?"

He looked absolutely outraged.

Sam appeared taken aback for a moment and he quickly put his hands into the bags to have a look himself. When he couldn't find it, he stood up straighter, put his left hand to the back of his neck and grinned sheepishly.

"Must have left it in the car."

Castiel snorted in amusement at the expression which fell onto Dean's face. The older Winchester instantly grabbed the impala's keys and headed to the door with narrowed eyes. As he pulled it open, he paused, grinned to himself, turned and looked over to the angel, sending him a wink.

"I might just eat it down there."

With that he was gone and Sam moved his head to look at Castiel suspiciously.

"What was that about?" He asked carefully, making his way a bit further into the room to investigate what exactly the object that was dangling from the ceiling contained.

"Your brother is under the impression he has just given me permission to help you." Castiel stated simply. He saw no point in lying, Sam deserved to know what had transpired especially as it involved him. The angel also had an inkling that it was important he was upfront about it now, Sam would only get the wrong impression if he found out on his own.

And he would find out.

"He's what?"

"He is aware of your nightmares Sam, he called me to... talk." The angel explained. "I have told him nothing." he added quickly seeing the hurt look which quickly flashed across Sam's face. "...but he seems to be under the misguided notion that I'm now helping you because he has allowed me too."

Sam sat down on the bed and looked at Castiel warily for a moment, before his eyes glanced towards the last place he had seen Dean. Castiel did not understand the expression but suddenly felt the desire to clarify his point further. Sam had only just started accepting Castiel was there for him as well as Dean, he did not want that to suddenly start backtracking.

"I assure you, that's not the case. I would continue to be there for you no matter what he thought."

Sam brushed the stray stands of hair behind his ears a couple of times, staring at the floor, trying to take in what this all meant. Castiel waited patiently for him to process it but took a few steps closer to him when the pause stretched on.

"I would never tell him anything you told me in confidence Sam." Castiel continued, wondering what on earth was going through his mind. He wanted to do nothing but reassure him, but without knowing what the exact issue was he didn't know how to achieve that successfully. Awkwardly he reached forward and placed a hand on Sam's shoulder, rubbing it slightly with his thumb.

Sam looked towards the angel's hand in an instant, his eyes flashing in recognition for a second. He shook it off quickly and looked up at Castiel's face instead.

"How long has he known?" He asked carefully, rubbing at the corners of his eyes with his index finger and thumb.

"A while I think, though he thought it was down to demon blood."

Sam winced.

Castiel wished there was a softer way he could have put that.

"It's not! You know that right, I'd never... not again... not ever again." Sam replied, his eyes pleading to be believed. He had to know he was as clean as he was ever going to be. He couldn't stand the thought of Castiel thinking otherwise. His friendship with the angel meant everything to him now, he didn't want to jeopardise that, didn't want him to think of him as nothing more than a demon junkie, an abomination again.

"I know Sam." Castiel replied simply and he could feel the tension which had built up under Sam's skin, relaxing.

"Good, I don't want you thinking that of me." he muttered, resisting the urge to put his hand on top of Castiel's which still rested on his shoulder. Instead he ran it down his face, drawing it out as he tried to collect his thoughts. "Do you think he's tired of dealing with me? Is that why he's not said anything?"

"That is a conversation you would have to have with him. I wouldn't know."

Sam nodded.  
>Castiel looked up and reluctantly unbound his wings.<p>

"I'm sorry Sam I have to go. Will you be alright?" He continued, if it could have waited then he would have left it, but he did not want his newest lead's trail to run cold, which it was currently doing.

Thankfully Sam didn't seem fazed and nodded again.  
>"Yeah don't worry about me."<p>

"Not possible."

Sam ducked his head and smiled.

Castiel cleared his throat.  
>Making sure he couldn't sense anything that would indicate Sam wanted him to stay and was really just hiding it, Castiel gave Sam's shoulder a firm squeezed and vanished.<p>

Sam went to stand up, but promptly fell backwards in shock as not seconds later Castiel reappeared in front of him, sending him colliding back into the bed.

"Oh and Sam, do not worry yourself, I can assure you, you do not have frostbite."

He left again just as abruptly, but not before hearing Sam laugh

**(a/n) Long chapter this time. Not much Sam/ Cas interaction but i'll make up for that next time. I hope Dean's characterization was okay. Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing and following this story 3 means alot!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

His talk with Dean stayed with Castiel for the rest of the day. He knew he was just doing his brotherly duties but the angel couldn't help but wonder if the man really did think that little of him. Did he actually believe he would use something he was told against Sam in the future? That he would be that malicious?

Maybe once, back when Sam was working with demons and Castiel knew so little about him. But not now.

Never now.

He didn't understand the change in his perception of Sam for a second time that year. All he knew was he felt a desire to help him through anything. At first he tried to write it off as concern for the earth - that he was doing all of this to try and stop him from saying yes.

But that simply was not true.

He couldn't even pretend that was the reason anymore, especially after what had transpired with Anna over a month ago.

The whole situation had shown him exactly where his priorities now stood and they weren't with just stopping the apocalypse.

Once he had thought he would do anything to preserve the earth as it was, that no cost was too great if it meant beating the devil. He had been wrong in that assumption. Just hearing the fallen Angel suggesting splitting Sam's atoms all over the universe, provoked the strongest reaction within him he had ever felt. The desire to protect, burning through him in a way he could not describe. Hot and so full of energy he had not possessed since the angels had discovered he had began to express doubt.

In that moment he knew he would do anything to defend him.

Even now, Castiel still could not even entertain the idea of destroying him.

Just the thought of going through with it made his grace churn.

Sam Winchester was his friend and he couldn't be a part of a world where he wasn't.

Castiel's hated to admit it but his entire centre had shifted, everything he was doing all came back to Sam.

He just wanted him to be happy.

Safe.

Healthy.

All of the above.

Of all the feelings he had began to develop since his fall the ones towards Sam were the most complicated, the ones he couldn't place or even begin to comprehend.

Sam had once told him he could ask him anything and he would do his best to explain.

Castiel had still not gone to him with this.

He wanted to more than anything, felt that perhaps he of all people would be in the best position to assist him on the matter, but he could never bring himself to bring it up.

He couldn't explain why, but something was telling him it was important that he came to understand it all on his own.

It was gone midnight before Castiel had deemed his most recent lead another dead end. At this rate he was starting to believe that he would never find his father.

Descending into the same motel room he had twice previously. Castiel quickly looked around for Sam. He had not bothered to sense whether the brothers were still there or not. Dean had not seemed like he was in any hurry to leave the town during their earlier encounter and with the amount of food Sam had brought back, he hadn't either.

One sniff of the air showed Castiel he had been right in his assumption, the Winchester's were definitely still about somewhere. Glancing around, he expected to see at least Dean tucked under the covers, but his bed remained as made up and untouched as Sam's.

There was a second aroma that took him slightly longer to register, a strong smell of fermented grain mash.

It made his nose twitch.

Castiel presumed this meant Dean had been hitting the bars pretty hard that night - that perhaps his inevitable talk with Sam had not gone well and had lead the older Winchester to seek solace in a corpus amount of alcohol.

Personally Castiel did not see the appeal of the substance himself. Aside from making human's smell like the inside of a horse's digestive system, his experiences with Dean showed him it only made situations worse in the long run.

Shifting his attention to his right, he noticed the bathroom door was admitting a soft light in the narrow space surrounding it and its frame. Figuring that was where they were resided, Castiel folded his arms across his chest and simply stood there, waiting for them to emerge, his eyes squinted. He did not understand why they would both be 'using the facilities' on the same occasion, he had come to believe that was an area designated for one person at a time.

Then again perhaps alcohol changed the social rules.

There was still so many human customs he had yet to learn, that could just have been another one of them.

When the arrow on the the clock did two complete turns without a sound admitting from the room, Castiel took a step forwards. He did not like to be kept waiting indefinitely and was starting to think they would hurry up if he announced his presence.

Briefly he pondered whether he should just go in there- Whatever they were doing, it couldn't have been what the bathroom was designed for. He was pretty sure that required some sound effects.

Hearing the door click open prevented the angel from having to make a decision. He was however somewhat surprised to see just Sam stumbling out.

His head tilted in confusion as he quickly found himself having to reach forward to grab the collar of Sam's shirt. If he had not caught him, he was almost certain he would have landed face first on the floor.

Sam attempted to spin around to check who had come to his rescue, but only managed to turn his head before he lost his balance again.

This time, Castiel led him over to the edge of the bed, not letting go of his shirt until he was safely deposited in a sitting position.

Sam gave him a goofy grin.

"Are you drunk Sam?" Castiel asked. While he had seen the younger Winchester drinking with Dean on a number of occasions, he couldn't recall one where he had got himself into a similar state as his brother. One glance to the boy's liver showed that was indeed the case though.

"Maybeee." Sam replied, before he hiccupped. He let out a laugh nervously at that and covered his mouth. Castiel just watched him in confusion.

"Where's Dean?" Castiel pressed on, wondering if he should go into the bathroom and check he wasn't incapacitated on the floor somewhere. He believed many people choked on their own stomach lining that way.

As sam swayed slightly and squeezed his eyes closed contemplating an answer, Castiel couldn't help but wonder what exactly had been said between the brothers during their confrontation for Sam to be the one to end up in this state. He then winced at the thought of what Dean would therefore be like.

"He pulled a cop." Sam eventually stated, causing the angel to frown and narrow his eyes. That had not been an answer he was expecting.

"Pulled a cop where?"

Sam snorted.

"Onto his dick."

That did nothing to lesson Castiel's confusion.

"That sounds.. uncomfortable." He replied, choosing his wording carefully. He remembered accidently hitting Dean in that area once when he had insisted on him 'tossing him the remote'. He had doubled over in pain. Castiel could not see how doing that of his own free will was meant to be pleasurable.

"It sounds like sex Cas." Sam stated bluntly, brushing the hair out of his face with one hand as he watched the angel's vigilantly for a reaction. When Cas' face remained blank he sighed and rubbed at his eyes, throwing his head back slightly. This action caused him to sway backwards and Castiel found himself having to reach out to steady him again.

"Right." Castiel retorted, only removing his hand from Sam's shoulder once he was certain the man had somewhat regained his balance. Sam just grinned, finding the whole situation hilarious and Castiel had no choice but to softly smile back. The room, by human standards was quite dark, furniture only being visible as shadows but Sam just seemed to have this light about him which was brightening the whole place up. It was like his soul was humming.

"Have you ever had sex Cas?" He suddenly asked, curiosity breaking out across his features. Cas' eyes instantly squinted in his direction as he wondered where on earth that question had stemmed from. Sure it wasn't really a topic they had ever encountered before, but Sam was never one to ask things like that off him, questions about himself rather than angels as a whole. It made him wonder whether Sam had similar thoughts when he wasn't under the effects of alcohol and if so, why he didn't just ask outright instead of keeping them to himself.

He certainly was a strange one.

Sam's brow creasing as the silence stretched on made Castiel realise he had probably spent too long appearing to contemplate the answer.

"No." He replied simply.

Sam couldn't say he was surprised.

"Do you not want to wrap your tentacles around someone?" He inquired, his expression one of innocence. Castiel found a weird noise admitting from the back of his throat as air forced its way up Jimmy's windpipe and his shoulder shook involuntarily.

"You think I have tentacles?" He responded, his face cracking into an amused smile.

That was certainly a new one. While Dean had called him some weird things in the past, presuming his true form was an octopus hybrid had never even been close to being one of them.

"No ... but I bet Lucifer does. It's how he can flap his way into people's heads." Sam declared, throwing his body back purposely this time so he was half laying on and half laying off the bed, his hair flopping about everywhere.

Castiel fought the urge to point out that his sentence made little sense. Octopus certainly didn't flap anywhere. No matter how many arms they had they could not produce the same effects as wings.

"I can assure you he does not."

Sam's shoulders shook for a moment before he shrugged and threw an arm over his face. He closed his eyes briefly underneath it before snapping them back open again and shaking his head, slamming his arm to his side as if to not tempt himself.

Castiel watched him with concern.

" Perhaps you should get some sleep Sam." He injected, his forehead creased. The buzz was still very much there, but he could see the dark circles under Sam's eyes a mile off, he wondered how he was managing to fight against the pull so vigorously.

Sam shook his head again.

"No."

He had another few bottles to down before he blanked out and awoke in the morning with no memory of the nightmares Lucifer bestowed upon him. He had made a pact with himself that he would not sleep until the last of the liqueur was gone. He couldn't spend another night going through what he had been. He needed a way to stop the memories once and for all.

He had made a list.

This was his best option.

"You don't have much of a choice." Castiel continued lightly, attempting to get him to sit up so he could move up the bed and rest more adequately.

"You're bossy."

"I'm an angel of The Lord, I'm allowed to be."

He pouted and Castiel was left trying to figure out what in the world that look meant and why it made him want to hold him and never let him go. In fact he was pretty sure if Sam asked him to do anything with that look on his face he'd do it in a heartbeat.

He briefly wondered if Sam was aware of the power it processed, and if he was, how often he used it against Dean.

He could imagine a smaller Sam wrapping people around his little finger with it.

"Don't wanna sleep" He confessed, the special frown still firmly in place as he looked up at Castiel with these big eyes. It was almost like he was begging him not to make him do it, like the decision was in Castiel's hands not his own.

"I know, but you require it." The angel replied sadly, knowing all too well just why he was so reluctant.

He yearned to be able to just switch places with him.

He'd go though Lucifer's torment a thousand times over if it spared Sam from it.

"Are you my friend Cas?" Sam asked suddenly causing Castiel to frown.

"I thought you said we were family?" He responded confused, a sharp pain shooting across him as he contemplated whether this meant Sam no longer wished him to be considered that. He instantly wanted to know what had he done wrong and how he could make it right. He knew at that very second he would go to the ends of the universe and back if that's what it took.

"Family doesn't always like each other though." Sam explained, obvious to the inner turmoil his question had sent the angel into. " Do you like me?"

"I never used to." Castiel admitted slightly relieved and because really it was no secret. He'd made it crystal clear how he felt about the younger Winchester from the moment they met, but that was a long time ago. He never understood back then why this being of darkness, a human with demonic blood pounding through his veins tried to act like he was anything but a monster.

He had heard exactly who he was, what he was destined to become only to come face to face with this boy who kept pretending to be good. To be someone worthy of a place in heaven despite what he was made off.

It took Castiel longer than he cared to admit to realise that Sam wasn't playing some sort of game with them. He wasn't trying to trick the angels into accommodating him as they had his brother. He wasn't trying to pretend to be something he was not. He was simply being himself.

He'd accepted the angels saw him as dirt- It bothered him to no end, but he'd accepted it. What he was doing, wasn't to impress them or deceive them, it was genuinely who he was. He knew his faults, knew what everyone expected him to be, but unlike anyone else the angel had met, he refused to be ruled by any of that. He threw out the manuscript, everything that was prophesied to take place, torn up into thousands of little pieces.

All because he did not want to be a monster.

Yes he made mistakes, but he lived by them, didn't try to hide that he screwed up, just tried to make amends in some way.

It had confused Castiel to no end.

The first time they had met, he fought to protect a town full of people whose stories he did not know, he stood up to the beings he'd always believed in and fought tooth and nail for the innocent lives they planned to blow up. That was also the first time Castiel had been taken by surprise by him. He was meant to be twisted, he was meant to care little about anyone, he was to be Lucifer's vessel if he ever got free and his whole life had been shaped by demons in anticipation of this. Yet he fought for humanity.

Time and time again he fought and won.

He proved Castiel's perceptions of the man he was were wrong.

Over and over.

Until Castiel was forced to rethink everything he had come to know.

Dean was the first human that enabled him to express doubt.  
>Sam was the second.<p>

When he looked at Sam back then, he saw a deeply flawed creature that was not quite human. He was a killer, a burden to the righteous man, humanities destructor. He drank demon blood and made his vessel's skin crawl. He was a liar, he was manipulative, he was nothing more than a demons pet- a vermin of the earth.

Yet as he got pulled deeper into the Winchester's world, he saw so much more. He saw his kindness, he saw his strength, he saw him fight for what was right, he saw his brilliance, the light within his soul. He saw the person he was never destined to be but who he simply was.

The scripts said he was destined for evil, Sam said he had a choice in that.

Sam was what enabled Castiel to truly understand what free will was, and why it was so great.

He was why he was fighting so hard for humanity to be able to keep it.

Now when he looked at him, he still saw the flaws but they weren't the curse he once thought they were, they made him the person Castiel wanted to be around, the person he wanted to help. He had no obligation to this boy, yet he wanted nothing more than to know him, to ensure his light never went out.

"I Know, you made that very clear, I'm an abon'nation." Sam stuttered, his speech slurring. Castiel felt his insides tear apart and he looked down, expecting to see some sort of injury and being deeply puzzled when he was greeted with nothing. It felt like there was something in his gut, twisting away, ripping it apart. There was also something sitting on his chest, making it feel heavy. He had never wanted to turn back time more than in that moment.

Briefly he wondered if this was what true shame felt like, or if Jimmy was just having a heart attack.

"I should never have called you that." He said softly joining Sam on the edge of the bed. Sam sat up to look at him, fighting of a dizzy spell as he tried to focus on the angel's face. Or more the side of his face since Castiel was looking directly at the floor rather than at him.

"S'ok I am one, I-I have demon blood in me, I was manufactured for the devil generations before I even existed. I don't think my body has ever really been mine."

Something about the way he said that made Castiel think that wasn't just the alcohol talking. He glanced to Sam who simply shrugged nonchalantly, like what he said was nothing. Cas couldn't help but wonder if he was truly as drunk as his mannerisms would suggest.

"It has always been yours Sam and as long as you never say yes, it will never be anyone else's. That is why an Angel must ask for consent. We cannot use a human's body as our own, whether they are built for us or not, without the owner's permission. Every soul that is born, has a body that was meant for only them. No matter what is done to it, what its put through, it is theirs unless they say otherwise. It's God's absolute rule."

"But why did he give us that choice?" Sam whispered. He really didn't understand it. If the apocalypse was to always take place, if God had designed it that way, then why did he make it so the angels couldn't just take physical form in whoever they wanted whenever they wanted. Did he truly want to leave the decision up to them, or did he just presume no human would ever take a stand against the angels.

Castiel said nothing for a moment, contemplating how to put into words what he thought about that matter. God himself had never explained the concept to them, it was just written into their programming with no way to override it. Sam didn't seem to mind the pause, he just sat there, right beside him, waiting.

Eventually Castiel turned his head to look at him.

"Honestly, I don't know, God loved humans from the moment of your creation. Lucifer saw you as nothing but these flawed creatures, but our father said those flaws were what made you perfect. The power to make your own choices, whether they were right or wrong, is all he wanted and I guess having your consent is a part of that. For angels, the concept of faulty characteristics being acceptable was not something we- they, ever understood, but God didn't ask for understanding, he just wanted angels to show humanity unconditional love."

"And they didn't." Sam verified, Castiel shook his head.

"No, they obeyed, mostly, Lucifer was made an example of when he refused and no one wanted to end up like him. No one really loved humanity like God wanted though, maybe that is why he left. It's only now I can see what he meant by all of it." Castiel exhaled and let himself deflate slightly. He really had become so different from his brothers and sisters. He did not regret any of his choices, but that's what they were, choices, things he should never have been able to access. "Free will is important, it's the most important trait God created in the humans. Free will is what won wars, what started takedowns, what made you all have the ability to survive for thousands of years. If it is a humans choice to say no to an angel, then that's it, they can't take you as a vessel, even in death. Maybe God knew, that one day humanity would have to be protected from us and that was his way of doing it."

"We don't need protecting from you though, you're different to them." Sam declared softly. His eyes drooped closed and he let out a long breathe, letting his head roll slightly. He said it with such certainty it made Castiel's insides feel warm, knowing he had earned that absolute trust.

"I am, we have that in common Sam, I suppose I'm the angels abomination."

"No." Sam said instantly, pausing for a second to take in Castiel's frown. "I don't think you are, I think god made you perfect and all the others were just prototypes. He had to test free will out on someone right?" He continued, knocking into Castiel lightly with his body. The angel knew enough about the hunter by now, to know he was supposed to take it as a gesture.

"I'm far from perfect Sam." he responded, not quite understanding why he could possible think he was.

"You are to me." Sam said quietly, as if it was the truest thing in the world.

Castiel felt his breath hitch in his throat at the pure honesty in that statement. He didn't know how to respond to that, it was almost silent, but said with so much conviction it left no room for argument. Castiel faced forward again, as he tried to steady his ever quickening pulse. When he was sure he had got himself back under control, he turned to talk to Sam once more, but as he did, he felt a weight drop onto his shoulder.

One glance to his right allowed him to see Sam's head leaning against it, having lost the battle to stay awake.

For a moment he froze completely, his insides doing somersaults. He didn't know how this was any different from all the other times Sam slept, but he knew it was. Just the fact Sam had leaned into him, meant the absolute world to him. Not so long ago, he had done something similar at Bobby's, but this felt as if it was something that was under Sam's control, rather than caused by him passing out from exhaustion.

He allowed them to stay like that, unmoving for a few moments as he truly took in the sight, the feelings and everything else. Then he slipped a hand around his waist and went to move him properly onto the bed. As much as it felt right, Sam couldn't sleep like this.

Lowering him onto the mattress, Castiel went to move away, when a hand gripped hold of his coat gently. Castiel expected to see Sam had awoken but was surprised to see he was very much still out of it. He paused in his actions, not knowing what to do, until Sam pulled on him again.

Carefully he sat down on the bed as he always did and wrapped his arm around Sam's shoulders. Apparently satisfied, the sleeping man moved further into his embrace, resting his head against Castiel's upper abdomen as he sighed contently.

Castiel made no attempt to move anywhere else again that night.

Not a single cell in his body wanted him to either.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Sam's sleep was fairly restful that night. Whether it was because of the whiskey, because of how safe he felt or because Lucifer was simply too busy, Cas did not know, he was just so grateful that he only had short bursts of distress for a change.

The angel had counted each passing hour with a growing sense of relief, praying each time Sam began to stir that he would not fight to awaken himself further. For four hours straight he didn't, he made it through without tearing any holes in the fabric which lay beneath his fingertips.

Unfortunately the second the light outside began brightening the room, Sam's body urgently started trying to wake him.

Castiel tried his hardest with soft touches and gentle reassurances to keep him under, but quickly realised his efforts were futile. Sam's mind was already clawing its way back into reality.

The angel presumed it was habit.

The Winchesters' didn't sleep much even when they weren't having night terrors.

He decided in that moment he was going to have talk to them both about that when the apocalypse was over.

It wasn't good for them and as their guardian, he had a duty to make sure they were healthy.

Sam's eyes flickering caused Castiel to loosen his grip around him, preparing to take flight.

The younger Winchester had remained draped in his arms the entire time he was out. His head pressed against the angel's side, crushing his nose slightly. Castiel had tried to move once, worried that the position of Sam's neck would be uncomfortable for him. Sam had refused to allow him to though, more than happy with how things were. Castiel gave up his attempts pretty quickly after that.

He knew better by now than to try and change the man's mind when he had already settled it on something.

Instead he had spent his time acting as Sam's pillow just watching his features, smiling every time the hunter sighed in contentment, or came back from a nightmare and desperately searched for a piece of Castiel's clothing to hold on to. A part of Castiel knew he shouldn't be enjoying this as much as he was, but he couldn't help it.

He just wanted to savor every moment of having Sam in his arms in case it never happened like that again.

He was beginning to understand addiction.

And he was definitely addicted to Sam.

Every single little thing about him, from the way his hair fell into his face, to the soft snores he occasionally gave out.

Castiel just wanted to experience more and more of him. To learn every possible fact about him which didn't come naturally from just being in his presence. Angels learnt the entire lifespan of a human being by just looking at them but with Sam, there was so many different things that his grace left out.

Important things.

His personality and mannerisms were just intoxicating.

It made Castiel never want to leave his side.

He didn't have a choice however and begrudgingly began to move. He found himself hating the uncertainty that alcohol produced.

If he could be sure of what Sam would remember, he would have remained tangled between his limbs. He had no way of knowing though and he most certainly did not want Sam to wake up and end up feeling uncomfortable, to be clueless on how they had gotten to that point.

He wouldn't put him through that, so with great struggle he unbound his wings and took off, leaving a soft cushion in his place.

It was barely a minute later that Sam's eyes darted open.

* * *

><p>Castiel was forced to stay away from Sam until nightfall again the next day.<p>

He had gotten word of a religious man shouting about God in Times Square and he had to investigate.

Yet another rumour that went nowhere.

He had watched a man preaching about not letting the devil in for the most part of the day, his hand gripping hold of Dean's amulet, waiting for it to burn hot. It never did and eventually Castiel recognised the hospital tags. He had growled in annoyance, realising in an instant that the man was not speaking on behalf of God at all, but from the mental affliction a demon possession had left him with. He wasn't a messenger, he had just been broken to the point of insanity.

If Castiel was at his full power, he liked to think he would have done something about that. He wasn't however, so he simply left, leaving the man to meet whatever fate that awaited him next.

He had more important things to do than care for one single human...

The guy's speech on consent and body autonomy however had somewhat gotten to him.

By the time he got back to the Winchesters, Dean was already asleep and Sam was sat up in his bed with his laptop open. He was typing away on the keypad, his fingers pressing the buttons far harder than they perhaps needed too, bits of research scattered all around him.

Castiel debated with himself for some time on whether to talk to Sam, or whether to simply stay under his raider until he fell asleep.

He was not proud to admit he took the cowards way out.

He needed to know what the young man remembered of the previous night, needed to talk to him about so many different things but he just couldn't bring himself to form into words what his mind desperately wanted to say.

If he was completely honest, apart of him was afraid of the answers he would receive.

He didn't understand why it was so important to him.

But it was, it so was.

He felt like it could change everything.

Sam stayed up well into the early hours of the morning before he finally gave in and shut the machine down - placing it on the floor along with bits of paper and pens. He looked dejected, just sitting in the darkness staring at the wall in front of him. The wall Castiel stood in front of. If he angel didn't know better, he would have thought he was looking right at him.

Sam eventually opened his mouth, as if to say something, then shook his head and reluctantly laid down.

His actions caused Castiel to frown, he wanted nothing more than to know what was he going to say? And to whom?

He hated being in the dark about it. If something was bothering Sam, he wanted know so he could help.

The man's words hit him again and he unsquinted his eyes in defeat.

He had to accept these things, no matter how much they bugged him.

He had to respect that if Sam wanted him to know, he would come to him about it himself. He couldn't learn through eavesdropping.

He sighed and took a few steps closer to the bed.

Unlike the previous night, it took Sam forever to fall asleep. Three hours to be exact, meaning he would barely get any sleep if he arose with the sunrise again.

Castiel could not understand what was causing him to be so restless. It didn't just seem to be about the nightmares this time. He looked so deeply troubled and upset with himself.

'Stupid.' He had even mumbled once, banging his head against the pillows and throwing an arm over his eyes.

Castiel just wanted to sooth him, to tell him that whatever it was, it was okay - but he knew he couldn't. Knew that Sam would only be embarrassed if he discovered that angel had seen him acting like this.

So he waited.

He took a seat beside him as soon as he was sure it was safe to. Facing him directly rather than sat alongside like he usually did. He felt like he was taking a step back, but the events he had witnessed that day had shown him he couldn't keep acting the way he was. As much as he wanted to help Sam, he couldn't allow himself to be that close to him again without his consent.

The demon's meat suit's words haunting him as he realised he was no better than the creatures they tried to destroy.

Sam had had so much done to him without permission in the past that even if Castiel meant him no harm he couldn't be just another person added to that list.

He would continue to help Sam, but he needed to not cross that line.

Sam needed him to not cross that line.

* * *

><p>That night brought Sam little peace, Lucifer was not as aggressive as previous encounters but he did not let Sam rest for long.<p>

The fact he was popping in and out concerned Castiel deeply and as soon as dawn broke the angel knew he would have to go and investigate exactly what his wayward brother was up too.

Lucifer being busy for two nights running could only spell trouble for them all.

Sam's face contorted, interrupting Castiel thoughts and forcing him to rub his back gently. Uncertain if even this was okay. He knew he was being of little assistance to Sam and he wanted desperately to get closer to him, to let him know he was there.

He refrained though, reminding himself it was for the best.

That Sam, if he was aware of what he was doing, wouldn't want it any other way.

* * *

><p>As soon as the sun started to raise Castiel was gone, searching the town's cities, states and everything in-between for clues on what exactly Lucifer was up to.<p>

He discovered a town full of nothing but demons towards the end of the day, but could get no further to fully investigate what was going on.

Lucifer could not be alerted to his presence and he did not have enough strength to smite the entire population which resided there.

From the outskirts he could see gallons of demon blood being transported and frowned. Lucifer's current vessel must have been seriously struggling to contain him for him to require that amount. He found himself becoming apprehensive about what that could mean for Sam and how desperate the devil was set to become.

He stayed on top of the closest mountain, staring down at the town until darkness fell and he had to admit defeat.

He couldn't leave Sam to face a night alone, no matter how much he wished to stay and watch God's favorite.

* * *

><p>"It's a what?" He heard Dean say as he landed in the Winchester's motel room, once again hidden from their view.<p>

The righteous man was sat sharpening his knives as Sam surrounded himself in books and case notes.

"It's what Bobby said." The younger Winchester responded with a shrug. Closing one of the books with a thud and placing it into his duffle bag. Castiel couldn't tell if they were getting ready to leave, or to hunt. He hoped it wasn't the latter given Sam's appearance.

"And he's sure?" Dean continued sceptically, making the angel tilt his head in confusion, a part of him wished he had spent more time paying attention to what exactly they were doing in this town for so long, so he could at least be clued in on their conversation. He was still their guardian angel and it was his job to ensure they did not get themselves killed.

"Do you want to call him back and tell him you think he's made a mistake?" Sam responded in a tone Castiel did not recognise. His eyebrows were raised as he held out the phone challengingly.

He wondered briefly why Sam had emphasised the word 'you' and why it caused Dean to shift his attitude in an instant. The older hunter quickly turned down the opportunity and reacted in horror at the very suggestion, his hands held up in surrender.

Castiel decided Sam was being sarcastic in some way but could not fandom how, or why asking for clarification from Bobby was meet with the reaction it was.

Sam just smirked, rubbing at his eyes as his lips morphed into a yawn.

He tried to hide it but Dean noticed anyway.

"Let's just get some sleep and head out tomorrow, see if we can catch the sons of bitches in the act." He decided, abandoning his tools on the floor.

Castiel made a mental note to move them some place safer once they fell asleep.

Dean was cranky enough in the morning's - slicing his foot open would only end up giving everyone a headache.

Sam nodded begrudgingly and headed off to the bathroom.

When the door clicked closed Dean sighed and ran a hand down his face.

"Cas man, I'm trusting you with this one, knock him out if you need to, just let him rest." He prayed, glancing up at the ceiling. The angel shifted awkwardly, feeling slightly guilty for not appearing to him then and there. He however made no attempts to rectify Dean's perception of him, he couldn't risk Sam seeing him. Not until he had worked out what he was going to say.

It wasn't long until Sam reappeared and the lights went out. They crawled into their beds almost symmetrically.

Sam was out of it the second his head hit the pillows, barely having enough time to pull the blankets up over his legs.

Castiel made his way over to the mattress edge once he was sure Dean would not notice the dip in the sheets.

He spent the rest of his time there, rubbing Sam's shoulder soothingly throughout.

Lucifer was harsher that night than the two previous but still not completely consistent in his actions.

Sam was jolting himself awake barely three hours later, gasping as he sat up and drew his legs into himself.

Castiel only wished he could allow himself to do more.

* * *

><p>The angel spent the next day searching the River Nile, hoping for one of God's old communications with the human race to have left some traceable mark, something he could look for in other locations too.<p>

He found none.

He could feel his grace dwindling from the flight and had to conduct his search on foot.

It was tiresome and he found himself loathing his lack of strength.

After a while, he sulkily sank backwards into a tree and pursed his lips, glaring at the water which ran in front of him. Like he was putting all blame for God not being around on its very banks.

He had to wait for longer than he would have liked to return to the Winchesters.

Not having enough energy to fly that far back to them.

It put him in a worse mood.

He wanted to yell up to the heavens for the next millennium.

One look around the room when he eventually landed there, showed him they had successfully killed whatever they were hunting.

The knives and guns were all put away, but the residue was evident all over their clothes. There was ruby's knife with specks of blood still covering it abandoned on the nightstand and fresh bruises on both of their bodies.

Castiel hoped the blade's position was not Dean trying to test his brother's resolve again or he would not be responsible for his actions.

One glance towards Sam made whatever anger he did feel slip away, only for it to be replaced with distress.

He looked like hell.

He was sat shirtless, clutching a tender spot on the back of his head as Dean stitched up a wound on his shoulder blade. His arm was discoloured and seemed to be being held at an awkward angle. By the look of the blooded patch on Dean's neck he had not fared much better either.

Castiel wanted nothing more than to strangle the creature that did that to them.

He could hear them talking but couldn't register what they were saying as he simply stared at the state they were in. That Sam was in.

They didn't seemed to be that concerned, clearly having encountered worse injuries before, but that didn't seem to matter to Castiel's gut that dropped through the floor at the sight of them.

Hunting was dangerous, he knew that, they knew that but it didn't make him despise the creatures of purgatory any less.

It was a good thing they had already taken care of it, for Castiel knew if they hadn't he would have killed what ever was responsible with his bare hands, grace or no grace.

"Keep still!" Dean barked harshly as Sam winced, the needle piercing a particular tender spot on his skin. It took Castiel by surprise. Even though you could still hear a small amount of concern in his tone, it was masked by something else.

The air between them seemed tense and he knew in an instant something must have happened during the hunt.

They were annoyed with each other.

Annoyed with themselves.

He wondered if depositing them on a desert island somewhere would help them settle their issues, or if he'd return to them in an even worse state.

Sam deflated as Dean roughly tied the thread off.

The look Sam got on his face whenever he thought about the nightmares suddenly appeared and Castiel felt his worry deepen.

As Dean stood up and went to the bathroom to clean of, the angel debated whether to just make himself visible. Sam was clearly distressed and he needed someone, even if that someone brought an elephant along with him. Just as he was about approach him, he heard Sam muttering under his breath and frowned. He watched unsettled as Sam's hands started squeezing and rubbing the marks both himself and Castiel had left on his arms. It was almost like he was trying to ground himself.

It was obvious to the angel in that moment that he was struggling to identify what was real again. Sam tightened his arms around himself, like he was trying to conserve heat and that cemented the thoughts in Castiel's mind.

In that moment he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything was going to be okay. He almost did. He was seconds away from raising his arms, when the man started speaking.

"It won't happen again." Sam said softly and Castiel found himself glancing around to see Dean entering the room again. He quickly took a step sideways so he wouldn't walk right through him. He wasn't quite sure what the older Winchester would feel if he did, but he knew he didn't want to find out.

"I need to know you have my back out there." Dean replied, his voice full of exhaustion rather than any sort of malice.

Sam still flinched.

"I do, I do I just..." He trailed off, seemingly unable to explain what ever had taken place.

Castiel found his eyes narrowing between them.

Sam was functioning on little sleep even for a hunter, it didn't surprise the angel that something might have gotten past him, or the better of him if their conditions were anything to go by.

Dean didn't fully understand that because the extent of the problem was being kept from him and he wouldn't ask for details.

And Sam certainly wouldn't volunteer the information.

He wondered what would happen to their relationship if one of them didn't bite the bullet soon.

Maybe his desert island idea wasn't such a bad one after all.

Dean got into bed and turned over, facing away from his brother. S

am stayed sitting on the edge of his mattress, still toying with the skin on his arms. Castiel found himself reaching out, his hands inches away from Sam's own as if to gather them up.

The room fell into silence.

He was just about to grasp hold of them when Sam stopped what he was doing and looked up at the ceiling.

"I can't take much more of this." He barely whispered, as if saying the words were the hardest thing he had ever done. "Please."

Castiel only wished he knew what he was asking for.

* * *

><p>As he suspected, Sam's nightmare's were bad, not quite like the one that forced Castiel to awaken him from, but he was restless throughout.<p>

Lucifer had obviously found some time to mentally torture him again and was having fine fun with the day's events.

Castiel tried soothing him with the soft circles along his neck, then down his back, then along his shoulder, down his arm, through his hair. Anything. But nothing worked.

He just kept tossing and turning and wincing.

His arm reached out of the bed, like he was trying to grab for Dean, but Dean was too far over to be reached that way.

This went on for about an hour, with his anguish gradually getting worse.

Then everything changed.

"Cas" Sam whimpered and it was if time stood still.

With absolute horror the angel shot back.

Realisation dawning on him faster than anything had before.

Lucifer was using him.

Was hurting Sam in some way with the face he had come to know as Castiel's own.

It made him want to throw up his insides.

His grace ran cold through him.

How could he?

How could he do something like that to him?

He always knew there was the possibility of it happening, but it was another thing entirely to have it confirmed.

Castiel's hand shook against Sam's back. He felt a sensation he'd never experienced behind his eyes, he was fuming behind what words could describe but he felt so much more than just that.

His other hand reached to cover his own mouth, gripping the sides of his face.

Horrified didn't even begin to describe it.

"Sam." He said softly, his face twisted in distress.

He never wanted to be the one to hurt Sam. Even in his dreams. He didn't want Sam's opinion of him to be changed, masked by fear, by the memory of him being his tormenter.

Sam's head turned in his direction, his forehead creased in agony.

It physically pained Castiel to even imagine Sam flinching away from him, of being scared of him - scared his touch would bring on the same effects as whatever Lucifer was putting him through now.

Without thinking about what he was doing, Castiel laid down next to him, wrapping his arms around him.

"I'd never hurt you Sam." He felt himself begging to be believed.

He pressed his forehead to Sam's and willed him to understand that.

Sam tossed in his sleep again.

Turning from laying on his back, onto his side so he was facing Castiel, everything tense and crippling.

"That's not me, I'm right here, I swear I would never harm you in anyway."

Sam's face twisted, his breathing becoming heavy, it looked like there was some sort of internal battle going on within him.

Then slowly he shifted into Castiel and the angel clung tighter, his own breath on Sam's skin.

Sam's hands found his coat and he gripped hold of it, burying into it, moving his face side to side slightly as he did. He seemed to be inhaling the fabric.

"I'm here Sam."

Sam shifted once more, clutching the angel as tight as he possibly could.

Castiel immediately took up his circling again, small, soft, barely there traces down his neck.

For a moment Castiel feared it would make no difference.

Then, ever so slowly, Sam stopped moving altogether, his face visibly relaxing, his grip loosening slightly so it wasn't as desperate but also firmly giving out the message that it was not going to let go.

Castiel could barely breathe as he watched all the boy's feature's soften, it was almost like Sam could suddenly tell he was there, that he was safe.

Suddenly he despised himself for not talking to him when he had the chance. He wondered how aware Sam was of his presence at night, even on a subconscious level.

He never wanted to disappoint him.

As Sam sighed, Castiel made a promise not to hide from him again. He didn't understand his emotions towards him, but he knew now without a flicker of doubt he needed to stop trying to back away from him.

He had to talk to him, he had to explain everything.

He only hoped Sam could make sense of it.

Would allow him to continue to help him in this way.

* * *

><p>Dean was the first of the brothers to start to wake up and Castiel found himself unenthusiastic having to untangle his body from Sam's. It wasn't just Cas that was reluctant for him to leave however as Sam immediately began to protest too. It was only when the angel started whispering promises to be back so they could talk, did Sam give up his hold.<p>

Once again Castiel began to wonder what he was aware of in this state.

Did he know what he was reaching out for in his sleep? Or was it just something he found comforting that his mind desperately wanted to cling on to.

Castiel stood beside him and ran a hand gently down the side of his face.

He didn't have time to contemplate the matter further, as Dean began to fully stir.

With a quick glance in his direction, Castiel unfolded his wings and was gone in an instant, hoping the older Winchester was not conscious enough yet to hear the rustle of his descent.

He had left it far too late to leave them.

As Dean sat up and looked around confused, Sam too flickered his eyes open, the flapping of wings having drawn his attention.

"Man what have I told him about watching us sleep." Dean groaned, stretching as he glanced around the room to see if anything was amiss. "Its creepy."

Sam said nothing in response to that, his hand reaching out to touch the still warm spot beside him, a strange look of contemplation on his face.

"Sammy?"

Sam shook his head quickly and ran his hands through his hair. Flashing a smile in Dean's direction to convince him he was fine. He had this really odd feeling though, one he couldn't quite place.

Seemingly satisfied Dean got up and headed to the bathroom.

Sam stayed where he was, his hand coming up to his shoulder to touch the part that unknowingly to him had been covered by Castiel's arm all night. His other hand still touched the sheets. Then he put his hand to his cheek, wondering why his heart was beating so god damn fast and why that part of his skin was tingling.

"I'm losing it." He mumbled, throwing his sheets back, sitting up and tossing his legs over the side of the bed.

He clenched and unclenched his fist a couple of times, his bones protesting as if they have been in use all night.

He looked at them curiously, before shaking his head again, slowly pushing himself to his feet and reaching for a clean t-shirt.

As he pulled the fabric over his head, he couldn't help the small smile which made its way onto his face.

He couldn't explain it, but for some reason he just felt so unbelievable safe.

And a million miles away from Lucifer's hell.

**(a/n) This is the last chapter i have written which isint in note form so it may be a few weeks before i can update again. Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter**** 7**

**(A/N) I'd like to dedicate this chapter to guest 'Casismyfavorite ' for always reviewing. Since i cant reply to you personally. Massive thanks!**

Castiel only stayed away a few hours and he didn't travel far. By the time people began to emerge from their houses he was just a few short miles down the road from the Winchesters. He stood on top of a church building, his body motionless as he watched the town slowly come to life. The bells rang loudly in his ears, people scurried in and out, he could smell the distinctive fumes that hymnals and pews gave out. Still he felt unsettled. He had expected the building to feel more like home. That a place where people came to worship heaven, to communicate with his Lord and Father would have held more of a connection to what he had lost. There was nothing though, he couldn't even feel the protective grace he had become so accustomed to. The cathedral may have been a place of prayer, but there was no one listening on the other end- of that he was sure.

Castiel began to fear that the other angels really were right in thinking God had abandoned them all a long time ago. That the reality was him leaving them, alone, to do with the earth as they wished. To slaughter, to concur, to rip whatever beauty they found to shreds.

The angel scoffed.

If human beings really were God's favourite then he hated to think what condition the other life forces had been left in.

Just thinking about the possibility that stopping the apocalypse could really have fallen on just his, the Winchesters and Bobby's shoulders was utterly terrifying.

That, if it was true, he knew without a shadow of a doubt the world would be left with indescribable casualties.

And that out of the four of them, they would be lucky for even one to survive.

It made him all the more desperate to find him.

To get him to intervene before it was too late.

Castiel squeezed his eyes closed, trying not to picture the hellfire, the state the town he stood in and every one like it would end up in if they could not stop this.

If he could not find God in time.

People gathering in the church yard below him caught his attention and he found himself studying them curiously. They talked about God, their beliefs, the bible's messages, their hopes, their dreams. He curled his lips in distaste, a sudden urge to go down there and tell them all that the divinity they worshiped so hard had sold them out decades before they were even born.

He managed to refrain however- knowing that it would do no good.

Despite how true it was.

Instead, he stayed put and just watched the religious groups beneath him, paying close attention to their mannerisms . He found it fascinating how many expressions could differ from each other, and how many were the exact same just under different features.

He struggled to identify all of their meanings, much to his annoyance.

He also noted that none of their expressions were quite like Sam's.

His mouth left a gap between his lips when he was thinking. He would swallow hard when he didn't like something, lock his jaw. One eyebrow would often raise above another. He would bow his head and do a little smile when he was embarrassed or heard a compliment. Crinkle his nose when he was confused. He would close his eyes when he felt regret or remorse, like if he stopped seeing the scene in front of him, it would stop existing.

He would show his teeth when it was a real smile. Half his mouth would twitch upwards when he was amused. When he was hurt he would do none of these, his eyes would simply sink into himself.

These people he was scrutinizing had none of the same quirks as him that the angel could see.

He wondered if they were unique to Sam.

Closing his eyes as the church bell went off above him once again, he tried desperately to gather his thoughts.

He had to tell Sam what was going on and he had to do it today.

Sam needed him at night, but he could no longer feel right about being there without his knowledge. The events that transpired a few hours ago had shown him just how happy subconscious Sam was with him, but he needed to know how conscious Sam felt too.

And in return, needed Sam to understand what it was he felt for him.

He had never contemplated such things before, no angel had, yet there he was with this desire in his chest that he could not ignore.

He yearned to touch him, to comfort him, to spend more time with them than earth could possibly allow.  
>He wanted to know everything about him, make him happy, protect him even if it was at the cost of Castiel's own life.<p>

He had to find a way to tell him all of this, but he still couldn't find the right words. He had learnt that humans misread situations so easily. That language was important so there was no room for misunderstandings. No room for his mistakes.

This knowledge did not make things any easier for him.

He threw his head back and looked to the sky, cursing the heavens for not allowing the angels the ability to understand such things the way people did.

He cared for Sam, but that didn't even begin to describe it. Saying that alone would never communicate his emotions to him.

He needed to think deeper.

He needed to get this right.

-

A part of Castiel wanted to keep himself unperceivable as he headed back to Winchesters' room later that day. He knew however if he did, he would never uncloak himself again, he would simply stand by and watch and come up with a million excuses on why he shouldn't just get on with it.

Taking a deep breath he didn't even need, he removed that hidden varnish surrounding himself and flew to the same spot he had for a number of days now.

He felt nervous.

Uncontrollably nervous.  
>It was such an alien feeling for him that he almost wanted to go back to how things were, to a time he didn't express doubt and everything else.<p>

He didn't have that option though.

Even if he did, he wasn't sure he could ever give up what he had gained anyway.

This time as he landed, he wasn't greeted by an empty room or newly injured hunters, it was just Sam, sat on the floor in the far corner. Stacks of paper and books surrounding him, his laptop on his lap and a pen sticking out of his mouth as he chewed on the edges. His eyes shot up the second he heard Castiel's wings.

"Cas hey." He greeted, smiling up at him as he dropped the pen from between his teeth and pushed it out of sight. Castiel couldn't possibly understand what was supposed to be embarrassing about that but he chose not to comment.

Humans.

"Hello Sam..." He replied, taking a couple of steps towards him. He had to sidestep a few stray sheets of paper in the process as to avoid ruining them. The lump on Sam's head had gone down already, still it remained noticeably bruised. "Would the chair not be more comfortable?" He continued, tilting his head to one side as he took in Sam's position with confusion.

Sam gave him a sheepish half smile, trying desperately to gather up some of his research and move them out of the angel's way. He had somehow managed to take up most of the free floor space and was only now realising how much of a mess he had left the room in.

"There's just - more space down here." He explained.

Castiel watched him shovel things into different piles around him with the slightest hint of amusement, wondering why his cheeks were turning an interesting shade of pink from such a menial task. He was starting to find he enjoyed seeing Sam developing that colour, it made him even more aesthetically pleasing and his actions that followed always captivated him.

Oblivious to the angel's thoughts, Sam gathered up a stack of books and swung around to place them to his right. Before Castiel could open his mouth in warning, his shoulder hit the chair behind him and he winced. His hand automatically dropping the collection and grasping over his neck to the point of injury instead.

He momentarily squeezed his eyes shut before shaking it off. Pretending like it never happened.

Castiel frowned.

"If I could heal you Sam I would." He spoke out, regret evident in his voice.

"My shoulder? How do you even..." Sam trailed off. " Don't worry about it Cas, it's just a scratch I'll be fine." He continued reassuringly, then seemed to realise he had said the 'F' word and ducked his head with a small smile. Castiel returned the expression as Sam glanced back up to him, realising this time much to his pleasure, exactly what the cause of his blush was.

"I haven't seen you in a few days." Sam eventually said softly, a strange expression falling on his face as he re gathered his books.

Castiel brow creased as he tried to understand why the man suddenly looked so resigned, like he was drawing into himself a little. He didn't realise not coming to talk to him would be an upsetting experience for him.

"My apologies, I was..."

"Oh no! Don't apologise you can't be expected to hang around us all the time. I was just- pointing it out." Sam interrupted as he continued to place things in various piles. Castiel supposed there was a filing system going on somewhere.

He nodded and walked closer, trying to work out what was going on in the younger Winchester's mind. He still sensed embarrassment from him and couldn't quite place the root cause of it. He tended to get over these things a lot faster usually. It didn't make sense for him to be still lingering on something, especially something as ridiculous as eating ink and saying a random word.

He was stood over him now and Sam had to strain his neck to look up at him. Castiel pulled a face, it was so out of the ordinary- Sam was such an exceptionally tall human being that in a vessel the angel was used to looking up at him, not the other way around.

Sam's eyes looked brighter from this angle Castiel decided.

All the same, he asked Jimmy's legs to fold and awkwardly sank to the floor in front of Sam, startling the younger Winchester.

Sitting on couches or beds was one thing but the floor seemed to involve a lot more movement he soon found. Studying Sam's posture carefully, Castiel attempted to replicate what he was doing and crossed his legs, Sam's hands were full of paper's however so he settled on just placing his own in his lap. He could feel his limbs protesting already.

Sam's smile widened throughout the whole escapade, like he found the situation completely humorous. He would never actually laugh at him though. Castiel realised contentedly that no matter what he did, Sam never laughed at him.

It was kind of nice to know that wasn't going to change any time soon.

Once he was settled, the angel's wings fidgeted on his back, Sam had given him the perfect opening and now he just had to take it.

He took a deep steadying breath, preparing himself.

"You seem less incapacitated than the last time we spoke." He stated, trying to make it seem as casual as possible.

He wasn't sure he succeeded.  
>Sam didn't seem to mind the tone though as he ducked his head.<p>

"Y- yeah sorry about that, in a sulky drunk."  
>"So you do remember?" Castiel's eyes widened in surprise, a small amount of hope flowing through him. Maybe this would be easier than he thought.<p>

"Yeah." Sam admitted sheepishly, his hair falling into his face and acting as a blanket over his eyes. He made no attempt to shift it as he rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously and he gave out a jumpy laugh. "I hadn't really had enough to cause any memory lapses."

Castiel felt his heart soar, so Sam did remember - he remembered saying Castiel was perfect to him, he remembered leaning into him, falling asleep on him. The angel had experienced many Thursdays before, this one was defiantly his favourite. He couldn't help the full toothed grin which overtook his features.

Sam's mind seemed to be on the same wave length as his as he was quickly turning beetroot. His face burned and he squeezed his eyes closed for a second, looking very much like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Castiel was an angel, what the hell had he been thinking? He even remembered himself-

Sam visibly winced, wondering why on earth Castiel let him get away with it.

Castiel face fell and he found himself scrutinising the man's reaction, wishing for once that he would just speak his mind- he wanted nothing more than to know what internal debate was going on in there. As Sam face turned an unnatural shade and he flinched, Castiel narrowed his eyes, did this mean he regretted what he said?

What joy he did feel slowly disintegrated and he was almost certain he had gotten his answer.

He felt like something inside of him was breaking in two.

"I will pretend I didn't hear any of it then." Castiel replied awkwardly, trying his best to smile but not quite managing it, he looked away, hurt, not ever having experienced the kind of pain he was right now. He could handle the physical, but this was something else.

He didn't understand his feelings for Sam, but he was beginning to.

And this felt like a rejection.

Sam seemed to detect something in his tone and glance towards him confused. The second his eyes landed on the angel he realised how his reaction had probably been taken. He put his head in his hands and rubbed them up and down his face.

"No, I, don't mean.." He paused, closing his fingers together and rubbing his index fingers up and down his nose. "I do think your great Castiel, I just- what I mean is..." He stopped his hand movements and left them covering his mouth for a moment, his thumbs resting on his chin, the tips of his fingers resting on his forehead. Castiel looked at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying but failing miserably.

He briefly wondered if he was human, if he would have had a better chance at following him. If he would have had a better chance at Sam not regretting what he said to him.

"Ah screw it I'm going to hell anyway." Sam mumbled, dropping his hands into his lap and moving his head to look directly into the angels eyes. "Look I meant every word, I do think you're perfect and the reason I'm so embarrassed isn't because of what I did but... because of what I... did." Sam seemed to realise as he was saying it just how little sense that made and wrinkled his forehead. Castiel squinted, trying to understand how on earth there was a difference between those two points. He was somewhat grateful when Sam elaborated.

"Look, I didn't fall asleep on your shoulder, I was very much awake when I leant into you and I'm sorry and I'm mortified and I really hope that's not why you haven't come by recently because the last thing I wanted was to make you uncomfortable and-" He stopped, not knowing what else to say as he threw his head back against the armrest of the chair. He didn't close his eyes this time though, watching Castiel's reaction carefully.

He enjoyed his company, the things they talked about. It was nice. He just didn't want to ruin things.

Castiel stayed motionless for a moment and Sam feared he was about to fly off.

He didn't however and after what felt like a lifetime to Sam, he slowly blinked, not breaking eye contact as he tried to fight off the laugh. Sam was worried about him being uncomfortable? Now that was rather ironic.

Then the rest of his words sunk in and Castiel couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face.

"I did not mind that Sam." He said simply, struggling to control all the different emotions he was suddenly feeling. Hope, joy, warmth, happiness, his heart felt like it was swelling.

"No?"  
>"No."<p>

The colour soon died down on Sam's face after hearing that and he grinned back at him, his teeth firmly in sight, his cheeks bunched up and crinkles appearing at the side of his eyes. There was still a slight pink tinge to his face but Castiel found himself worshiping it.

"Okay, good, it won't happen again." He tried to reassure brushing the strands of hair out of his face.  
>"I would not mind if it did." Cas replied instantly and Sam's smile widened if that was at all possible.<p>

Castiel found himself copying the expression, his grace leaping within him. He wanted to say so much more to him, to explain everything, especially with the renewed hope that Sam would not be repulsed by his actions. That maybe he would want them to do that more often, want Castiel to hold him at night, to offer him that comfort every time he slept.

Sam shuffling through his paperwork again stopped him however.

Perhaps for today, that understanding was enough.

Slowly he reached out, selecting the nearest stray piece of paper.

"What are you working on? As I understood it you had finished the hunt." He asked, glancing down to the words scribbled all over the document, there was so much crossed out it was hard for him to read.

"Yeah, we have, Dean's gone to do one last check, but it's done. That- That's something else." He garbled, grabbing his work out of Castiel's grip and throwing it onto one of the larger heaps.

His sudden switch confused Castiel and he tilted his head. He had thought a change of subject would help the younger Winchester, not insult him somehow.  
>"Sam? Did I do something wrong?"<p>

He looked hurt again and Sam cursed himself, he could have handled that so much better. In all honesty there was no reason to hide what he was doing from the angel, especially as they had just cleared the air.

"What? No, N-No, No God no!" he stuttered, gathering up the last shreds of paper. Castiel just watched him waiting for him to perhaps continue, his uncertainty multiplying.

He wished for once things would be more straight forward.

Sam kept the pages in his hands, twisting the edges and screwing them together as he debated with himself, trying to decide what to do.

"Okay." He eventually settled on.

Gathering up the different piles one by one, he placed them in between himself and Castiel, discarding the books to the side and his laptop to the ground.

" So this is all the research I could find at various libraries on people who have claimed to have seen or spoken to God over the last 500 years. Anything from bush fires to messages in their coffee." He explained and the angel instantly looked down at the heaps of work, the amount of time it must have taken Sam to write it all out astounded him.

Sam's hand landed on the largest of the bunch, the papers covered in scribbles and red marker pens.  
>"This is pretty much everything I've gathered from all of that that which is rubbish or I've managed to call bullshit on." He continued, his hand then moving to the much smaller pile, barely a few sheets high. " These are maybes, I-I don't know, they could be genuine. They're worth investigating further anyway. The rest I haven't finished checking yet. I was going to come to you with it when I had finished, didn't want to waste your time till I was sure." He explained apprehensively.<p>

And Castiel was stunned.

Like actually stunned.

For a moment he just stared at Sam, his mouth dropping open slightly.

He couldn't form words as he watched Sam pick the pages up and hold on to them tightly, unsure whether to give them to him or not.

"I mean, obviously you've had way better leads than any of this I-I just thought it was another option, maybe there were similar instances that weren't reported on near these places. Or- or maybe there's someone around who could point us in the right direction. There is actually a priest in... never mind. It was a stupid idea." Sam blabbed on, withdrawing the sheets awkwardly. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Castiel had focused so much time into him that it only seemed right he returned the favour. It wasn't like it was a big deal. He was in libraries all the time, doing a little extra research cost him nothing and he couldn't sleep most nights, it was nice to do something productive with his time. He kind of thought it could be an apology too after the over day, even if that wasn't needed now.

Looking at Castiel at the moment though, he couldn't help but feel he had massively over stepped the mark.

What was a few human stories compared to the knowledge of the angels.

"Have you been working on this every time I've seen you on your computer?" Castiel asked after a moment, reaching over to take the notes out of Sam's hand. He studied the text carefully, by each lead Sam had jotted down comments, tried to make some sort of timeline of God's location.

It made Castiel's stomach flutter.

He really was a genius.

" I wanted to help you." Sam replied, uncertainty written all over his features. When the angel failed to say anything else just continued to stare down at the research, Sam winced for a second time that day and closed his eyes.

He really was an idiot.

Just when he thought he had made things right.

"-Sam."

Castiel didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected that, hadn't prepared himself for that. He defiantly hadn't expected the overwhelming response inside himself. He felt warm, like his grace was flaring within him even more than before. It was leaping and dancing and he felt it in a way he hadn't since his fall.

Sam Winchester was not the boy with the demon blood, but the boy with the kindest heart. Nothing like heaven had once described.

How anyone could think he was meant for the pits was beyond him.

Sam, with everything he was going through was spending every inch of his spare time trying to help him. He showed once again how considerate he was, how compassionate, how utterly different to the angel designed to wear him. He made every inch of him ache with desire to be near him, to be close to him, to be a part of his world. He had lived for so many years but none of them meant anything compared to the moments he spent in his man's company.

He was truly something else.

Sam shifted awkwardly under the angel's gaze and Castiel realised he needed to say something, to explain all that to Sam, to make him understand how much his actions meant to him, how much he meant to him.

He knew so many languages, so many different words with so many different meanings, but not one of them seemed adequate enough to use now.

Not one of them described how special he was to him.

"Thank you." He settled on and before he could second guess himself, he manoeuvred himself so he was on his knees, leaned over and wrapped his arms around Sam, pulling him into a hug.

Sam froze and for a few seconds he just kind of held himself still against the angel stiffly, then slowly he raised a smile and moved his own arms, so they wrapped around him in return.

"You're welcome." He replied, resting his chin on his shoulder.

Castiel could actually feel Sam's heart beating heavy against his chest, and Jimmy's own responding in exactly the same way. He knew from past observations hugs were meant to be kept short, so begrudgingly he went to let go, to pull back, but Sam didn't. Sam kept hold of him, tightening his grip and burying his head in Castiel's neck.

The angel beamed and tightened his own grip in response, his hand finding the back of Sam's neck and rubbing it slightly.

Sam inhaled deeply, his brow creasing as the scent hit him and-

The door unlocking and Dean's voice filling the room caused them to jerk apart.

"Sammy, we got them all and I got pie so pack your bags and..." Dean called out, but paused when he saw the two of them sat in the corner of the room- Castiel's on his knees with his arms half open and Sam cross legged and blushing worse than when Dean had caught him reading his porn mags for the first time. "Do you need me to come back?" He continued, his foot kind of held awkwardly in the air as he turned and pointed at the door.

"Dude, don't be daft we were just-"

"Yeah I really don't want to know what you 'were just'... come to think about it, I don't want the mental images either so- I'll just wait in the car. Don't be long." Letting out a whistle he grabbed his bag of the bed and headed back out of the room, trying his hardest not to look back over to them.

As the door closed again, Sam jumped to his feet and started gathering his stuff up.

Castiel sat still for a moment, trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened, eventually he got to his feet too.

"Sam?"

"You smell like..." Sam trailed off, shaking his head and turning away, cringing. "I better-" he indicated to the door and Castiel nodded, not quite sure what he was supposed to do now or where Sam was going with his first thought. As Sam busied himself with clothes, he picked up the research he had done on God.

"I will go and investigate this, thank you Sam."

Sam nodded and Castiel unbound his wings, disappearing in an instant.  
>Once he was sure he was alone, Sam let out a shaky breath, his hand reaching up to the spot on his neck Cas had rubbed. He knew he should have said something to him but he didn't know how to explain what was going on in his head.<p>

How did he explain to the angel that he smelt like home and safety? Of warmth and comfort and so indescribably familiar. Of cherries and vanilla, of musk and love and gentleness. His touch sending shivers down his spine. It was the first time he had ever been held by the angel, but it felt like it was the most normal thing in the world, like they did it on a daily basis.

He couldn't wrap his head around why it felt the way it did. Or why Cas' smell sent him spiralling into the depths of his mind. His body just wanting to sink into him.

Relax

Sleep

He just felt so comfortable and happy

He was sure Castiel could hear his heart beating out of his ribcage- hell he could hear it.

He had thought he got over his crush on him a long time ago.

His blood rush however proved he was very very wrong on that front.

It wasn't a crush, he was full out head over heels in love.

"I'm so screwed." He groaned, his head falling into his hands again. He glanced back to the spot Castiel stood moments ago and shoot his head. "Definitely going to hell."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The next time Castiel went to see Sam, he flew into the back seat of the Impala, shuffling in discomfort the second he realised where he was. He knew how much Dean loved the vehicle but it was so confining he could never enjoy it himself.

Before he had the chance to say anything, he was almost flung sideways as the car took a drastic turn to the left and then to the right. Castiel remained stock still, his body freezing in an attempt to steady himself. He was not aware that angels could feel sickness, but the bubbling in his gut made that point quite clear. He was almost certain he was going to re decorate the insides of the car if it did not steady soon.

Around them he could hear loud horns beeping madly and someone in the opposite lane screaming profanities at Dean. He turned his head to look at them as they passed, wondering if they realised they were well out of the hunters hearing range.

Dean seemed to be fighting for control and eventually he won, settling back in the direction he had originally been going in. He gripped harder at the wheel glancing briefly to his side as Sam moved. He let out a curse under his breath, his pulse increasing. Castiel could hear his heart pounding against his ribcage despite Dean showing little distress amongst his features.

"Damn it Cas, We've talked about this." The older Winchester growled. He glared into the rear view mirror and Castiel found himself returning the look to the man's reflection.

He could hardly help it if Dean was easily distracted.

"I allowed you to hear my wings." He replied, tilting his head to one side. This only caused Dean to narrow his eyes further.

Castiel really didn't understand what else the man expected of him, if he had wanted to scare him on purpose he would have done a much better job of it than that.

"You allowed me to...?" Dean repeated, trialling of with a roll of his eyes. " Man, the etiquette for knocking is actually waiting for the other person to respond before you pop in, you know, giving them time to actually acknowledge it." He continued, his attention diverting back to the long stretch of darkened road in front of them. The other cars that had been around during the unfortunate incident had all disappeared now, leaving no one else around them.

"S-what's going on." Sam mumbled and it was only then that Castiel realised he had been asleep. Dean glared in Castiel's direction, almost silencing him with his eyes before turning his head to his brother.

"Just an animal in the road. Go back to sleep." He said simply, reaching over and turning the radio up ever so slightly. Castiel couldn't help but wonder how more noise was supposed to help with that but he had enough sense to not say a word. He knew if Sam was aware that he was there, then he would snap out of his daze in an instant and he didn't want that.

"Kay." His head dropped to the side and he was out again in seconds, surprising the angel.

Dean gave him a satisfied smirk and drove on a little longer before turning the music back down again.

"You're still driving?" Castiel eventually pointed out, his attention staying on the back of Sam's head, trying to work out if he was sleeping as peacefully as he seemed.

"Oh really? I hadn't noticed." Dean replied with a roll of his eyes and Castiel frowned, recognising the sarcasm his tone held.

He sat for a moment contemplating the surroundings and then squinted even more.

"You're heading in a different direction to earlier?" he stated, confused.

"How often do you check on us?" Dean replied, turning in his seat slightly to look over his shoulder at the angel. When he got no answer he turned back with a shrug, he had long since accepted the dude had some weird radar when it came to knowing what they were up to and for once he couldn't blame it on Sam - Not unless he had been praying in his sleep anyway. He paused for a second and glanced back to his brother again- eventually deciding that if he had of been, that wouldn't actually surprise him in the slightest.

He quickly looked away and refocused his attention on Cas.

"There's some weird deaths happening down south- people going on dates and then butchering each other, last couple literally ate each other." He explained. Castiel pulled a face and Dean nodded in agreement, pleased to see a somewhat normal response to something from him. "Gross right- Anyway Bobby's sent some hunters closer to where we were headed to deal with the windigo so we could go investigate... whatever the hells going on down there instead." He continued.

"And there were no other hunters closer to there that could have dealt with it themselves?" The angel asked, not entirely sure why the brothers' felt the need to head back in the same direction they had originally come from, or why they enjoyed spending so much time in such a little space.

"Oh no there was, but this is the best way to get Sammy to sleep. Open road, some soft rock, knocks him right out." He clicked his fingers in front of Sam's face as if to prove his point, the hunter didn't so much as flinch.

Castiel turned one half of his mouth upwards - It never failed to amaze him just how well the brothers' knew each other.

He continued to stare at Sam and Dean cleared his throat, shifting in his seat.

"Tell you something Cas, there's not a thing about him that I don't know." He continued, his tone changing slightly. Castiel creased his brow and diverted his attention, knowing enough by now to work out when the atmosphere had changed. It was a subtle swing, but there was just something about the way he said it which picked at the back of the angel's neck.

"That does not surprise me." He stated and it didn't, Castiel had been watching them for years, Dean had practically raised Sam himself, been his mother and father when John Winchester had fallen into his obsession. Castiel had heard the rumours of him desperately trying to make deals to bring his wife back and when that hadn't worked, sworn revenge on the creatures who took her from them. He had once seen firsthand how far his hatred stemmed. The things he was willing to do just to find the yellow eyed demon.

He still remembered the look on his face when he found out about Sam.

"So look, level with me. What did I walk in on earlier?" He asked, looking into the mirror again so he could watch the angel's reaction. Whatever reaction he was expecting and he wasn't entirely sure what that was, he didn't get. Castiel didn't even twitch.

"Sam gave me research and I hugged him." He replied, his eyes fixing on Dean's. He was about to tell him he needed to watch the road as it was about to come to a bend, but the hunter had already looked away and diverted the car before he could so much as utter the first syllable. Castiel supposed there wasn't a road in the entire country he hadn't driven down at least once.

"That's it?" He continued and Castiel nodded once firmly. Dean scoffed. "Sure... That's why he looked like a tomato."

"He was embarrassed." He stated simply, realising it was far more likely that Dean meant the colour of the fruit rather than the actual shape of one.

"I bet he was... Do me a favour alright, just be straight with him."

This time Dean slowed the impala down and turned again to face him. This voice was careful, the words well thought out, rehearsed even. Castiel frowned.

"In what way?" He asked confused.

Dean looked from him, to the steering wheel, to the road and back again. Chewing his tongue as he debated how to explain it.

"Let him know your intentions, just be real clear about things. Sam... Sam's not like me, he falls pretty deep."

"My intentions are to help him." Castiel replied, his eyes squinted and brow creased. He had thought he had been obvious in his portrayal of that, Sam was certainly aware by now and after his confrontation with Dean the other day, he had thought he would have been too.

"Yes, so, just, you know, make sure he knows that it doesn't go any further that that." Dean clarified awkwardly. Clearing his throat at the end and diverting his attention entirely back to the road again, which was narrowing. More and more trees surrounding them.

"Than helping him?" Castiel repeated suspiciously, almost raising an eyebrow.

"Yes." Dean glanced in Sam's direction again and gave him a soft smile as he fidgeted, watching as he moved so he was leaning facing towards him more, twisted on his side, his arms folded around his middle.

There wasn't a thing in the world he wouldn't do for his little brother and that included this.

"Dean, if you're insinuating something just say it." Castiel replied, leaning back in his seat and tilting his head, one eye locked on Dean, the other shifting to Sam, checking his face for any signs of distress, he might not have been showing any yet, but it was bound to come eventually.

Dean almost did a double take, but a second look at the angel showed both his eyes facing the same direction and he shook it off. He stayed silent for a moment, indicating left to go down a side road. It was only when the bends and turns of the road evened out a little, he continued.

"Right. It's like in soccer." He started and Castiel could already tell this wasn't going to make anything any clearer, he opened his mouth to stop him, but Dean was oblivious."Scoring is second nature to me... I'm always heading to that goal, playing the field. But Sammy, he's more like a goalkeeper than a shooter. He won't just let anyone past his defence... not that many... players... get to go all the way if you know what I mean. But ... the ones that do, well It's not so black and white for him. Like...It's not just the straight shooters all the time. I mean he likes to pretend otherwise but I'm his big brother and he's not that great at hiding it."

Castiel just blinked, his lip turning up slightly and he squinted once again, his patients wearing a bit thin. One of these days Dean was going to understand that it would save so much time if he just got to the point straight away instead of dancing around it.

"Am I meant to have understood a word of that?" He asked, raising his eyebrows in a very Sam like manner. Dean almost snorted, his little brother really was having a bizarre influence over the angel that once hated him.

"Probably not..." He trailed off, pulling over to the side of the road. When the impala came to a complete stop, he kept the engine running and turned to face the angel completely. As uncomfortable as this made him, Sam needed him to do this - Whether he realised it or not. "Look, Sam has been worshiping angels his whole life and then you turn up and he's back to being a teenage boy crushing on the big dog. Just make it clear things won't be happening in the trouser department and we won't have a problem. Capiche?"

He hoped to God the angel got it this time, it was an awkward enough conversation as it was, without having to go into the specifics. He had been somewhat lucky growing up that they were never in one place long enough to warrant him having the ' do not break my brother's heart' conversation with anyone. He had however seen Sam's hilarious cushing's on numerous occasions, which was why he felt this was so necessary now.

"What things?"

Dean sighed.

Why could his brother not pick a nice human for a change.

"Any things. You know do it subtly... tell him you're both male, that causes a problem for you doesn't it." Dean continued. When Castiel's expression did not change, Dean slumped, wiggled his eyebrows and made a hole between his index finger and thumb. He then held up a finger on his free hand and moved it in and out of it, nodding his head, as if that gesture explained everything he wouldn't put into words.

Castiel furrowed his brow and Dean sighed.

The angel was pretty sure he had seen Dean use that very hand signal at a bar before now but he couldn't quite place it much to his own annoyance.

"It does?" He asked carefully, his mind spinning the memories in his head, trying to work out exactly what the context of that gesture was the first time he saw it and why Sam had pulled a face and brushed it off when he had asked.

"Well isn't there some sort of rule about ... That activity. You being the God squad and all."

Castiel sat up, his head straightening, he suddenly had a much better idea on where this was going and what exactly Dean was getting at.

"Angels are completely indifferent to sexual Orientation." He stated simply, folding his arms across his chest. A part of him was still wondering what Dean's analogies about Sam actually meant, but he pushed those thoughts aside. He remembered now perfectly. Sam telling him he didn't want to know, but him insisting on it anyway. After all, he had stated, if it was a signal that explained a situation, like with the vampire fangs, then he needed to know.

_"What if it comes up one day." He had said as Dean had left the bar, his arm swinging over a tall blonde in a short skirt. He had turned and winked at them, laughing as if he knew exactly what he had just done to his brother and Sam had cursed at him._

_Castiel could still see the reluctance as Sam's shoulders slumped, his hand gripping hold of the glass which contained the pint he had been nursing for a while now_.

_"You don't want to know." Sam had replied, already pulling out his phone and sending a text to his brother, Castiel could work out just four letters being pressed before he hit send._

_"You said you'd answer anything Sam." Castiel had replied and Sam had cringed. He had wondered at the time, what was so embarrassing and if it was just a case of Dean saying he didn't require a hand with whatever he had found. The girl was completely human after all- he had checked. Still that left him more confused on why Sam would want to hide it._

_"I know I did." Sam admitted, taking a rather large swig of his beer. "Okay, look." He continued, twisting his hand around and wiggling his finger. Castiel had been pleased he knew this one and had leant closer, not feeling the need to point out to the hunter that he could hear him no matter how quietly he spoke. "Basically, it's Dean's way of saying he's off to have sex. You know, the fingers is his..." Sam had looked down, glancing at his crotch and blushing bright red. " ... And the hole is... well you know."_

_Castiel did know, he was very aware of the mechanics of sex and much to what he decided was Sam's relief, he had nodded._

_Sam's phone flashed and Castiel just about caught a glimpse of the 'suck it bitch' which flashed across the screen, before Sam put it away._

"What really?" Dean replied, snapping Castiel out of his memory. The hunter looked quite shocked, his neck moving backwards and his face bunching up.

"Yes."

"What about the whole' _thou will not lay with a man as he does a_ _woman_' Thing?" He asked, genuinely curious. He had spent a lot of time with pastor Jim growing up and although the man was very open minded, hell discovering the supernatural existed kind of made it so you had to be, the rest of the congregation had been more than clear on God's apparent thoughts.

Castiel looked incredibly confused, he titled his head to one side and looked at Dean as if he had just announced he was to marry a monkey and spend the rest of his life swinging from trees with only leaves covering his modesty.

"When... did you read the bible?" He asked, looking highly suspicious. Dean rolled his eyes.

"Off topic don't you think." he bit back, shaking his head.

Castiel did not think it was at all, but complied with the unspoken request to drop it.

"There are many interpretations for that meaning, God however could not care less where people put their genitals." The angel replied rather begrudgingly, ignoring the noise Dean made at his bluntness. To be honest he actually did really want to know when Dean had sat down and read his father's words, not entirely convinced he could believe it had happened until he saw it with his own eyes. The older Winchester always did find it harder to believe than his brother. He just couldn't picture him ever having been curious enough to read the passages. Briefly he considered drawing on some of his grace to allow him to just read his mind, Dean probably wouldn't notice if he kept him distracted long enough. "He also stated that people should not mix different clothing substances. I see no one obeying that rule either. That is leather and cotton you're wearing."

" Um... yeah... it is." Dean said with a clear of his throat, shifting back around and preparing to pull off back onto the road again. He was slightly restless and tense, not really sure how to take that information. He hadn't thought when he began the conversation that he was telling a sexually indifferent angel that his brother was occasionally like that too.

Not that he had a problem with it mind you, it was nice to know Sam might not actually get his heart ripped in two and trampled all over if he was to ever admit his feelings to the angel.

Still he swore if one day he woke up to find two moving bodies in the bed next to him he would not be responsible for his actions.

He glanced into his mirrors and pulled off down the road, grateful for having something to distract himself with. Then ever so slowly he smirked.

He could work around this if he got some facts in first.

"Hey Cas , since we've talked about knocking etiquette already...let me tell you a little something about socks on doors..."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Castiel remained in the back seats of the impala for a further 45 minutes listening to Dean explaining the ins and outs of college customs and what clothing was acceptable to hang where. He wasn't entirely sure why he needed to know these things but had assured the man over and over that he got it anyway. Insisted, that he understood should he ever feel like 'unleashing the lion' that it was of the ut most importance that Dean was not in the room at the time.

Castiel repeated the statement more than he cared to remember, with an ever growing sense of annoyance before Dean finally seemed satisfied.

The angel had hoped that would be the end of it.

He had no such luck.

Dean was half way through explaining which porn shows would be the most educational for him, identifying the finer points of sex (should he need it), when Castiel took off.

Sam was sleeping peacefully, Dean was awake and with him, he had no reason to stay.

And quite frankly he couldn't sit through another second of it.

Dean glanced in his rear view mirror and let out a laugh he hadn't managed to summon since his return from hell.

The combined noise of that and Castiel's wings seemed to wake Sam, who glared at his brother with narrow slits, not even bothering to lift his head of the edge of the seat as he spoke, his voice plagued with suspicion.

"What did you just do?"

This only caused Dean to laugh more.

* * *

><p>Once Castiel had thought about it more, he realised he had an inkling as to what was behind the killing's the brothers' were investigating. He returned to them once it was light to elucidate this and to assist in tracking down the wayward cupid. That had been hours ago and much to his surprise, they had found that the naked angel in question had little to do with things. Insisting his love was pure and that he did not understand how it could possibly have all gone wrong.<p>

In fact he had been so distraught at the very suggestion Castiel thought he may just kill himself there and then.

The angel had cleared him of any wrongdoings quickly after that and found himself engulfed in an over enthusiastic hug for his troubles.

He found with a shudder, he much preferred Sam's to his.

Now sitting, eating perhaps what was his 70th burger of the day, Castiel watched Sam shifting through police files with curiosity. Every now and then he would depart to get another meet feast and this would be the only time Sam would turn to face him, almost vocalising the question about his his new found hunger. He never said it though and Castiel found himself playing a sort of waiting game, wondering just how long it would take for him to break his silence on the matter.

When he finally did, it wasn't to say what the angel had expected.

"If you take smaller bites they will last longer." Sam stated as Cas placed as much of the burger into his mouth as he could possibly manage. The meat was just so tender, it made his tongue salivate with just a single touch. The bread was so warm and the various toppings made Jimmy's taste buds practically explode in joy. Never before had he realised just how sensational such a human need was, how something as simple as food could bring so much happiness into his life.

Castiel paused and glanced down as his snack before reluctantly pulling it out of his mouth slightly. Despite how much he wanted as much of the mouth watering treat as he could get inside of him at once, the hunter knew more about such practises than him and he supposed it was only right he listened.

Almost begrudgingly he took a smaller bite, chewing slowly to really draw out the flavourings.

Sam gave him a half smile and returned to his reading. He had a piece of tissue paper in his hands and was tearing at the edges as he did, creating a tiny pile of fluff on the floor next to him. As Castiel paid attention to his mannerisms, he found himself frowning, wondering how he hadn't noticed Sam's posture before. He seemed tense, his shoulders rigid, his teeth clenched and he just couldn't keep his fingers still.

"Is something wrong Sam?" He asked, pulling the wrapper on his meal down more and tearing off another chunk of the meat. He chewed noisily as he waited for an answer, he had taken a third bite before Sam seemed to even register he had spoken.

The hunter cleared his throat.  
>"No... I'm just can't figure out why a virgin would suddenly want to eat her date."<p>

They fell back into silence.

Castiel threw the last part of the burger into his mouth and vanished again. He was sure had his craving not been so strong he would have called the boy out on his obvious lie. For one thing he was reading the case of the person who ate so much their stomach exploded, not the couple they had originally come here for.

This time when he came back, Sam's thumb nail had found its way into his mouth and he was chomping on it, his bottom teeth hitting it over and over again. Castiel's eyebrows drew together as he unwrapped the sweet tasting mutton and prepared to sink his teeth into yet another piece.

"You seem agitated." The angel stated, the burger hovering just seconds away from his lips. That statement seemed to be more important than taking a mouthful and he had already been told of for speaking with chewed up curd resting on his tongue once. Refraining from eating it was no easy task however.

Sam sat straighter, pulling his hand away from his face in an instant, like Castiel had just flipped a switch.

"Been cooped up for too long." He tried to laugh off but it came out uptight, strained.  
>"This is a new motel room, you were out approximately 77 minutes ago." Castiel disclosed, pulling the burger as far into his mouth as it could go. He had spent too long without the juice slithering down his throat and he needed <em>more<em>.

"I mean I haven't been for a run in a few days, it's just pent up energy." He tried to clarify, watching Castiel carefully as he devoured more and more of the meat in his hands, almost like he was a starved tiger at a zoo.

"Then go? A clearer mind would aid you more than one filled with _desire_."

Sam's eyes darkened dangerously at that word as Castiel finished the last of his burger and scrunched up the wrapper to toss to the floor. He didn't leave straight away to go and retrieve another however, studying the younger Winchester carefully. Sam's hands had fallen into his lap but one hand gripped the other and squeezed so tightly the angel was sure he was restricting blood flow. The hunter's top teeth drew over his bottom lip and he bit down, hard, slicing through the skin.

Castiel frowned at his actions.

The second Sam tasted what he had done, he bolted to his feet, charging to one of the bags and pulling out a bottle of water. He practically tore the lid of as he threw the contents into his mouth. Castiel expected him to swallow, he didn't however, he marched over to the window- which was closer than the bathroom and spat the liquid now dyed pink, back out. Trying desperately to wipe away any of the traces of the sickly metal essence from his mouth.

His face was as white as the sheets Castiel was sat on top of.

"Sam?" He said carefully, standing up, his concern outweighing his longing for beef as he took a step towards him, his hand almost reaching out.

Sam shook his head.

He took a step back, shaking his head again and Cas paused in his movements, unsure.

"Sam?" He repeated slower this time, trying to assess exactly what was going on with him.

The hunter seemed to come back to himself and forced his body still.

"I'm fine."

The fingers digging into the hem of his sleeves, suggested otherwise.

Castiel studied him for a moment, his eyes trailing from the top of his head, down to the tips of his toes. He saw past the clothing and concentrated on what his body was doing. His joints were tense, his muscles were in spasm, his toes were curled in on his feet, his heart was pounding, his lungs begging for air, as if Sam was purposely trying not to breathe, taking in only what was necessary for his continued survival every 30 seconds.

His hormones were everywhere, his body being shot full of adrenaline.

Everything was in overdrive.

"I'm going to get Dean." The angel revealed as soon as his eyes travelled back up to Sam's face. Sam however was refusing to look at him and he realised for perhaps the first time today, he had yet to make eye contact with his friend.

"NO..." Sam called out loudly, cursing silently as he realised just how desperate that sounded "I... Cas there is no need." he continued, his voice instantly seizing back under his control. He was trying to be normal, trying to reassure Castiel there was nothing wrong.

If the angel hadn't have known him so well, hadn't have been able to see all the other signs going on inside of him, he may have believed him.

"I think there is."

Sam shook his head in denial, taking a step back again, he released his sleeves and started cracking his knuckles in an effort to distract himself. Castiel found Jimmy's hunger escalating but tried his best to ignore it, now was not the time to head off for a burger.

"No." Sam replied nervously yet determinedly, his breath hitched.

"Why?" Castiel demanded, worry circulating in his gut, because Sam's heart beat was way too high for a human and he still would not look at him. Over his shoulder, at his shoes, at his coat, but not at him.

"BECAUSE...I don't have the fight in me to argue with him right now." The hunter admitted, his shoulders sagging. That might have been the end of it if Castiel could not see it for what it was, a controlled action. He made it sound like there was an issue with Dean, like that was the problem, the thing he couldn't fight, the discussion they had yet to have. His toes were still curled though, the sweat was starting to break on his neck, his lungs were screaming for their host to just breathe normally.

Castiel sighed.

"You're stronger than you think."  
>"I'm <em>really<em> not."

Castiel shook his head watching as Sam's hands began to tremble. The hunter gripped them tight, trying to steady them, trying to hide it, but it was too late.  
>They both knew he had already seen.<p>

"What is going on?" He demanded, tilting his head to try and catch Sam's eye.

Sam said nothing. He pulled at his shirt, began pacing, Castiel felt his worry deepen.

"Sam! What is wrong?" he tried again, his voice harsher this time. He wanted to reach out, to grab the man, shake him, keep him still, make him look at him.

Castiel could tell from the moment Sam's movement ceased that he wasn't going to like what was to come out his mouth next.

"YOU! You're what's wrong." Sam snapped, his eyes finally rising from the floor, but glaring at Castiel's nose this time rather than into his eyes. Castiel supposed it was at least a slight amount of progress. " You've been bugging the crap out of me. Just GO. Go help Dean find out whatever is going on in this town and leave me alone!"

His tone got harsher, faster as he went on and Castiel paused, rooted to the spot. Sam's hands wouldn't keep still now, snapping, clicking, pulling at his fingers.

"Sam..." Castiel replied drawing out his name quietly, almost pleadingly. But angels didn't plead.

"I SAID GO!" He growled and still, without properly looking at him, he charged forward - literally shoving the angel out of the way as he headed towards the bathroom. Castiel allowed himself to be moved, worried he'd only make things worse if he allowed the hunter to fall. He turned to follow him but before he could even take a step, Sam entered the smaller room and slammed the door closed behind him.

Castiel heard the lock click seconds later.

For a moment he stood still, unsure of what to do. It was if Sam had forgotten he was an angel and could enter the room whether it was bolted or not. He made no attempt to do so however.

If Sam didn't want him there he wasn't about to force his way in.

He didn't know how to take what had just happened. Sam had never, not once given the impression his presence wasn't welcome before. He knew it went so much further than tolerability. Everything about Sam in that moment wasn't Sam. He had seen Sam angry, he had seen him furious, with angels, with monsters, with his own actions and that wasn't his body's chemical reactions, wasn't his features reactions to that emotion.

That wasn't angry Sam.

That was terrified Sam.

He unbound his wings and sensed for Dean, he could hear Sam sinking to the ground now, banging his head repetitively against the door.

He didn't move for a second, contemplating just going in there and taking Sam with him, whether he protested to it or not. The gnawing hunger in his gut stopped him though.

Before he could even register what he was doing, he was gone, straight back to the nearest dinner.

He would go to Dean, they would figure out what was going on, but he needed some supplies first.

Hearing a rustle of wings that signified Castiel's exit, Sam exhaled hard and folded into himself. He continuously threw his head back against the solid surface of the door behind him and tried to force the bile that was raising back down his throat. Shame, didn't even begin to describe how he felt right now.

He had been doing so well, had finally thought he had gotten his life back on the straight and narrow, or as close to that as a demon blooded hunter fighting the apocalypse could get anyway. He should have known all along it was too good to be true. That God intervening when he did wouldn't give him some sort of free pass.

From the second they stepped foot into the town all he could think about was the blood. Every fibre of his being was craving the sweet, metallic taste and sheer power it brought with it.

And he hated himself for it.

Human blood was different, but whether he liked it or not, his own contained traces of demon's. Tasting the blood when he had bitten his lips set his mind into a spiral. It was so strong, the smell, the taste, his mouth watered and ached for more. He could almost control the lust before, had managed to subdue his desires. But tasting that, experiencing just the trace of the substance he had been so addicted to, had tipped him over the edge.

He wanted, no he needed more.

More and more and more.

His bones were aching, his muscles were so tight and knotted, his cells were crying. He could still taste it, he could hear his own blood pounding through him - it had some of what he needed, but it wasn't nearly enough.

He slammed his head back harder, hoping the pain would null everything else for just a second. That's all he needed, a second to regain control, to force the impulse so far down into his gut he could weigh it there with everything else.

He needed to think about the guilt. Doing what he had before had set Lucifer on the world. Had resulted in the death of so many. He had opened the pits of hell, nearly destroyed his relationship with his brother. All because of the blood, his own weakness'.

If he could push it there, if he could pile it all on, he knew he'd be strong enough to take this, just for a little while longer. Long enough for Dean to figure out the case, kill whatever needed to be killed. He could be locked up again then, thrown into Bobby's panic room and left there until the desire subsided completely.

If it never did, that was fine too, he knew he'd be contained down there. He wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else.

He hit his head harder again, he felt the pain this time, the spot still tender from the last blow. It wasn't enough though and his body shook.

He hadn't wanted Castiel to leave, he had wanted him to stay. If anyone had the ability to keep him from running to the nearest demon it was him. He could physically restrain him if he had to.

He hadn't wanted Castiel gone, but he had to have him gone.

He couldn't be around him while he craved something like this. They had finally gotten to a good place. The angel no longer saw him as just a monster, the scum of the earth that he first did. He refused to let that change, refused to allow Castiel to see how weak and disgusting he really was. To know that he had been right in his assumptions all along.

Even the thought of Castiel looking at him with that level of revolution that his habit brought, made his chest feel like it would snap in two. He was just starting to really believe the angel was as much his friend as he was Dean's. That he cared for him the way he did his brother. He had been so nice to him, so accepting and willing to help recently. He just could not deal with that changing again - any more than he could fight of his bodies desires.

He could not handle the angel seeing him for a second time, as the abomination he was born as.

He wondered how Castiel could even stand to be near him as it was. His soul must have been the most twisted and dark and just pure vile thing he had ever laid eyes on. All he could think about was; Did he have to force himself to be in the same room as Sam? What had even possessed him to even want to hug someone like him? Did it make his skin crawl? Was it because he had fallen from grace? That he felt he was no longer worthy of staying away from the freak which was Sam Winchester?

Sam stopped banging his head and instead, buried it in his hands, digging his nails into his scalp. He had to fight this, he had to stop himself becoming what he was destined to be.

The boy with the demon blood.

The boy with the Demon addiction.

The boy who destroyed the world.

The hunger within him grew and he closed his eyes, squeezing them tight until he saw stars dancing in his blacked out vision. It still wasn't enough, the stars morphed into a sweet flow of red, delicious blood, oozing towards him.

His throat was on fire now.

His grip tightened.

He had to fight this.  
>He had to fight this.<br>_He had to fight this._

He could feel sweat forming on his brow, dripping down his face, as it had been his neck since he locked himself in there.

He remembered Dean's expression when he first discovered his addiction, saw him sucking the saccharine blood out of a demons arm's during a hunt. He focused on that with all his might. His disappointment, his disgust, his declaration that he really was a monster, fair game.

He was never sure what changed the man's mind about killing him.

If he had of done, the world would have never gotten to this point.

He drew all the looks he'd ever gotten from Dean and willed them to stay in his mind until the very end. He would not disappoint his brother again now. They were on rocky enough grounds as it was. They wouldn't survive another addiction.

He would not become the monster that hurt all the ones he ever loved. He would not lose his family from his life. Dean, Bobby, Cas, they were all he had left. If he surrendered to this pull, he would never get them back.

If this was God's way of testing if he was worthy of being in their presence, he would prove himself for as long as he could.

If this was Lucifer's way of getting him to say 'yes' he would die before he let that happen.

He would fight this, he would fight it until he had no fight left.

He would not be the one to destroy the world.

The hairs began to stick up on end along his skin, every inch of him pooling with a need so strong - he had never felt anything like it.

He grabbed at the knife he kept in his jeans, pulling it out.

He would fight this.

The pressure in his chest increased, every single cell in him tensing, begging.

He gripped the knife tighter, turning it around so it was resting on top of his leg's femoral artery.

Ready.

Waiting.

He would fight this, he would win.

Or he would die before he even got to his feet.

He didn't know how much time had passed, but suddenly he could hear footsteps entering the motel room behind him. Two sets.

He knew in an instant they weren't Dean or Cas', the footfalls were different, the boots they had on were different, the space between each step, was different. Hell one of them were in high heels.

He felt his body freeze.

His nostrils flared.

His heart beat quicker.

He could smell it - the demon blood.

Just inches away from him.

He jumped to his feet in a panic, backing away from the door as far as he possibly could. Trying to tuck himself against the wall. His eyes were wild, he could hear the blood pumping, louder and louder. His mouth watered to the point it was almost drooling down his chin.

He clutched at the knife, held it in front of him, then almost dropped it in horror.

There was no way he was strong enough to resist his compulsion if it was bleeding out in front of him.

He gulped down the saliva filling his mouth.

His breathing became heavier as they got closer to his prison.

He was in so much trouble. He had locked himself in a room with no exit and he couldn't fight back or he'd be at the mercy of his blood dependence once again.

They rattled the door, he pressed himself against the wall between the shower and sink basin. His hands shook, he dropped the knife. The shaking became harder, more forceful, they knew he was in there now.

Desperately he picked it back up, tucking it into his belt. He wouldn't use it, not even for his own defence, he couldn't. He also couldn't risk losing the one weapon they had against demons in the future.

The door steadied and he prepared himself to charge, to run, he had one chance of getting away and he couldn't blow it.

Within seconds the door hand been kicked off its hinges, pieces of wood scattering across the floor. Sam took a deep breath, then held it as they burst in the room. He could not smell them. Not if he was to survive this.

He lunged forward, as if to rugby tackle them out of the way.

He was strong he could do this...

Unfortunately, they were stronger.

They grabbed him, one arm each and forced him back, pinning him to the ground.

Sam kicked out and caught the male in the stomach, sending him hurtling into the bath.

He took the opportunity while he had it and tackled the woman this time, sending them both into the coffee table in the next room.

The glass shattered into pieces beneath them.

The scent of blood hit him harder than he ever could have prepared himself for, even not breathing didn't stop the taste that sprang to his lips.

He stayed stock still, holding himself above the demon in a suit. His eyes locked on the blood that was dripping all around her.

The sweat on his forehead shone, falling and mixing with the substance beneath him.

It called to him, sang to him like the sweetest, kindest voice, you could ever hear. He reached down, his hand being coated in the substance and he just stared at it, his eyes almost completely black with longing.

His mind screamed at him.

No  
>No<br>NO.

His body wasn't listening.

He vaguely registered the other demon recovering behind him as he brought his hand to his lips. The second the taste hit him he was gone. Glass in hand, slashing her neck to drink as much as it as he possibly could.

She struggled in protest, he sucked harder.

The male demon grabbed the leg of the broken coffee table, swinging it towards him.

Sam's arm flung out, sending him crashing into a wall before he could even begin to bring it down on him.

He sat there, panting heavy, there was so much blood and he just couldn't stop.

He got his knife back, he needed more access, more blood.

He drew his lips to the newest injury and closed his eyes.

Behind them he saw Bobby, telling him to lose his number, Dean, telling him he was a monster, that he was going to hunt him, Castiel, calling him an abomination, saying he should have let Anna kill him. He saw his dad, saying he should never have let him live past childhood. He saw his mum, wondering why she had ever given her life for him. He saw Jess, backing away in fear. Brady, following her, looking terrified. He saw their disgust, their hatred, them turning their backs on him forever.

He sucked.

A single tear slipping down his cheek.

It was over now.

He was over.

**(A/n) Two updates in two days, been on a typing role haha. Thanks everyone so much for reading and all the follows and favs! Means alot!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Sam remembered little of how he got from the motel room to the diner. His instincts were going wild, his body being fuelled by the demon blood and nothing but the demon blood. He was like a gun dog following a scent through the town. They were close and he needed to get to them.

Needed more of the sweet liquid dripping down his throat.

He thought of nothing else , no one else, just his deepest most toe curling desires.

He didn't register stealing a car, knocking someone out or even the looks he got as he charged down the street with blood dripping down his face.

Every cell in his body was humming, alive in ways they hadn't been since he had let Lucifer out, months ago.

They thanked him for giving in, releasing so many endorphins inside of him it felt like he was floating.

Floating in a black fog.

When the primal haze eventually lifted, he was standing in front of the horseman, surprised to find his weakened body in a wheelchair. He looked nothing like War.

Demons were surrounding him like rapid guards. His brother was behind them, being held still by two of the lackeys- the second Dean's eyes landed on him, they widened in horror.

He was mouthing, shouting, 'Sammy no'.

Sam's insides churned.

He wanted to flinch.

His eyes watered, but not a single drop fell.

His angel was sat off to the side, hidden in a sea of burgers, desperately devouring them all. He seemed oblivious to everything going on around them, too far gone in his own hunger to even notice Sam's entrance.

The hunter was thankful for that at the very least. Thankful that Castiel wouldn't get to see him like this.

Wouldn't see him with his face covered in dried blood, the evidence of his weakness clear to all that looked.

He was a monster.

A vampire in human form.

He heard Dean repeat his statement and his attention drifted back towards the horseman.

Famine was riding towards him now, speaking of the earlier demons he had sent as a snack.

A part of Sam, deep at the back of his mind, wanted to lunge at him, scream 'how dare he', fight back against yet another attempt at manipulation.

His body however didn't move an inch, his eyes barely even twitched.

His mind locked on the horseman's next statement.

Offering up the demons in the room as desert.

Offering him unlimited blood.

Offering him all he could ever wish for.

His insides sang, pulled, danced, begged him for more. For him to accept. He was too far gone now, his cells argued, it was pointless to try and fight.

He knew in an instant that if he was to do this then that would be it for him, there would be no turning back.

He considered for a moment just how long it would take to reach them. Two steps? Maybe Three? Then a swipe of the blade resting in his belt and it would be his.

If he could go for an artery, it would practically pool into his mouth.

Three little steps and he got to keep the power inside of him.

Forever.

He swallowed, his eyes locked on to famine, then they shifted with great force to take in his brother's face.

He didn't seem as disgusted as he thought he would, instead he looked worried, worried for himself, worried for the future, worried for what Sam would say... but most importantly- worried for him.

Of what would become of him should he say yes.

He looked towards Castiel who had managed to tear his attention away from his own hunger long enough to register he was there.

Sam closed his eyes.

Famine's next words ringing in his ears.

He wouldn't die from this.

He could have as much as he wanted and he would never die, he was the exception to the rule.

His eyes snapped open.

The exception. Always the exception.

He was never normal. Always the freak, the one the grand design could never get to fit in.

The hunger clawed at him, begged him, his throat burned as it did in the motel room. His body pleading with him to give in. It wanted more, it needed more. What he had inside of him now, wasn't enough, no amount of blood would ever be enough.

He felt sick.

He could still smell it on him, his body was craving it more than anything, it didn't understand why he hadn't taken the steps yet, why he was resisting.

He didn't understand it either.

All was already lost, so why not just give in?

It was practically torture for him standing there when the demons were so close.

His body needed the blood like a fish needed water.

'My body has never been my own.' He had once told Castiel and that had never felt truer than it did at this moment in time. His mind hated his addiction, but his body loved it. He wanted to be as far away from the substance as he possibly could, his body wanted it joined with him for all eternity.

It was nothing but a conditioned puppet.

Forced when he was just 6 months old to accommodate an addiction which would shape the rest of his life.

"Take them." He was told.

His eyes hardened, the glistening tears refusing to fall.

"No." he all but spat, surprising even himself.

He just about registered Castiel sitting up straighter, his head tilting to the side, his hands clasped on another burger ready to tear it apart, but pausing at those words.

He could see Dean's brow crease in confusion, a little hope brightening his eyes.

Hope that his brother was still in there.

Sam swallowed hard, his heart pounding in protest, his lungs contracting, his liver crying out.

He ignored them all, forcing himself with all his might not to give in now.

He wasn't attached to any strings.

He had a choice, no matter what circumstances had brought them to this point, he still had a choice.

Famine said something in response, in disbelief, Sam couldn't hear what.

'What was he doing?' Even his brain screamed to him. 'Why was he putting himself through this?'

His hunger gnawed at him, his blood boiled, but he pushed it down, pushed it down so deep into his guts it didn't stand a chance of ever coming back up again.

He may have been offered all he ever wanted.

But he had never wanted this.

Before he second guess himself, he flung his arm out, calling upon the power which had become part of him.

His body pulsed in protest, unwilling to let the blood go so easily.

He didn't care. He summoned whatever strength he had left inside of him and demanded it to do his bidding.

He was many things, but for now at least he was still human.

And that meant it was his damn body and whether it liked it or not, it was going to do as it was told by him. Not anyone else. Not the demons, not the blood, not its own cravings. But him and him alone.

The demons started to raise out of their meet suits and Dean dropped to the floor.

They were almost gone when Famine said he'd take them for himself, calling them back. In revulsion the two brother's watched as the horseman's mouth opened and the demonic energy drew into him.

Sam guessed everyone had their hunger.

With a smile he realised he had just discovered famine's.

He wondered how many of those demons the creature had come to consume over the years and before he could even understand what he was doing, he gripped his hand tight and pulled with all his might.

His body, his choices, his actions.

He was weak, but thanks to famine himself he was strong enough for this.

Blood trickled down his nose but he forced the power on, it was not allowed to stop. The horseman fought, wriggled, growled, collapsed. More smoke than Sam had ever seen, exploding out of him, leaving him immobile in the centre of the diner.

He didn't move again.

And the room fell quiet.

After what felt like an eternity, Dean made the first move, he stood up.

His mouth was agape as Sam went to wipe the blood of his face, sniffing in absolute exhaustion. His hands were trembling as the effects of withdrawal already began to settle in.

He had used too much.

Too much, too quickly, with a purpose his powers were never intended for.

Castiel got to his feet and Sam turned his attention to the floor. He didn't deserve to look at either of them, not after what he had done.

He barely noticed Dean pulling the ring off the horseman's finger to far gone in his own shame spiral.

"How did you..." Castiel started but never finished as Dean pocketed the ring and all but charged towards Sam, grabbing hold of his arm, almost like he was worried he was about to shoot off and never return.

Sam almost laughed, a sad dejected laugh- He didn't need to worry about that.

If he was going to flee, he would have done it with the cubic volume of all the demons in tow.

He wasn't going anywhere now except to the place they decided to put him. He wasn't up for his next hit. He knew the consequences of what he had done.

"Take us to Bobby's!" Dean demanded, tightening his grip around Sam, as if he expected one hell of a fight. Castiel dropped the remaining burger from his hand, the most unreadable expression on his face as he took in the younger Winchester. Sam didn't even want to think about what he looked like, how repulsive he now was to the angel. He hung his head lower in disgrace.

Castiel did not move, tilting his head to look at Dean.

"Do you not understand what he just did?" He asked, his eyes wide. Sam winced, all his suspicions being confirmed in an instant.

If he looked at the angel's face, he may have realised it wasn't aversion which lay within it.

But he didn't.

All he could think about was that Castiel knew without a shadow of a doubt he was a monster now.

And that their friendship was over.

"Yes I do, now get us the hell to Bobby's." Dean continued, almost frenetic. He reached around , grabbing Sam's other arm too, as if the delay in them moving would somehow snap him into action.

Sam closed his eyes, trying to remember the last time Dean touched him when he wasn't disgusted by him. He needed to remember that, needed to make sure he never forgot it. It would be a long time now before he was touched like that again.

That thought hurt more than anything.

But he knew he deserved it.

Castiel shook his head.

"No you don't. He all but killed famine, Dean!" He growled and Sam shrank back, wondering how everything could change so drastically in just a few hours. He wondered if his nightmares would become a part of his everyday life now, his new reality.

The panic room was the best place for him he decided.

He wouldn't be able to cope with it all without Castiel's assistance.

And he had well and truly lost that now.

"I saw."

"You saw, but you don't comprehend the significance of his actions." Castiel continued, heading towards them, silently begging Sam to make eye contact with him. He got it now, he knew why Sam was acting so strange back at the motel. From the second he realised who was behind all of this, he feared for his friend. But never, not once, did he imagine it ending like this.

He had told Sam he was strong, but he was wrong.

Strength didn't even begin to cover this.

"Just get us out of here." Dean said again and Castiel relented. He shook his head in annoyance but reached over anyway, touching a hand to Dean's shoulder, then slowly he moved his other hand to Sam's.

He tried not to register Sam's flinch as he swore to drill just what Sam had accomplished into the brothers later.

* * *

><p>The second they landed at Bobby's house, Dean took off, frog marching Sam down the stairs, not even bothering to explain what was going on to the immobilized hunter who appeared in the doorway at the sound of Castiel's wings. His face was questioning, a frown firmly set in place as he watched one of his surrogate children drag the other to the basement.<p>

His lips thinned as he pressed them together and shook his head, it didn't take a genius to work that one out.

For a tenth of a second Castiel did nothing but scrutinize them, his mind locked on Sam's expression and complete lack of resistance to any of this.

Then he caught himself and charged after Dean, not sparing Bobby a second glance.

He even used the stairs instead of his wings for a change. His actions resembling a pissed of human's rather than the indifferent angel he was supposed to be.

"Dean stop!" He called out, glaring as Dean threw open the panic room's door. The older hunter ignored him stepping into the iron cell and 'forcing' Sam to lay on the cot which remained in the middle from the last time they were in there. He was already gathering the ropes by the time Castiel managed to reach his side, his trench coat, flapping at his side from the speed in which he moved.

"Stop?" Dean asked in bewilderment. His nose creasing upwards. " He's full of demon juice! We need to get this out of his system."

He pushed Sam's left wrist to the end of the frame and started wrapping the rope repetitively around it, he shook his head, as if he couldn't believe what the angel had just said to him.

"Last time you did this he almost died." Castiel growled, his eyes trailing to Sam's face, who was refusing to look at either of them.

It was like he was completely shutting down.

"But he didn't." Dean threw back, tying a knot in his work and heading around to the other side of the cot. Deep down he knew this probably wasn't the best way of dealing with the situation but he didn't know a better way. Castiel hadn't seen Sam being literally thrown around the place the last time they tried to forcefully detox him, his body desperate for blood. Hadn't seen the bruises that he was left with, the cracks in his ribs. He didn't understand it but this was the safest thing for him. The best way to protect him. He had to be tied down here, or God only knew what would become of him. He couldn't control himself in this state.

The hunter didn't explain any of that to the angel though, didn't feel he needed to. It wasn't Castiel's place to interfere with the way they did things. He just had to accept that as his brother, he knew what was best for him.

That as the person who raised him, he got to decide what happened to him without question.

"Only because he got out and God saved your asses, you won't be that lucky again." The angel sniped, his face was cold and hard, trying not to give anything away despite the way his insides were twisting.

He was never supposed to take a side against Dean, even when he was following orders, they all revolved around him, not his brother and he had never found a need to doubt his decisions where Sam was concerned before. Looking at the younger winchester withering on the bed now though, he couldn't help but do just that.

This wasn't right.

"Look I don't like this any more than you, but we don't have a choice."

As Dean gathered the rope and prepared to move Sam's arm, Castiel watched with a frown as Sam moved his limb to where Dean needed it to be of his own accord. His cheeks were twitching, his hands clenched into fists showing the first rounds of pain had already started to intensify, yet still he did anything his brother needed him to. Even if it meant keeping what he really needed to himself.

Castiel's chest clenched painfully as he watched Sam's eyes become completely unfocused. He just looked so lost, dejected and resigned to his fate no matter what it may be. Beyond all of that though he looked guilty and just so disappointed with angel wanted nothing more than to tell him how wrong he was, how he didn't need to feel any of these things, how mind-blowing his actions actually were.

Exception to the rules indeed.

Now was not the time for that though and he doubted Sam would hear him even if he tried.

"This could kill him!" He continued aggravatedly, forcing his attention away from the boy and onto his brother. Dean flinched slightly, but continued what he was doing regardless. It was almost like he was pretending he hadn't heard him, until he all but whispered the next words from his mouth that is.

"At least he will die human."

Dean closed his eyes as he said it, there was no malice intended there, just a simple statement. Because in the end, thats all that mattered, all that they had been trying to do all these years.

Castiel could never comprehend the importance of that.

"DEAN!" Castiel shouted in a rage, shaking his head in horror and trying to reach over to untie the knots at that very second - only to be shoved aggressively away by the hunter.

He would never understand.

"Layoff! He's my brother, you do not get a say in this." Dean hissed and the angel drew back in disbelief at the tone.

Dean worked in silence after that, tying the last knot then moving Sam's arm up and down to test how secure his restraints were. Once he was satisfied that there was no way he could break free of them. He stood up straighter, sighing as he glanced back to the angel guiltily.

It wasn't his fault he had no idea what it truly meant to be a partnership like they were. Even Sam knew this was for the best and if he could, Dean was sure he would have communicated that to that angel to.

"Look." He said with a sigh. "I thought you said the archangels would never let our deaths be permanent anyway." He spoke with less bite this time, keeping his hand over the knots and giving his brother's wrist a gentle squeeze.

Sam showed no sign of being able to comprehend it.

"They won't."

"Then what's the problem?"

"He will be in agony. They may bring him back but if he dies in this state, with that much demon blood in him, he'll be heading in one direction and it's not upwards." Castiel snapped, his eyes flaring as he tried to make the hunter understand just what he was signing Sam up for. He wished he could have found a better way of saying that however as he watched Sam flinch. It saddened him to realise that he seemed completely unsurprised by the statement though. As if he never thought he had a place in heaven anyway. "You really want to put him through that? Put him through hell? Years passed down there before we could get to you! Who knows how long it will take for them to even find Sam." Castiel continued.

As if to prove what he was first saying, Sam's fists clenched tight at his sides, his head snapping to the left like he was a rag doll. He made no noise but Castiel could easily recognise by now when he was fighting back a scream.

He realised with great sorrow, that he was trying to make this whole thing easier for them.

Dean swallowed hard and looked away.

"He will be fine." He assured, but his voice betrayed what he really felt.

Patting Sam's arm, Dean took a step back and reached forward, grabbing at the collar of Castiel's trench coat.

Pulling him hard, he forced them both towards the door and slammed it closed behind them. His eyes squeezed shut as he used all of his strength to pull the rusting latch across.

He hated this.

Castiel narrowed his eyes, unsure why he had even allowed himself to be moved.

This really wasn't right.

As Dean headed to the stairs, Sam scream finally erupted and he paused in his movements, recoiling as his face contorted for just a second. Castiel turned to face the door, just about hearing Dean apologising under his breath before the man continued up the stairs.

"Where are you going?" The angel demanded, not even bothering to look back at him. His attention was entirely focused on trying to see through the door, despite knowing how impossible that actually was, even for him.

"To get one very large drink."

Castiel felt his temper reach boiling point. He knew Dean was probably finding the whole situation difficult, he knew he didn't want to see his brother in pain, but that didn't excuse his actions. As far as the angel was concerned it didn't matter how hard it was, he didn't get to put Sam through this and just walk away until it was over with.

Not again.

If he was doing this then he was damn well going to face up to it.

With determination Castiel headed to follow him, hell bent on dragging him back down the stairs to sit with Sam, kicking and screaming if he had to.

But Sam cried out again and Castiel stopped his movement.

Without thinking, he spun on his heels and practically tore the door of its hinges, if Dean couldn't stomach this, if he wanted to just block it out and leave Sam to suffer alone, then he lost the privilege of being the one to decide how this detox went down.

His hands were on the knots in seconds.

He had made a promise.

"Cas... what?" Sam muttered out, he still was purposely not looking at him, but he was lucid enough to realise exactly what the angel was doing. Castiel thanked the heavens for that at least.

"I'm not leaving you like this Sam." he stated simply pulling the rope lose, frowning when he noticed the imprints in the making on his skin. Sam must have been yanking his hands like crazy from the second they left to leave such indents so swiftly.

"I deserve it..." He mumbled, throwing his head to the side and trying to bite back the scream that erupted at the back of his throat. Everything ached, worse than anything he had ever felt before. Castiel reached out to touch his head to comfort him, but Sam shied away. "Don't touch me... My soul... no... I'm so disgusting... it's so... disg...please just leave me alone."

He tried to fight against it, hold back the whimpers, but pain shot through his body, so hot he thought he was being burnt alive. He fitted, his body raising off the bed, his limbs rigid, his free arm being thrown out and coming down on the metal bar, hard.

Castiel drew his lips together and attempted to not let a single emotion pass his face.

Sam had enough guilt without thinking he was effecting him in some way too.

"You are not disgusting Sam." He tried to reassure once the pain had settled down for a moment and Sam stilled, exhausted and almost falling completely out of it.

He didn't look like he believed him and Castiel almost wished he could pretend that was because he hadn't heard him.

"Dark... horrible... tainted." He replied, his eyes falling shut. Sweat was pouring down his face now and he bit down hard on his lip, trying to stop himself admitting another sound. He stopped short of splitting the skin again, he couldn't deal with that taste on top of everything else.

Castiel made his way over to the other side of the table and with a flick of his hand, the rope dropped to the floor, the human way of doing things just was not quick enough for his liking. He reached his arms around Sam's shoulders and helped him move into a sitting position.

"Sam look at me - you are not any of those things." Castiel said softly.

Sam refused his request, his eyes locked on the wall in front of him- If he didn't look, he couldn't see the disappointment, the hatred or anything else that may pass across the angel's face.

If he never looked at him again, he could keep his memory of him of when he looked at him with kindness, not with detestation, revolution or whatever else may lay upon it.

Castiel sighed and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into him as he sat down beside him.

If he wouldn't accept the words, he would make him understand with actions.

He held him like that for a moment until Sam began to fight. Begging him not to do this to him, to not pretend for his sake, when he knew the truth.

Castiel shook his head, he'd had enough of this.

Throwing his wings out behind him, he pulled Sam to his feet and all but forced him out of the room, one of Sam's arms draped around his shoulders. Sam tried struggling, tried to dig his heels into the ground, but he was in no position to fight. The second they were clear of the sigils, Castiel span them around to face each other. Placing a hand on Sam's chest as he swayed forward, his limbs unable to support himself.

"Sam look at me." He tried again, Sam simply closed his eyes, pressing the lids as tightly closed as he could get them.

He didn't have the energy left to even speak.

Castiel, exhaled hard in frustration and summoned his grace.

Within seconds he took off, carrying the younger Winchester as far away from that room as he could possibly get them.

They were going to get this blood out of his system and then they were going to have one seriously long overdue talk.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**(a/n) ****Im sorry *Hides behind a rock***

When Sam next became aware of his surroundings he found he was sat up slightly, a thick blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a solid presence behind him. As his senses really started to come back to him, he realised two strong arms were wrapped around his middle and he could just about make out additional legs either side of his own. It was dark out and he was half laying on what he presumed was grass, damp from the cold frosty night. In front of his eyes were the most gorgeous lights he had ever seen. They were these white swirled lines, like that a kid would draw with sparklers, littered across the sky. Green, purple and blue were also thrown into the mix, creating the warmest, most spectacular glow. The lights were almost dancing around him, bringing with them a pure sense of calmness and ease.

If the rest of his time in Bobby's panic room could be spent like this then he had little fear about not being able to cope with the come down and the hallucinations detoxing brought him.

He wasn't stupid though.

He knew this was the calm before the storm.

He looked up further, wanting to take as much of the sight in as possible, he strained his neck back - and came face to face with Castiel who was looking down on him.

It was at that moment he realised who all the extra limbs belonged to and he felt his cheeks turn crimson. He looked away quickly, the shame building again.

He had forgotten the angel had smuggled him out.

He heard Castiel sigh above him and felt him give his middle a gentle squeeze.

"You don't have to look at me Sam but I want you to listen." He said carefully. His voice was rough but not nearly as deep as Sam was used to, it held a level of uncertainty within it that he had never heard before. It was like he was mulling over his words carefully, trying to choose exactly the right one before he spoke. " And I want you to see what I see." He paused, moving his head so he was looking up too."The lights, they are quite something aren't they?"

Sam frowned, his eyes locked directly in front of him, watching the movement in wonder. Castiel had chosen the perfect spot, on a mountain edge somewhere, free from civilisation with a view of the show no matter where you looked. He just wanted to reach up and touch it and for a moment he imagined just what it would feel like to run his hands through if he did. Would he experience tingling sensations? Would it tickle? Would he even feel anything other than the burning pain inside of him?

"They're real?" He asked uncertain, clueless on what was reality and what was just something his own mind was conjuring up.

"Yes."

Sam's face crinkled and he reached his hand up, trying to touch all the different elements, he wasn't even close to reaching them, his fingers grasping desperately at the air. He felt Castiel shake underneath him, a small chuckle leaving his lips.

"They are not tangible Sam, any more than stars are."

Sam withdrew his hand with a frown, shaking his head as if to clear the fog from his mind.

" Where are we?" He asked, breathlessly. He shivered and Castiel pulled the blanket tighter around him.

"Finland." He replied simply.

"What?" Sam tried to sit up, tried to push himself away from the angel, but Castiel had much quicker reactions than him. He barely allowed him to move more than a few inches before he gently coaxed him still. The dizzy spell which hit the hunter seconds later soon explained why and Sam fell back against his chest, trying to fight of the feeling of nausea that erupted like larva from the pits of his stomach.

"Be still Sam, your body needs to conserve as much of its energy as it can." Castiel said sympathetically, his hands only loosening when he was sure Sam wasn't going to try any sudden movement again. He could still smell the vomit which had resulted from his last attempt on the rocks further down the hill. He had moved them away once he was sure Sam was done hours ago now. He didn't know much about caring for the sick, but even he was certain they did not need to get a whiff of their bodies insides upon waking.

"Why are we in Finland?" Sam questioned groggily, bringing his hands to his face and rubbing at his eyes. His stomach felt like it was swimming through the deepest parts of the Mediterranean ocean, banging into as many obstacles as possible in its mission to reach the surface.

"I wanted you to see this, the aurora borealis I believe humans call it. It is the most visible here at this time." He answered, shifting slightly so he could study the hunter's reaction. His eyes, while weak and tired, were glistening in appreciation to what he was seeing. A far contrast to pentagram fan which made up the panic room's roof.

"It's so beautiful."

"Yes."

Castiel was unsure if he was referring to the lights or not, but his attention had long since left them, his hands brushing at the flop of sweaty hair which was resting against him. Even in this state, Sam's soul hummed.

"Why are you doing this?" Sam asked, a frown on his face as his mind tried to come up with its own answer.

Even as he fought to stay conscious Castiel could see his eyes rolling slightly and felt himself deflate in response to this. He had hoped the lucidity would last longer, that Sam would be able to gather some strength prior to the next round hitting him. Before he could say anything further , he felt the pulsing starting back up inside the boy's cells and knew he was minutes away from losing him again.

He cursed the blood, there was so much he wanted to say to Sam and it never seemed to give him long enough with him to say it.

"Because Sam, you don't deserve to wake up and see a prison."

"But I do... I'm a monster... It's where I belong" He spoke quietly, so quietly that had Castiel not been an angel, he wasn't sure he would have been able to hear him. His eyes were downcast now, his mind, or whatever else he was currently seeing, drawing him into the darkest thoughts which plagued him. If Castiel thought shaking him would help, then he would have done just that. He wanted nothing more than him to snap out of that mindset.

For good.

"No you're not, you are many things Sam Winchester, but a monster is not one of them. You're so good, so exceptional so -"

"Oh God." Sam moaned, interrupting him, his face bunching up. Castiel didn't have to see his expression to recognise the distress which was there. He felt his own forehead crease and he squinted, trying to work out what had caused that reaction. The blood had not picked up its pace enough yet to cause any alteration in his pain levels.

"Sam?"

"You're not real, this isn't real."

He sounded completely heartbroken, like someone had wiped away all traces of happiness from his life. Castiel's stomach twisted painfully and he leant forward, resting his chin on the top of the hunter's head.

He vowed to not let another single day pass where he did not tell Sam how he truly saw him, so he would never doubt the words he was hearing again.

"I am, I promise you, I'm here with you Sam."

"N-o."

He could feel Sam's breathing getting deeper, his breathe starting to come out in short puffs, like he was struggling to get enough oxygen into his lungs. He shifted slightly again, pulling Sam up this time to allow for better airflow. Sam's hands started twitching, his eyes rolling, he coughed and foam seeped out of the side of his mouth.

"It will pass soon Sam." He all but whispered into his ear, his hand that lay across his left side, drawing tiny circles, as his right braced itself for holding him still. "And I'll still be here."

Sam gasped, his arms throwing themselves forwards, then back, to the sides, everywhere, like he was trying to fight something off. His back arched and Castiel allowed it to shift as far as normal moment would tolerate.

He wasn't there to restrain him, he was just the archer, stopping the demonic energy from throwing him off a cliff.

Those words were the last Sam could hear from the angel before his mind was filled with his father's laugh and he started painfully convulsing.

* * *

><p>When Sam next opened his eyes, his mother was there, the lights making her glow as she stepped towards him, holding her hand out to touch his face. She looked at him with such sincerity, such care as she ran her fingers down his cheek, mouthing 'my baby boy' under her breathe.<p>

He called out to her, asked her to hold him, to come back to him, as she took a step away, her hand falling limply at her side.

That was when her eyes hardened and he was met with the face of a hunter, rather than the care of a mother cradling her infant.

'Why did I save you?' she asked and Sam squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to hear it, not wanting to see the woman who had given her life for him sprout out the words he was becoming so accustomed to.

He was the mistake.

She may have saved him just a few years ago from a poltergeist but she should never have bothered.

If she knew what he was set to become she would never have wasted her ability to be corporal on a idler like him.

She should have just let him die.

The world would have been better off.

He was worthless.

He ruined Dean's life.

Took her caring John away from her.

Turned him bitter and hateful, then dared to drink from the very creatures that killed her.

Killed them both.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." He begged to her as she hissed at him, begged her to believe him, to listen for one second to his side of the story.

He had tried to be strong. Fought it as long as he could, he couldn't escape it though. He had tried, but he just couldn't.

And he was sorry, he was so so sorry.

He hadn't meant for it to end this way.

He attempted over and over to get her to listen, tried to struggle to his feet, not understanding why he couldn't move from the ground.

"Sam." Another voice said, but he didn't listen to it as he battled to try and get to her. He was desperate, he wanted to be free, to go to her.

He cried out in frustration. His mother was leaving again and he couldn't get his body to cooperate long enough to stop her.

She backed away, towards the edge of the mountain top, shaking her head at him in disgust.

She didn't want to be near him.

His shoulders shook.

His chest felt like an elephant had just stomped on it.

He had only ever wanted her love.

He tried to reach out, to grab at her, to pull her back, she was to close the rocks and if she didn't stop she would fall. He couldn't be responsible for her death twice.

She took a step further and he lunged forward.

"Sam!" The voice called out again and a small fraction of his brain told him it belonged to Castiel.

He barely acknowledged it, his attention focused on his mother.

"Sam." She said only seconds later, her blonde hair blowing in the breeze. She was still wearing the white night dress she died in, the blood there for all to see.

He tried not to focus on it.

Tried to shut the salivation at just the sight of it, down.

"She's not really there." Castiel struggled, tightening his grip with one hand, the other brushing the hair from Sam's forehead, trying to ground him in some way. He knew there wasn't much he could do, not while Sam's body detoxed, but he couldn't watch him suffer like this without at least trying something.

The demonic blood was making Sam strong, stronger than normal, but he was an angel and he was so thankful he still processed the strength to hold him back. His body determined to make him jump off the cliff rather than live without the thing it desired the most.

"Why would I forgive you for all you have done?" She continued, stopping short of that very last step as she watched him with not a trace of pity in her eyes.

" She's not real Sam."

The woman glared.

"Yes I am, you know I am."

"Sam focus on me." Castiel shook his shoulder, trying to divert his attention from the blank space he was so enthralled with, trying to break his eye contact with what his mind told him was there.

"I can't believe you're the child I gave birth to." Mary continued, her face falling as she placed her hand on her stomach, her eyes filled with sorrow and regret. "The life I could have lead if it wasn't for you."

"Whatever she is saying ignore it."

"My baby Sam, died the day i did."

"She's not there."

"Just 6 months old."

The voices continued, back and forth, back and forth, until they were speaking at the exact same time.

Sam squeezed his eyes shut. Throwing his hands over his ears as he gripped at his head, trying to block them out.

He couldn't process this.

Couldn't begin to understand them.

They said something else and he pressed harder, their words jumbling together and making little sense to his dehydrated brain. He didn't know who to focus on, who was really there and who was just a figment of his imagination.

A figment of his addiction.

"Sam, listen to me."

"I died because of you."

He tried to wrench himself free from the arms that held him, force himself away. He couldn't cope with this, couldn't , wouldn't, shouldn't, have to. He wanted to run, needed to get as far away from them both as he possibly could.

A little distance, a little distance was what he needed, his brain screamed at him, distance from them, from the lights, from the cold, from everything.

The arms wouldn't let go though, they were stronger than him and the failing demon blood didn't give him a chance of overpowering them.

His mum came forward, leaning into him, her face curled up as she grabbed at him, tried to pull him by the shirt away from the angel.

"Just do everyone a favour and end this now." She practically spat at him and he recoiled backwards and tried harder to escape, he struggled and hit out at the legs beside him, tried to hurl himself away.

The hold didn't loosen even a fraction but he just fought more.

"Your mother loved you, she wouldn't say anything to hurt you." Castiel tried, running out of ideas on what he could say to get through to him. "She's a hallucination Sam."

"He's a hallucination Sam."

Sam gripped at his head again, shaking it, side to side, tearing at the roots. His body was trembling now, he was just so confused, so out of it, so high. He needed it to end. He needed them both to end.

He struggled again, he screamed, he thrashed, he convulsed.

Castiel debated moving, laying Sam on the ground and pinning him there, waiting for him to fight it out until he collapsed from his own exhaustion.

"Sam PLEASE, hear me, that is not your mother." Castiel tried again, sounding more desperate than he ever had before. He didn't know what to do, how to help someone whose own mind was fighting against them.

"Don't listen to him Sam, as if an Angel would ever want anything to do with you." Mary persisted, her voice was level, free of any emotion.

Sam stopped struggling, his body sinking, he hung his head low, mumbling under his breath.

He was just so worn out, he didn't have the energy to try and make sense of what was going on any more.

On one hand he could feel Castiel, on the other he could see his mother. They both sounded real.

He rocked back and forth

If he couldn't rely on his own mind then what could he rely on?

"Sam..."

"Sam."

"Stop." He whimpered, burying his face in his hands, he just wanted everything to shut down, his sight, his hearing, everything. He'd take a black hole of nothingness over this.

He wanted his brother, the real Dean, he wanted to go back to before Jess died and pretend none of this had ever happened.

He felt an hand soothingly running up and down his arm and leant into it, begging it to stay with him.

His vision blurred and then he saw someone else emerging from the darkness.

He whimpered, trying to shut himself off from it all.

He couldn't deal with this, he just couldn't deal.

He prayed for Castiel, the real one, to come and save him, not understanding why the presence behind him, gathered him up more, apologising for being powerless to help him in response.

He yelled out in fear as a familiar face stepped into his vision and begged his mind to cut him off from all of this.

To just let him pass out until it was over.

* * *

><p>Mary was replaced with Dean, then himself as a kid, Lucifer, Michael, Castiel, Bobby, Jess the list went on and on. Throughout it Sam got more and more desperate, he went from angry to distressed, to hyperventilating, to unconscious before the cycle started up all over again.<p>

Castiel had never felt so helpless in his life. This wasn't like the nightmares, there was no escaping the images Sam's own mind created he realised in horror.

Sam had slipped under again just under an hour ago and had experienced three seizures in that time. Cas hated to admit it but he was getting seriously worried about what long term effects would come from all of this. A human body did not go through what Sam was and come out of it the other end completely unscathed.

_'If they came out of it at all.'_ A voice in his mind pointed out. He told it to shut up, that was not something that he was ever going to entertain the idea of.

Sam's head moved slowly to the side and the angel tilted his own to watch his eyes flutter open. He braced himself for whatever was about to come next.

Sam didn't do anything however. He just stared vacantly out in front of him, not saying or doing a thing. Castiel would have given the world at that moment to have him react to something in some way, just to show he was still there with him.

He didn't so much as blink, his eyes almost devoid of any signs of life.

* * *

><p>"You're still here?"<p>

Castiel's attention shot downwards as he heard Sam's voice. Daylight was breaking through the clouds by now and the lights that they had come to see were fading. It was the first time he had heard his voice in hours.

"Of course, I will not leave you." He stated, loosening his hold. Sam wasn't fighting him and he felt a flutter of hope.

"Hallucinations don't usually last." The hunter replied with a scoff, shaking his head but making no attempt to remove himself from the embrace.

"Well I will because I'm real."

"S'what they all say."

"But are they all still here?"

Sam paused, looking around the empty area in wonder, it was the first time in a while he hadn't seen another presence with him and it took him a moment to realise he really was alone aside from the angel, the one consistent in all of this.

"No."

"Then does that not that tell you all you need to know."

Sam was silent for a moment and Castiel began to wonder if he had been lost to his bodies fight once again. Then he groaned and muttered out one single word.

"Promise?"

Castiel frowned.

"Promise what Sam?"

"You won't leave me." He replied quietly, not wanting to hope that his friend really was there with him, but being unable to stop the little tingle at the back of his mind.

"At this stage, you couldn't get rid of me if you tried." Castiel responded with complete sincerity. He put his hand on Sam's forehead, wincing as he felt the heat radiating from it. He was really starting to burn up. With a grimace he forced his grace to the surface as a cold breeze. He needed to get that lowered and quickly.

He pulled the blanket of his shoulders with his free hand, keeping the other where it was and admitting as much grace as he could manage.

Sam hummed.

"Feels nice." He said softly, before drifting off again.

Castiel could only plead to the heavens to be allowed to keep this up for as long as Sam needed.

* * *

><p>As the sun reached its peak in the sky, Sam coughed, a deep body shuddering cough. His throat sounded horse, which was hardly surprising giving how much he had been screaming over the last 24 hours.<p>

"Hurts." He mumbled, twisting his head so his nose was pressed into Castiel's shirt.

Castiel gave him a sympathetic grimace, somewhat relieved he didn't seem to be denying his existence again. He rubbed his hand up and down his arm in comfort.

"I know."

Because really, what else was there to say.

His face contorted as he considered the other option. He tried to quash it, knew he shouldn't voice it but Sam's flinching soon left him with no other choice.

"I could... lessen it... but I don't think you will be too receptive to that idea." He relented, his face pained at just the proposal. Cold turkey was dangerous but giving Sam demon blood, even in small quantities, wasn't something that particularly appealed to him. He was seriously considering it though, if it helped him survive this, took the agony he was in away, then he would do it.

He would do anything for Sam.

Even if it went against everything he stood for.

"No." Sam replied, almost instantly. Even in his current state, he knew what the angel was implying. He had reluctantly considered it himself on a couple of occasions. He wouldn't do it though, he wanted it out of his system completely, not having more being pumped in.

He wouldn't give in, he wouldn't let his body think pain made him give in.

Castiel nodded, he wasn't surprised.

"Okay."

"Just like that?" Sam asked confused, if he had the energy, he would have raised an eyebrow. Things were never that straight forward for him.

"Of course, it's not my place to ever take consent away from you." Castiel replied softly, he wanted Sam's trust, needed it if he was to ever get him to understand how important he was to him. Tricking him or forcing blood into his system that he didn't want would put him about as far from that scenario as humanly possible.

Sam had so little control over many aspects of his life, he deserved at least one area where he was the driving force.

"Huh." Sam muttered, his expression tightening as another wave of pain hit him. He kept his face pressed into Castiel, his hand reaching up to grip at his coat. He didn't care if he was a hallucination or not, he was safe, familiar, comforting and he was going to cling to that with all his might.

His hands started to shake again, the tremors making their way slowly up his body.

Castiel tightened his grip once more, rubbing soft circles over his stomach as he held him as still as he could, knowing already what was coming next.

As anticipated, Sam's eyes rolled back and he was out of it yet again , his body fitting in the angel's arms.

* * *

><p>When he finally stopped shaking, he vomited, foam and blood pooling out of his mouth. Castiel recognised the signs, heard the valve in his stomach releasing the liquid before it emerged and quickly turned Sam's head to the side to stop him from choking. He thanked whatever uncorrupted force that was out there, that the hunter wasn't still tied on his back on that cot. Just the thought of him being completely alone as he drowned himself in his bodies own contents was enough to warrant bile rising in his own mouth.<p>

It didn't bear thinking about.

The black oozed down his jaws and over Castiel's trench coat as he coughed and coughed and coughed. The angel could do nothing but hold his head to the side, rub circles on his back as he tried to calm him in some way.

Reassure him that he was still there, that he wasn't on his own.

That he was keeping his promise.

Sam's stomach lurched a second, third and then a fourth time and his temperature skyrocketed. His shirt was cacked to his skin, covered in blood stains and whatever other liquids he managed to bring up. Castiel shook his trench coat of when he noticed it. It was now stained with the boy's insides anyway, a little more wouldn't make much difference. Carefully he wiped it down Sam's front, trying to get as much off of him as he could.

It would only distress him further if he could see it.

Sam's head fell forward and Castiel's manoeuvred him so it was leaning over his arm . If he was sick again at least it would hit the floor and not them.

He wiped the blood from his mouth and conjured a bottle of water, pulling it up to Sam's lips, he had tried to get him to drink a few times previously, but Sam was never in a condition to swallow. His body was beyond craving it now and the angel knew he had to get the fluid into him somehow.

Sam half heartedly pushed his arm away, his eyes not even opening.

Castiel was surprised to find he was even conscious.

"No." Sam mumbled shaking his head.

"It's just water Sam." Castiel said softly, trying to get him to drink it again. Sam shook his head more forcefully this time, his insides churning as he attempted to knock the bottle out of Castiel's hands. His eyes were slits now, but he could see it, he could smell it, the demon blood, swishing side to side in the small container. "I promise you Sam, it is water, I would never give you anything else."

Castiel brought the bottle closer, tipped some onto his hand as if to show him the clear liquid. Sam jolted away from it, his face creasing up.

Castiel sighed.

Then with determination he reached down and tilted Sam's chin so he was looking at him, locking his hand and refusing to let Sam look away. He lifted the bottle to his own lips and took a swig.

"See. Just water."

Sam crinkled his eyebrows as he watched Castiel down some of the red liquid. His mind swimming as he tried to comprehend what on earth he had just seen. He was fairly certain at this point that the angel was really there with him, that he wasn't a trick, but he could not understand why he would willingly drink some of that poison- it was everything he wasn't.

Castiel let go of Sam's face and put the bottle back in front of him.

"Trust me Sam. However confused you are, trust that I would not lie to you."

Sam looked conflicted, terrified even, his pulse was dangerously low and Castiel could hear it slowing down with each moment that passed. He pressed the bottle to Sam's lips again and was relieved when the younger Winchester parted them, allowing him to tip some of the water inside.

He was only going to give him a mouthful, worried what too much would do to Sam's over sensitive stomach when it was already so empty. Sam however had other ideas, the instant he swallowed, he raised his hand, wrapping it around Castiel's wrist and hungrily drinking the entire content.

Castiel hoped beyond anything else that he wasn't still thinking of it as blood.

* * *

><p>31...32...33<p>

Castiel pressed his index and middle finger harder into Sam's neck, praying he was just missing beats because of how weak they were. He had been sat monitoring Sam's pulse by hand for 43 minutes and with each new one that passed, one less beat joined the equation.

His temperature was over 105 degrees, far too high for a human being to sustain.

He could hear his kidney's shutting down, his lungs using less and less of the air space they were normally capable of.

28...29...30

Castiel slammed his spare hand to the ground, ignoring the crack that splinted along its surface. He had tried everything he knew off to try and help Sam, even the conventional pills the brother's often took when they were unwell, but nothing was affecting him.

He just got worse.

26...27...28

He laid him flat on the ground and sat hovering over him for a moment before placing his hands in the centre of his chest, willing him to keep on breathing.

He pulled at a memory of a show Dean was watching once, kept it at the forecourt of his mind as he tried to gauge the strength he would need.

24...25...26

He pressed down firmly on his chest with the palm of his hands and then let go sharply, before doing it again, counting each one out carefully in his head.

CPR they had called it, a way to pump the blood that Sam desperately needed around the body, to keep oxygen reaching his brain.

To keep him alive

20...21...22

"Come on Sam." Cas demanded, his actions getting more desperate as he willed him to fight, to not give up.

He would not have the boy find out first hand exactly what hell was like.

He could already see it, Sam's burning screams, Lucifer standing with a chain, keeping him down there until he said yes.

That thought alone made him press on with more resolve than ever before. He had to save him. He couldn't fail him now.

He would not let Sam suffer alone. Not ever.

3...4...5

He pressed and he pressed and he pressed... Until he no longer felt his heart beating off its own accord.

He froze, watching as Sam's breathing stopping completely, his liver giving out, his cell tissues slowly breaking apart.

"NO."

He slammed his fist down on to ground again, the surface beneath him shaking, the trees in the distance rattling.

His own breathing became erratic as he looked down at the still, unmoving, unresponsive form of his friend.

Pressure mounted at the back of his eyelids as he blinked, his chest tightening, a lump forming at the back of his throat.

His mind was screaming at him, telling him to do something, anything, Sam couldn't be lost. Not like this.

He carried on the resuscitation procedure, pressing down as hard as he could without breaking through Sam's rib cage, his grace burning through him.

He had to do it, he had to save him.

He leant forward, opening his mouth, pressing his own lips against Sam's and forcing as much air into his lungs as they could take.

Just as he had seen.

He bit at his lip as he pulled away, thumping down at a steady beat on Sam's chest.

He would do this for the rest of eternity if that was what it took.

Sam remained completely unresponsive.

Castiel could feel a reaper appearing beside him.

He fought on, he wouldn't let him go.

He couldn't let him go.

An unfamiliar hand touched his shoulder and his stomach lunged.

"Step aside Castiel."

* * *

><p>A few miles down the road, at a lodge overlooking a lake, the guests paused in their movements as the building shook around them.<p>

A distinctive 'Sam' echoing through the air.

A voice full of anguish.

Full of hopelessness

Full of despair.

Then there was a blinding light, a noise no one could comprehend and the sound of a body hitting the lake from a great height.

They shuddered, rushing out to see what on earth was going on.

They were greeted by nothing but silence.

Not a single disturbance left in the air.

**(A/n) *Pokes head out from the rock, bribes with cookies, hides again***


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

He could smell vomit, that was the first thing that Sam registered as he began to regain consciousness. There was also a rusty tinge to the air, like raw iron mixed with earth. His mouth watered and he knew in a heartbeat he was inhaling fresh blood.

For a moment that was all be managed to comprehend, his other senses completely void, shutdown as if they had never worked at all. He felt empty, lost, like he didn't belong anywhere on earth. He couldn't hear, he couldn't see, he couldn't feel. He wasn't even aware of where his own hands lay.

He felt terror ripple through him.

Where was he?

What on earth had happened?

He couldn't come up with an answer. His mind like a blank canvas someone had been holding a paintbrush to for hours.

He wasn't even sure if he was still breathing.

He wanted to gasp, to strike out, to fight, but it was like he was paralyzed, nothing responding to his commands despite how hard he screamed them.

His fingers would not move, his toes would not wriggle, he didn't even know where his knees began.

Were they below him? Above? Was he laying flat or strung of a ceiling?

He didn't know.

And it was petrifying.

Then slowly he realised his limbs were starting to ache.

They were numb at first, but then they throbbed, a terrible pulsing which made him wish he could go back to feeling nothing at all.

The more he focused on it, the worst it got until suddenly this burning pain just went travelling through every inch of him, bringing it all back to life in the worst possible way.

It wasn't a pain he was familiar with either- he had broken bones before, torn tendons, you name it, he'd done it - or had it done to him. This was different however, this was raw, almost settled into his very being. It didn't have an exact area it could be pinpointed to, it was just everywhere, engulfing his very soul.

And God it hurt.

He shifted, as if the action alone would push his pain threshold into overdrive.

It didn't work, did nothing to lessen the sting. It just caused his insides to seize, making him feel like he had just been stood at the bottom of a volcano as it erupted.

His body incinerated in one agonising blast.

He tried to let out a groan but he couldn't even part his lips. He swallowed hard in frustration but he instantly regretted it. For the second he did, the taste of bile residue hit the back of his throat along with the oh so familiar copper tang that his body desired more than anything.

His stomach churned.

His head, almost exploding from the built up pressure within it, all his senses coming back in one foul swoop.

He shivered and it was only then he registered how cold he was.

Except cold didn't even begin to describe the feeling - he was freezing, suffering from the kind of chill that travelled right down to your bones, lingering there, convincing you that warmth was just a distant memory and would forever remain that way.

His teeth chattered.

He was wet, he realised, his clothes sticking to his skin, causing him to tremor more.

He still couldn't hear a single sound, not even that of his own heart beating.

He felt panic seize him.

He wasn't in Bobby's house, he wasn't in Castiel's arms, so where was he?

Slowly, he forced his eyes open, blinking rapidly to clear his vision.

He felt roughness against his cheek and craned his neck, taking a look at the hard, soiled floor he lay against.

It was mud and stones.

He curled his fingers and felt the grass beneath them.

He blinked more, shaking his head as he put his arms out behind him and half pulled himself up to look around.

Confusion rippled through him as he took in the sight he thought his hallucinations had bestowed on him. The mountains, the drop, the sky- They were all still there. It hadn't just been a mirage after all.

But then, where was Castiel?

He sat up more, more frightened than he cared to admit.

His back cried out in protest, his muscles smouldering, tightening, begging him to stop.

He tried his best to ignore them.

He realised slowly that the weight across his stomach didn't shift and he turned his attention to it, his body sagging in relief when he caught sight of the arm draped across him and the angel it belonged to.

Coatless, but still very much there.

His relief was short lived when he realised Castiel wasn't moving, laying face down in the dirt.

Sitting up straighter he reached over and shook his shoulder.

"Cas?" He asked softly, his stomach filling with dread. The angel didn't respond and Sam shook harder, desperately looking around, trying to figure out if there was anyone around to help.

Who did you even go to when greeted with an unconscious angel?

He had a feeling the lord wasn't an option.

His chest clenched as he desperately tried to figure out what had happened. The last thing he remembered was... well he didn't even know the answer to that. He could picture Cas and lights and pain, but nothing specific, nothing that felt like a proper memory.

It was all just a blur.

His hands shook and he gripped at them, trying to steady them.

He felt the anxiety build with in him and tried to take deep calming breaths. This wasn't the time for that. He needed to get them out of there, preferable to somewhere warm and dry.

He could be weak later. He needed to act now.

His limbs screamed as he tried to move, the seizures having tightened every single muscle inside of him, rendering them that of an impromptu marathon runner, hours after he bowed out of his race.

He hissed and tried to ignore the protests.

Castiel was more important right now, no matter how drained he felt.

Looking up at the brightened sky, he realised with a start he had no idea how long they had even been there for.

If Dean even knew where he had gone, where to send the help too.

He winced and rolled Castiel over, shakily checking for a pulse and releasing a shuddering breath when he felt one.

At least he was alive.

But angels still didn't sleep.

So what on earth had put him in such a state?

"Cas?" He tried again, his voice hoarse and croaking. "Cas wake up?"

He didn't and Sam shivered more.

He saw the trench coat discarded to the side and quickly reached out to it, pulling it on, ignoring the smell.

It was easily too small for him, but it provided at least some protection, a chance to capture the smallest amount of warmth.

And he really needed warmth right now.

He glanced around, tearing at his brain to come up with a solution, his hand gripping onto Castiel's shoulder.

He was better than this, he had survived worse.

"Help!" He tried to shout out, but nothing above a squeak came out. He hit the floor in exasperation, his panic flaring up again.

'You're a hunter act like one.' He scolded himself, but his mind just wouldn't co operate. It had gone through far too much to function on an ordinary level, it was wanting to shut down, to switch off just as much as the rest of his body was.

He cleared his throat, as if it would somehow clear it too.

"Castiel? Can you hear me?" He tried again, nudging him gently, his head hanging in the air in defeat when the angel didn't move an inch.

'Think, think, think' He demanded, trying to force ideas to the forecourt of his mind.

None came.

He heard footsteps approaching to his left, up what he presumed was the side of the mountain and slowly pushed himself to his knees, desperately looking around for something he could use as a weapon.

He wasn't sure what to do, should he attempt to run? Should he start throwing stones?

Was there even anyone really there?

He froze, unsettled, his breath catching in his throat.

He'd seen so much that wasn't real over the last day or so, so how could he be sure any of this was actually happening now?

He sucked in as much air as his lungs would allow, his eyes widening.

He looked down at the angel, wondering if he was clutching some sort of scarecrow and his brain was just refusing to let him see it.

He swallowed hard.

Now was not the time for such doubts.

"Hei!" He heard someone call out and he trailed his eyes over to the general direction it had come from, a vacant stare drawing upon them.

He wiped at his mouth, his mind screaming at him to act, to come to a decision.

Any decision.

Was someone there or not?

"Hello?" He attempted with a struggle, his vocal cords straining under the pressure he put them under.

He rubbed his hands together, trying to create sort of sensation.

He barely felt a thing, his nerve endings just not functioning the way they were supposed to. Either that or his brain just wasn't receiving the signals they were giving out.

He wondered briefly if the blood binge had ended up damaging him beyond repair.

He locked his jaw as the footsteps got closer and tried frantically to work out how many footfalls were taking place.

Five? Six?

Did that make it more than one human or some sort of deformed werewolf?

He backed away, his hand reaching for Castiel as if to pull him with him.

What if it was demons sent to hurl him back onto the dark path they all wanted for him? Or vampires determined to make him one of their own? He was after all, already half way there.

Rough voices filled the air and his breathing escalated.

He didn't have a clue what the correct answer to any of this was.

'' Is this real or not?' His mind screamed at him, begged at him to respond.

He was a hunter, he was trained for this.

He should have been able to work it out!

He watched as three head's appeared at grass level, slowly raising as the bodies they were attached to climbed with them. They looked like trekkers, all kitted out in thick coats, boots and backpacks.

Was that something that would be normal here?

He swallowed again, his eyes dilating.

Was it a trick?

Were they really there?

Was he even really there?

" Mitä teet täällä valmistautumaton." One of the men spoke, pulling himself up onto the flat with his hiking stick.

Sam pulled a face, searching his brain for any sort of translation. Castiel had said they were where again? He couldn't remember and he sure as hell didn't have a clue what the newcomer had just asked. If he had asked anything at all.

He wondered if that was a sign, if he didn't know a language he couldn't hallucinate the words surely.

He felt something drip down his face and slowly reached up to wipe it away.

He held his hand in front of him when he was done, staring at the liquid hungrily as his mind registered what it was.

He gawped at it, barely paying the men any sort of attention now.

His eyes were fixated.

He inhaled the scent, bring it up to his lips.

Then his stomach heaved and he quickly threw his arm to his side, bringing his other hand up to cover his mouth.

He didn't want that, not again, not ever again.

The men frowned and exchanged glances, worry for his state of mind truly settling in.

Sam shivered more, eyes widening again as he realised just how stained his clothes were. If these people really were there then they were bound to think he had just been on a killing spree.

He was going to get thrown in a cell, ripped away from Castiel and having no means of ever contacting him again.

He looked back at them in a panic, wondering if he needed to defend himself.

To try and come off like he was in control of his own mentality and not a psychiatric patient on the loose.

He didn't want to get locked away.

Not again, not when he had just escaped the panic room.

They said something else and he closed his eyes.

He didn't know the language, he didn't know them- so they had to be real, they just had to be.

Right?

He hoped more than anything that was true.

They took an attentive step towards him and he backed off again, his back hitting something solid behind him.

He span around and glanced up, realising for the first time that Castiel had brought them to a ledge rather than the tipping point and that the mountain continued upwards.

He looked back towards them and tried to at least appear to calm himself down.

He had to pretend they were real, he told himself, just incase they really were.

Slowly he pointed.

"We fell!" He said. He dropped his hand, then pointed up again and dropped it back down, gesturing to himself and then to Castiel.

" Sinä putosi ? Sinä putosi alkaen kalliolta?" The man asked, looking upwards. Sam took a shot and nodded, putting on what Dean would call his best puppy dog look. If he looked harmless maybe they wouldn't think of them as murders.

Wouldn't feel the need to call the police.

He was just a little spaced out from the high altitude sickness. That was all.

He tried his best for that to come across in his expression.

"Can you help us?" He said carefully, placing a hand on Castiel and trying to convey his worry.

He prayed with every fibre of his being that he was doing the right thing, that he wasn't staring into the hungry eyes of wolves or something equally dangerous.

He cursed at his brain, of all the times for it to fail him, it had to be now.

When Castiel needed him the most.

" Te kaksi saadapieni , otamme ne takaisin alas." The man said to his two comrades and the boys nodded, stepping towards the angel. When they reached him they leant down to lift him, only for Sam to hold his hand out, unsure of their intentions.

He couldn't let any harm come to his friend because his brain was too fried to work out if they were holding knives.

"Christo." He mumbled under his breath, his eyes darting between the three of them, trying to pick up on any signs of flinching, any blackness, any... anything.

He dropped his hand reluctantly when he saw nothing.

"I'm Emmet. We, help, you." One of them spoke brokenly, nodding in reassurance and placing his hand across his chest, as if trying to convey his sincerity.

"Sam." The hunter replied hesitantly, slowly getting to his feet as they examined Castiel.

His legs burned and he almost fell forward but he caught himself just in time, refusing to show weakness in front of what could be the enemy. He watched the duo suspiciously, trying to keep an eye out for any claws miraculously appearing.

It didn't hurt to be overly cautious.

Bobby had taught him that.

The men started checking Castiel's neck, running their hands down his back, possibly searching for lumps, bumps or open lacerations. Sam didn't know and he didn't think to ask.

Seemingly satisfied with whatever they didn't find, they slowly lifted him up, hanging his arms over their shoulders.

He was too big of a guy for them to actually carry.

"We have lodge, down there." The man continued as they started to walk forward, gesturing for Sam to follow them.

Sam nodded to show his understanding and trailed unsteadily after them, trying to ignore the pain that was shooting through his bones. They still weren't happy with his movements, to strained and lacking any sort of energy source to do what was required of them.

He willed them to just last a little bit longer.

Just until he could be sure Cas was safe.

" Emmet, Kysy häneltä , jos oli joku muu heidän kanssaan?" One of the men who was carrying Castiel spoke to the one who had introduced himself, who nodded and turned his head back to Sam.

"Did you have a second friend?" He asked, pointing over the ledge they were walking away from.

Sam creased his forehead and frowned.

"No? No it was just us."

At least he was pretty sure it was just them anyway.

Dean definitely hadn't been there and he doubted Castiel would have brought anyone else along.

The English speaker seemingly translated this back to the others who started a discussion Sam didn't even try to follow. He hugged his arms around his middle instead, grateful, when the leader put his own arm out to help him in their descent.

The touch to his elbow seemed to clear his mind slightly and he found his concern wavering.

Hallucinations didn't tend to have the ability to actually support your weight.

And monster's sure as hell didn't want to help you.

His body shivered violently as he walked on, a dizzy spell hitting him full force.

Vertical stance defiantly wasn't his friend anymore, he decided.

Still he refused to give in to it, his eyes locked on Castiel's lip form.

He had to stay awake.

For him.

No matter what the consequences were.

**(a/n) okay so way less words, but yeah Sam's not dead :D - now the question is... how and what's wrong with cas?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter**** 13**

The walk down the mountain side was nothing but a haze for Sam.

Time seemed to stop, he couldn't focus on seconds, let alone minutes or hours.

He could see the green grass, the muddy slopes, the rocks and stones, but his mind wouldn't pick out any of the smaller details. He couldn't tell how far away things were, nothing got closer or got left in the distance- it was just the same unchanging image in front of his eyes.

Blurry and swaying, like he had just been on a bender.

His feet were moving, he knew that, he could see his shoes going backwards and forwards, the left than the right, but he had no awareness of actually taking those steps himself.

It was a bizarre thing to realise.

It was like he was on auto-pilot, his brain taking over because his mind just couldn't cope.

If it had been anyone else, they would have surely passed out by now, but Sam's body was conditioned long ago to have to work through pain. That was his habit, so it adapted to it, learnt how to deal when he couldn't. It had to keep going, keep walking, until he deemed it safe enough to not. There wasn't any other option. That was just how it was.

The next thing Sam really knew was he was sitting in the backseats of a jeep. The leader, Gideon he had learnt, stepping out of his line of sight and into the blackened fog which seemed to be engulfing his vision.

He shook his head and blinked rapidly, trying to shake off the darkness and catch up with what his eyes were seeing.

He was in a car? How? He didn't even remember sitting down.

One minute he was walking in a mist, the next he was just sort of ... there.

He brushed his sticky hair from his face and clenched his jaw, trying to regain his sense of self. To force his mind to re focus on the here and now.

Emmet and the other man, Abdon, appeared before he could work anything out, manoeuvring Castiel inside too, so he was seated beside him.

Sam reached out to touch him almost immediately, wanting to make sure he was really there.

He was almost certain he hadn't shown any signs of waking in their descent and his worry for him deepened.

Something wasn't right.

An angel didn't lose consciousness for no reason.

"Juoma!" Gideon called out from behind him and Sam felt a tap of something cold and round on his shoulder. His body froze in response and he desperately shot around to try and face it, his eyes wild. His fist came up to defend himself almost instantly.

It wasn't his weapon of choice but all his blades had been left at Bobby's.

He wasn't sure what he expected to see when he completed his turn but there was no way a changeling was going to be snacking on him today. He might have been on the verge of hypothermia but he could still fight and he would fight to the death for him and his friend.

He went to swing his fist, to push the lips off of him before they managed to attach themselves, but paused when instead of skin, he was greeted by a piece of plastic. He held his hand in the air for a moment, looking at the object suspiciously before his attention diverted to the arm holding it out in offering.

He had suspected the man would be perched on the back seats in striking position and frowned when he realised that was not the case. It took him far longer than he was proud of to work out that Gideon was just leaning through the boot of the vehicle and that his eyes, certainly weren't hollow or vacant of any signs of humanity.

He swallowed.

He could see the three men exchange worried glances and ducked his head.

Sheepishly, he grasped hold of the container, trying to avoid looking at their faces.

His sanity plan really was not going very well.

He cleared his throat with a cough.

"Thank you." He said, but he wasn't sure if it was heard.

He held the bottle still for a second or two, just staring down at the label. His mind flashed to Castiel trying to get him to drink something similar hours (or was it days?) earlier. The more he thought about it, the more the scene came back to him.

He remembered being offered the water and thinking it was blood and trying to bat it away. He remembered Castiel swearing it wasn't. He remembered doubting him, refusing to drink it and being determined not to make the same mistake again.

That was until the angel asked for Sam to trust him and he had done so without hesitation. For how could he not trust the one person who choose to stay through his detox? That spent nights calming him down from nightmares, helping distract him with silly little things like looking up model aeroplanes on the internet?

That was a friend to him even when he didn't deserve one?

He had earnt that absolute trust and even in his blood induced haze, Sam had little doubt about that.

Tearing at the label, he looked over to Castiel and smiled slightly, hoping the angel knew he was there for him as he had always been in return. That he wasn't leaving him alone, even if he was one day an ass who tried to push him away.

He stopped his assault on the paper and reached over, brushing his hand down the side of Castiel's face until it fell to his neck. Once there he gave it a gentle squeeze and patted it twice.

"Come back to me Cas." He whispered, shaking his head and leaning back into the seat, exhaustion and coldness taking it's hold.

His throat burned, reminding him of his thirst and he reluctantly unscrewed the lid, gulping the water down before he could even register the voice telling him not to trust his own eyes, that the liquid was compromised in some way.

He sighed in frustration and shivered, wondering when everything would stop being so complicated - When his mind would stop jumping to all the wrong conclusions.

He hated that he couldn't rely on it.

That he was constantly questioning it.

The engine roared to life and he soon found Emmett sat beside him, slamming the passenger door shut as the other two buckled up in front.

He jumped, startled and tried not to think about how unaware he was of what was going on around him. Observation was the key to survival, his father had taught him that from the very beginning, yet here he was, in a car with strangers, completely oblivious to their actions. If he was asked later to describe them, he wasn't even sure he'd be able to.

He laughed to himself upon this realisation.

If only John could see him now, he'd be horrified.

He wondered which he would prefer, an addict son who was in love with an angel, or one ruling hell and bringing on the apocalypse? Neither seemed like they would particularly be on his Christmas wish list.

"Take your shirt and jacket off." Emmett spoke, snapping Sam out of his thoughts.

He turned to look at him slowly, the biggest bitch face in place as he narrowed his eyes into slits. It was only then he registered how big the guy was, certainly not taller than him, but definitely wider, with muscles that a wrestler would be proud of.

He could already hear his father's 'I told you so's.

It was like he was sat right next to him, yelling over his shoulder.

_"How on earth did you miss the fact they were human psychopaths?"_

He could feel the spit hitting his skin but refused to turn around. He couldn't give in to it now, he had to find a way to get them out of there. To get Castiel to safety.

He must have stared for too long as the man raised his eyebrows, bringing his hand up and over towards Sam.

The hunter braced himself as he felt a weight on his lap and prepared his limbs to strike.

That was until his eyes glanced down of their own accord.

And he paused.

A thick blanket had appeared where the weight of a hand should have been and his mouth soon dropped open in understanding, a silent 'oh' leaving his lips.

The man snorted and moved his head to look out the window.

"Turisteja." He said and Sam could practically feel the eye roll. The pronunciation left him in little doubt of what the translation was:

_'Tourists.'_

He cringed as he dropped the bottle and went for the buttons of his shirt. He really needed to find a gesture which would universally translate to : "I'm not usually this stupid."

Preferably before they stopped outside the asylum.

Once the blanket was safely around both his and Castiel's shoulders, Sam leant his head back against the headrest for the briefest of seconds, the scenery warping around him, shadows dancing in the corner of his eyes.

It was the last thing he remembered before he was shook awake outside a rustic looking building, Castiel, having already been pulled from the car.

* * *

><p>Sitting at the base of the king sized bed, in a white winter jumper and grey sweat pants, Sam towel dried his hair, leaving the material wrapped around his shoulders when he deemed the worst of the wet gone. He had thankfully managed to convince the men that neither of them were seriously hurt and that Castiel was only unconscious due to exhaustion.<p>

A few cuts and bruises but they didn't need an ambulance.

They had been reluctant to agree, to focused on the blood on his shirt and the traces still left on his face, to take him seriously. He had ended up spinning out some cock and bull story about one hell of a nose bleed and being really bad at hunting rabbits.

Fortunately the communication issue went in their favour and the Finnish natives let the matter drop.

A search of his pockets had revealed Sam still had his credit cards on him so he was able to pay for a room for a few days.

The people at the lodge had been lovely, insisting that they could rest there and worry about the cash later, but Sam had insisted on paying upfront.

He was pretty sure Dean would be tracing his cards by now and if Castiel couldn't fly them back, then he needed to be able to find them.

Gideon and Emmett had brought Castiel to their room as soon as that was settled, while Abdon went off in search of some spare clothes for them.

"Go shower, we will settle him." Emmet had said the moment they entered the room.

Sam had flat out refused. They meant well but there was no way he was leaving the angel's side.

Even if it was just to an adjoining bathroom.

He wouldn't even contemplate it.

What would Castiel think if he woke and he was alone?

He couldn't do that to him.

He had to prove he could be relied upon, that he was worth everything Castiel was doing for him.

"I doubt he want to wake, to see you covered in blood." The man had continued, his eyebrows and forehead wiggling at the end. He had his arms folded across his large chest, a smugness held in his expression. He knew he'd said the right thing, the second Sam's face fell.

He had put his shirt back on when they had left the car, the blast of the heaters having dried it mostly. Looking down at himself now, he winced. It was everywhere and you could see from the colour it wasn't just normal blood either - at least, he could.

Which meant he was pretty sure Castiel would be able to tell too.

He swallowed hard, weighing up his options.

Did he really want Cas to be reminded of his weakness?

For it to be the first thing that greeted him?

He shook his head, looking at the men still supporting the angel, uneasily. They had given him no reason to not trust them and from what he could tell they really were just normal humans. Men, whose job was to look after the visitors in the area and that was all they were trying to do.

Slowly he went to move towards the bathroom.

Emmett smirked more in victory.

"I'll be quick- don't leave him." Sam had said hurriedly, grabbing the clothes that Abdon held out to him from the doorway. He doubted anything would fit him, but it seemed rude to refuse them.

He flashed him a smile to show his gratitude but paused as he went to open the bathroom door, turning back to look at the angel.

He deserved better.

Better than waking up with strangers with no clue as to where he had gone.

Sam panicked.

What if he thought he had given in and gone for blood?

Or worse.

Emmett rolled his eyes.

"Go, shower is not loud, you hear if anything happens to him!" He had urged and Sam reluctantly headed inside, vowing to take the fastest one of his life. He'd get clean and be back at Castiel's side before the men even had a chance to think about harming him.

Not that he thought they would, but could he really take that chance?

" Nuori rakkaus." Gideon said with a laugh, earning himself a nudge in the stomach from his friend.

_Young love indeed._

* * *

><p>Once he was certain his hair was dry enough not to soak the bed, Sam turned his attention to Castiel, not knowing what the hell to do.<p>

The Finnish blokes had apparently decided to undress the angel while he showered, so he lay in nothing but his (thankfully long) boxer shorts. He could see the logic in it, he was soaked and covered in Sam's blood too. The only way to not get the white bedding ruined was to remove the soiled clothing.

Still it didn't make things any easier.

He was pretty confident the angel didn't even register nudity, but at the same time he didn't want to just leave him laid like that, just encase he did.

He glanced to the spare clothing, wondering if he should dress him. It wouldn't be that hard of a task and Sam felt at least steady enough to be able to handle trying.

He contemplated the matter for about a minute before realising just how awkward it would be if he was to wake up during any part of the process.

That quickly wiped the idea away and he slowly made his way to the other side of the bed instead.

The warmth of the water had helped, but he was still cold and his body ached like hell. What's More, he was shattered, he felt like he'd been battling with every demon spawn that had escaped from the devils gate all at once.

He sunk onto the mattress beside Castiel, propping his pillows up behind him. He saw shadows moving from the corner of his eye and turned away, determined not to focus on them.

It wasn't real, just his mind trying to process everything that had happened to him.

He had to tell himself that a few times before he could believe it.

The images had steadied while he was in transit, distracted by other people. But now they were gone and he was left with nothing but his own mind for company.

And it was having fine fun.

He reached out, holding a hand under Castiel's cheek. Begging him to wake. So he wasn't alone.

He didn't so much as stir and Sam sighed, wishing he knew what the hell to do.

His stomach grumbled and he slumped back in defeat.. He didn't even know when the last time he ate something was. It had to be more than a couple of days ago as he hadn't eaten before his blood binge either, concentrating too hard on not giving in to even think about food.

Turning his head to the side, his eyes widened at the sight of a few protein bars the hikers had clearly left for them.

He really had to find a way to thank them properly, he thought as he reached out and clawed his way through the wrapper. He devoured most of the first one in one bite.

His stomach begged him for more and he happily obliged. It was only when he was halfway through his third, did he pause. His hand hovering in midair as he stared at the treat in horror, almost vomiting on the spot.

Instead of the cereal based treat he had seen only moments ago, there was maggots and worms and little creatures jumping about.

He hurled it across the room, gagging as he felt the stuff crawling down his throat.

He put his head in his hands, griping at the sides as he tried to convince himself that it was a trick, that he had eaten real food and what he saw was just another hallucination, the last of the blood kicking up some sort of fuss.

He almost willed the fog to come back- because that was so much easier to deal with than this.

When he felt a little bit more in control he raised his head again.

Almost instantly the shadows at the corner of his eyes were back. They darted and clawed and reached for him.

He tried to ignore them, focusing on pulling the blankets over Castiel, then on tucking him in, then on climbing under the sheets himself.

He ignored them all, until the one he didn't.

His eyes darted to his right, towards the doorway, following the path it had made. He wasn't surprised to see nothing was there but he slowly trailed his eyes across the rest of room anyway, just to be sure.

It was empty too, just the wooden furniture that filled the space. The draws, the desk, the bed, the cabinets, all completely free of any kind of threat.

He relaxed.

Then something moved by Castiel's side and his attention darted to the window.

Part of his brain was telling him that it wasn't real, the other part was saying something was clearly there.

He focused on the image more.

That was when he started to realise he could hear it too, the hissing, the slivering, the carpet moving apart and bubbling under its surface.

He laid down flat on his side, shuffling closer to the angel, resting his forehead against his shoulder as he curled himself in.

He felt about ten again, but he didn't care. Too lost to his own mind's delusions to be capable of rational thought.

When he had first awoken, he had been afraid that all he could do was smell. Now though he wanted nothing more than to shut his other sense back down again. To switch of his vision and the pain and everything else, so he could just concentrate on Castiel and his smell, the one thing he could rely upon.

Castiel was real, he tried to tell himself, the snake slithering along the top of the blankets wasn't.

He heard a menacing laugh from the corner and breathed deeper, his hand gripping around Castiel's arm.

He knew what would be there without even having to peek.

The orange afro hair, the red nose, the white painted face.

He swallowed hard and begged, begged Castiel to wake up and help him find a way back to reality.

* * *

><p>It was hours later by the time Sam stopped hearing or feeling things and he finally managed to convince himself to emerge from the blankets, not trusting his mind not to start up again, but needing to move all the same - to check what was going on.<p>

He needed to be sure the clown really was gone, that he wasn't lulling him into a false sense of security before he pounced.

He only just managed one a full scope of the room when he felt a body shift beside him.

Sam's attention darted to him, forcing himself up right and placing his hand on his shoulder again, shaking it.

"Cas can you hear me?" He asked, his breath hitched as he waited for a response. He prayed that what he saw wasn't just another mirage.

He couldn't cope if his mind started affecting the angel too.

Castiel shifted again, his fingers curling around the bed sheets. Then in a blink of an eye, his eyes snapped open and he bolted up right. He all but charged of the bed and fought religiously against the covers. His angel blade was out in seconds, his hand spinning it into a striking position.

That was not the ground he had become accustomed too.

The one he had passed out against next to Sam.

"Woah easy, it's alright." Sam said reassuringly, holding his hands up in placation, his own problems quickly forgotten.

Castiel's attention turned to him instantly and for the briefest of moments he paused, the blade and his whole posture still ready to fight. He looked dangerous, like the soldier he had been born to be. Then his face broke out into a surprised smile and his whole position changed.

Gone was the warrior, the man who could tear someone apart in one move, in his place was the side of the angel Sam had come to know.

The one he was privileged to see.

He looked relieved as he took in the sight of the man on the bed.

"Sam!"

Before Sam could register what was happening, he was pulled into a bone crushing hug.

Slightly startled by the gesture, he didn't return it instantly, confused as to what had brought on such an action. Castiel wasn't ever one to act on impulse.

When he didn't let go, Sam slowly brought his arms up and returned the embrace, causing Castiel to close his eyes and hold on tighter.

He'd never been so afraid for another person before, never felt such emotions inside of him at the prospect of loss. The last image in his mind was of Sam's cold, dying body and an unbeating heart.

Pressed up against him now, he could feel it, pumping his blood like there had never been a problem in the first place. It made him never want to pull away, never want to let him go. Human lives were so fragile, all dependent on something as simple as a beating organ. How could be pull himself away that, from the reassurance that he really was okay?

Sam patted Castiel's back a couple of times, his brow creasing in uncertainty before he broke them apart.

_What the hell had happened ?_

He asked as much as Castiel reluctantly dropped his hold. The angel expression was unreadable as he studied him carefully. Eventually he glanced down at himself, registering why the hug felt so different. Skin contact was weird.

He didn't say anything however and Sam felt the hair on the back of his neck stick up on end.

"Cas?" He prompted, his voice was cautious this time, worry seeping into his gut.

The angel turned his attention back to him and sat down on the edge of the mattress. He had never denied him anything before and he certainly wasn't going to deny him an explanation now.

Still it didn't make it easier to say.

"You died." He replied carefully, quietly, his eyes falling. They instantly hardened as he came to remember it and closed as he tried to block the recurring images out.

That was not something he ever wished to see again.

Ever wished to experience again.

"What? Then how am I here?" Sam questioned, his confusion tripling. Castiel had said it could take months to find his soul again, did that mean he had been gone all that time? Was his disorientation down to hell memories? Where even were the hell memories? The hallucinations were bad, but he didn't think they were anywhere near as bad as they should have been if he took a trip down there. He had seen the haunted look in Dean's eyes first hand, surely that meant he should have been suffering way more than he was now. "How long was I down...?" he trailed off, his eyes widening as he tried desperately to access memories that weren't there to begin with.

Castiel seemed to pick up on Sam's distress and tilted his head to the side, it took him a bit longer to work out what was the cause but as soon as he did, he reached out, placing his hand on Sam's arm.

"You were not in hell Sam, I would never let you end up there." He reassured and Sam's eyes snapped to his own, his body relaxing slightly but the confusion still holding strong. "I used my grace to bring you back."

Sam did a double take.

"I thought you couldn't heal?" he asked warily, wondering just what the cost of doing something so impossible was.

"I cant... I shouldn't have been able to, but you were dead Sam, dead and I needed to bring you back. Rest assured, you will never experience hell so long as I have the power to stop it." He spoke with such fierce determination that Sam was left with little doubt that that was indeed true. "I pushed, with everything I had and it saved you but i-"

"Used all your strength to do it." Sam finished, realisation drawing on him. Of course, what else would cause an angel to lose consciousness like that?

"Yes."

"Oh God Cas I'm-"

"Do not apologise to me Sam, that was my decision to make and I have no regrets."

"But where does that leave you? Are you human now? Do you need to eat, or drink, I can get you..." He trailed of as Cas held a hand up, pausing in his actions to scramble for some of the energy bars to pass to him, watching him with concern, waiting for his next instruction.

"I do not require anything right now, sleep was enough, I will let you know if that changes." Castiel replied, smiling in fondness at Sam's desire to help. He really struggled to understand how anyone could ever think of the man as malicious. " As for being human, I don't... know, I feel weak, my vision and hearing are all different, but I can still feel... something. Perhaps I just need time."

Sam nodded and dropped his hand back onto the bed, leaning back against the pillows, staring at the soft touch Castiel still held on his own. He didn't like the thought of him giving up so much just to save him, but he couldn't be mad at him for it either. He didn't want to imagine himself in hell any more than Castiel did. Just the thought of being trapped down there terrified him to the bones.

"I don't know how to thank you." He admitted, shaking his head. He didn't deserve someone risking themselves in such a way for him. He didn't have a clue how he could ever repay him for an act so selfless.

"You don't need to."  
>"Of course I do! Cas you- you lost, you-." He cut himself of, not knowing what to say. How to put into words just what he had done for him and how much it meant to him. He had pretty much used the last of his grace to save someone he had once considered nothing but vermin. You didn't get more special than that.<p>

"- Would do it over and over again." Castiel finished for him, his eyes conveying his sincerity.

"Why? Why after everything I've done would you want to spare me? You should hate me!" Sam questioned, his chest falling. "I drank blood, again."

"I don't care. I could never feel hatred towards you. You are important to me Sam, more so than you realise." Castiel confessed. He held Sam's gaze for a moment before turning away and looking towards the window. He studied what he could see of the mountain he had taken them too carefully and soon got to his feet to take a closer look at it, placing his hands against the glass.

It was strange, seeing it from human eyes rather than his own.

Sam looked stunned, his breath caught in his throat. Then he broke out into a smile, a warmth spreading out across his chest, warming him in a way heat could never manage.

"You're important to me too." He said quietly and he could just about see Castiel with the same expression on his face in the reflection.

That only caused him to smile more.

He didn't know what else to say, so instead he got up and joined Castiel by the window. Trying not to wince as he straightened his back. Keeping it still for so long had not been a good idea.

There were people down at the lake he realised as he glanced down. They were out on a boat, searching the waters with nothing but curiosity in place.

That's when he remembered the reason the hikers had given for being up the mountain in the first place.

"So what about the splash, was that you?" He asked after a brief moment of silence, his eyes locked on the people below.

"What splash?"Castiel asked apprehensively, his eyes narrowing as he turned to face the hunter.

"Something hit the lake. Three Finnish men went up the mountain to try and investigate it, only they came across us and brought us down instead of continuing on to the top to find out what it was." He explained and the oddest expression immediately appeared on the angel's face.

Sam's own eyes narrowed as he regarded him with suspicion. That was no longer the look of someone who didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

"What did you do?"

"Urrrrr." Castiel replied sheepish, purposely looking away.

"Cas?" Sam probed further, drawing out his name a little. If he wasn't curious before, that reaction alone was enough to spark his interests to their absolute limit.

"There may have been an incident with a reaper." He admitted, looking back to Sam and drawing his hands to his side.

"An incident?" Sam repeated, raising his eyebrows and waiting for him to elaborate further.

"Yes. She came to collect your soul."

"And?"

"And I may have... angrily... removed her from the scene." Castiel continued, choosing his wording extremely carefully.

Sam almost snorted.

"And how exactly did you do that?" He asked with a deadpan expression, trying to fight off his amusement. He had seen an angry Castiel plenty of times before and could only imagine what creative way he had chosen to get rid of someone who was annoying him.

"Well." He replied and Sam raised both his eyebrows. "I may have pushed her, of the cliff, with my foot..." He paused, considering things for a moment longer, then with a completely straight face added. " She was really not expecting that."

Sam couldn't hold back the laugh which followed and Castiel smiled, he would never get bored of hearing that sound.

"Are we going to have an angry reaper on our hands?" The hunter asked, once he managed to compose himself a little.

Castiel stayed quiet for a moment, seemingly considering this, it honestly wasn't something he had thought about until Sam brought it up.

"No, I don't believe so." He replied, then tilted his head thinking about the point further. "Though, perhaps we should all be extra careful about staying alive for the time being."

Sam broke out into another laugh and Castiel grinned.

He liked amusing him, he decided.

He reached out with his hand, to brush the hair that had fallen into Sam's face away, but stopped short of touching him as his eyes picked up the colouring of his skin.

He turned his palm around so he could see it properly, recognizing for the first time that they still held traces of dried blood. He grimaced, willing his skin to clean itself and frowned when he realised he didn't have the grace to do that anymore.

He rubbed his hands together, as if the friction would cause it to vanish.

Sam seemed to realise the problem at the same time as him and quickly reached out.

"Come on, I'll show you how to work the shower."

(**a/n) Sorry it took so long, my computer deleted my document and i spent a few days sulking. Nothing is ever as good as the first time you wrote it out. Can't believe this was meant to be a quick 2000 word fic and now its hit over 50,000 - HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing means alot 3**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

He wasn't really sure how it happened. One minute he was reaching out to adjust the dial on the shower while Castiel was looking through the stack of clothing he had given him, the next he was turning around to witness a pair of boxer shorts falling to the floor.

If it had been anyone else, Sam might have laughed the whole spectacle off, thrown a towel at them - basically reacted in some other way other than just gawping. But it was _Cas_ and he was suddenly _naked_, not four feet away from him.

He was not proud to admit that his eyes were practically glued to the sight, taking in every detail they possibly could.

It was only when Castiel bent over to pick up the white material, did Sam's mind finally catch up with him. Of all the things he had expected to see today, the angel's bare ass wasn't one of them.

His jaw practically hit the floor as Cas' cheeks parted, a not so manly squeak leaving his lips as he truly registered what he was seeing.

That had been his second mistake he soon realised, (the first being not feeling the need to mention certain social protocols) as Castiel quickly ceased what he was doing and began to turn around to face him, a questioning look on his face.

"Sam?" The angel asked, tilting his head to the side as the hunter's eyes snapped shut and his face burned beetroot.

_This was so not happening._

"Urr...I'llLeaveYouToIt! He replied in a rush, attempting to brush past him, towards the doorway. He had never felt the need to curse a small bathroom as much as he did at that very moment. Unfortunately for him his blood supply was seemingly not reaching his legs and he soon found them giving out underneath him, his co-ordination skills falling to an all time low as he tumbled.

Castiel grabbed for him in an instant, tightening his hands around both of Sam's upper arms to prevent the inevitable crash. He may not have had the strength of an angel anymore, but he certainly had the reflexes of one.

Sam's face burned an even deeper shade of red if that was at all possible. He tried his hardest to not look down as he regained his balance, mortified as he stared over the top of Castiel's head. Turns out his height really did come in handy at times.

"You need to be more careful, I cannot heal you again." Castiel spoke, but his tone held little annoyance.

Sam was pretty sure he was looking up at him, monitoring his expressions, but he didn't dare check.

He closed his eyes once more and nodded, pulling his lips together.

"I know..." He all but forced out.

Castiel took that as his cue to let go and released his hands' grip. He turned in bewilderment along with Sam, to watch him continue to leg it out of the room. His eyes squinting as the hunter grabbed hold of the golden knob and slammed the door closed behind him.

He winced at the volume of the noise.

For a moment Castiel remained stock still, his eyes just staring at the wooden structure. As seconds past, he found himself knowing less and less of what Sam was doing on the other side and frowned. He really didn't like humanities sense of vision, or hearing for that matter he decided. It was so restricted and over sensitive compared to what he was used to.

Accepting he wasn't going to get any clue's from the hunter while they remained in different rooms, he glanced down at himself, wondering if the lack of clothing was the reason for Sam's abrupt behaviour.

At the time, he honestly hadn't seen a problem with removing his pants, Sam had already told him to do so before getting under the shower just minute earlier.

However the Winchester's were always so private about him seeing them like that, that perhaps he should have considered that it might have worked both ways. That Sam might have preferred him to wait until after he left before he undressed completely.

He would have to remember that for next time.

He shook his head and stepped towards the bath tub, eying it and the piece of metal that hung from the wall, suspiciously.

He brushed the thoughts out of his head as he cautiously stepped under the spray.

Human's had such odd unspoken rules.

On the other side of the door, Sam let out a shaky breath as he leant against the frame and ran a hand down his face.

Someone up there was rolling around, laughing their feathery wings off at his expense, he was sure of it.

Perhaps Lucifer had decided to try and embarrass him into saying yes instead. That, or God had a really sick sense of humour.

He manoeuvred himself to the bed, his face still very much crimson as he tried to steady his ever quickening pulse. He sunk back against the headboard, wondering how he was ever going to look Castiel in the face again, let alone share a bed with him. He really hadn't thought the sleeping arrangements through when he had paid for the room.

It wasn't that he minded per say, he liked having the angel close, but after seeing him stark naked - well he'd seen enough bad rom-coms to know sharing a bed following that event was not a good idea.

He felt a familiar blood rush travelling south and cringed.

He was so so screwed.

Now was really not the time for his desires to be stepping up a gear.

He thought of Dean and Bobby and his none existing, elderly grandma to try and distract himself. He needed to get everything back under control before Castiel re entered the room, the last thing he needed was the angel worrying about him and drawing all sorts of the wrong conclusions.

That was so not a conversation he wanted to have.

Ever.

The problem was the more he tried not to think about the curve in Cas' spine, the dips in his back muscles, the strength in his thighs, his bare- _errr_- the more he ended up thinking about it and a whole lot more.

Like, what if he hadn't closed his eyes?

He tilted his head up so he was facing the ceiling and threw his hands over his face, drawing them down his cheeks. He opened his mouth and let out a loud groan.

For a second he wondered if he was juvenile enough to pretend to be asleep. At least then he could put off facing him for that bit longer.

He closed his eyes again and rubbed at them, quickly discarding that idea, he ached like hell and didn't actually want to risk falling asleep for real. Besides he couldn't do that, he didn't want to trick Castiel in anyway, that wasn't fair, it was his problem to deal with, not the angel's.

He just had to be a god damn adult about this and get his thoughts back under control.

He kept his eyes shut and tried to clear his mind of everything regarding Castiel's (or was it Jimmy's?) body.

He squirmed. That was a whole over issue that he really did not want to deal with. He liked Castiel, but it was so easy to forget that what he was seeing was a vessel, another human and that the angel in reality was some sort pure light force. Having desires for the form he saw, wasn't the same as having them for the angel, there was a whole over person involved who was so easy to forget about. Nevertheless he couldn't, not really. While he knew the man had given his consent, twice actually, for Castiel to wear him as such, that didn't mean he wasn't still in there somewhere.

That he wasn't seeing or experiencing everything Castiel was.

He squeezed his eyelids tighter until they were so firmly pressed together that he started to see stars dancing away in the darkness. He concentrated hard on forcing every thought, every feeling into the deepest depths of his mind and locking them there.

If not for his own good, then for Jimmy's.

For a moment everything was silent, then he felt something cold brush against his face and flinched, his eyes snapping open in an instant. Without really thinking he darted them around, trying to search for the source.

Unsurprisingly there was nothing there.

He looked around again, unsurely this time, dread seeping into the pits of his stomach when he realised he could still see the stars, that they were becoming solid objects, rather than staying as the fuzzy missing dots in his vision that they were supposed to be.

'No, not again.' His mind panicked.

He heard something breathe heavy behind him and sat stock still in response, trying his hardest not to turn his attention towards it.

He was against a wall, it was impossible for anything to actually be there. He looked straight ahead instead and cursed when the stars morphed into shadows in front of him.

He tried to ignore them, tried not to register them as anything other than faint shapes. His own shadow, and the lampshade beside him, nothing more.

He tried to close his eyes, to truly block it out, but his brain was already focusing on them, trying to decipher what was going on behind him.

Slowly he saw a claw, with nails as sharp as blades, moving towards him.

He jumped to his feet, ignoring all reason, jolting as far away from it as he could get.

_'There's nothing there'_ He whispered to himself. _'Nothing there, nothing there, nothing there, nothi-'_

Something moved beside him and he span on his heels, taking a few steps into the centre of the room, looking from one corner to the next, trying to work out where it was safe.

Where he could stand and not see anything but furniture.

He turned to the window, the door, the bathroom, the bed.

_'Snap out of it Sam.'_

He heard a click behind him and his stomach lunged. The image of a cold hard gun appearing as a silhouette in his mind, a figure standing behind him, holding it to the back of his head.

He swallowed hard, bracing himself.

To go through all that detox, just for it to end this way, didn't seem fair.

_'Hallucinations cannot hurt you... For God sake A 2D object cannot shoot real bullets'_

That knowledge did nothing to stop his palms from sweating.

He tried desperately to pull at his memories, to work out what he needed to do. He was trained for this, he'd survived worse. He needed to grab the gun, to get it of his attacker, to-

"Thank you for your assistance with the shower, I fell a lot better now. " Castiel called out, his familiar footfalls re entering the room.

Sam froze, holding the tension in his shoulders as he attempted to register the voice- he knew it, he knew the person it belonged to.

He knew he did.

And he meant no harm.

He tried to take a deep breath, tried to calm himself down before he gave anything away.

It was just Cas and now he was safe.

He breathed out brokenly, his hand coming back to find his face.

He squeezed, trying to diffuse the two situations, separate them into what was reality and what was a horrible waking nightmare.

Castiel frowned as he watched Sam carefully, his lack of response confusing him greatly. He was holding himself weird, his shoulders locked and rigid in a way they never were. Slowly he stepped forward, wondering why the hunter was not turning around to face him, to even acknowledge he was there.

Surely he had gotten over the incident by now and he was certain he had spoken out loud. Even if he hadn't, Sam's instincts should have gone into overdrive the second he heard something enter the room.

Despite the purposely louder movement, he still did not react so Castiel stepped around him, so they were face to face, concern written all over his features.

He wanted to reach out to touch him, to snap him out of whatever trance he had been placed in, but one look at his expression, stopped him cold.

"Are you alright?"

Sam nodded forcefully and in Castiel's opinion completely unconvincingly. His eyes holding a level of fear equivalent to that of a child who had lost a parent in a crowd.

Castiel frowned more.

Something was going on.

He looked around, trying to pick out anything which could have caused such a reaction to someone whose whole life had basically been something out of a horror movie.

He saw nothing out of place and looked back to the hunter, hoping he would get some sort of explanation from him.

He was left disappointed.

"Yeah, can't complain." Sam replied, all but forcing a fake smile onto his face, his cheeks tight and almost cracking under the pressure to retain a happy composure.

Castiel squinted, he may not have been able to hear the boy's heartbeat any more but he didn't need to, Sam's whole posture gave it away.

And his eyes.

His eyes looked haunted.

It was eerie to see.

"Sam." He said in a warning tone, but the hunter brushed it off, walking back towards the window as if everything was normal, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

"Did you not like the clothes?" He asked, purposely changing the subject and indicating to the blue robe Castiel was wearing in replacement to what he had given him. He hoped he had at least remembered to put the pants on underneath.

He hoped, but he was never going to ask.

"No, I much prefer this. It's - freer." Castiel replied, studying Sam cautiously, his eyes trailing up and down him, picking apart his every limb as he tried to work out what exactly the problem was.

The man may have been a trained liar but Castiel was no fool.

"Good, that's good that you, well you know, that you know, what you like and what you don't." Sam continued, almost incoherently as he turned to look out the glass, placing his palms on the window sill and leaning his weight down on them. They shook slightly and Sam tightened his grip, willing them to be still and obey him for once.

Castiel pulled his eyebrows together and walked up behind him, reaching out and placing his hand on his shoulder gingerly.

Sam's whole body tensed at the contact.

Castiel found he was not at all surprised, but did not let go all the same.

"Sam, something is wrong with you, what is it?" He asked, locking his hand there and tugging, pulling the hunter around to look at him again.

He had learnt by now he had a better chance of extracting the information he wanted, if he was maintaining eye contact with him.

Sam's jaw was locked as he shook his head, denying the accusation.

Castiel practically rolled his eyes.

"You realise there has yet to be anything I have not learnt about you. Eventually you won't be able to hide it anymore...Telling me now will save you hours of needless suffering." He stated simply, refusing to let Sam drop his gaze.

He really was far too stubborn for his own good.

He wondered if there would ever be a time where Sam's desire to protect the people he cared about from the truth, would ever be outweighed by his need to share the burden that had been placed on him. Somehow he doubted it, Sam was far to selfless for that.

Foolishly so.

"Just tell me. Please." he continued.

"It's nothing important. You can't help me." Sam injected, his voice still slightly hoarse from the detox.

This time Castiel did roll his eyes.

"All the more reason for you to tell me." He countered, dropping his grip on Sam's shoulder and moving his hand down his arm until it rested on his wrist. Once there he squeezed it encouragingly.

Sam shook his head and opened his mouth to speak, looking very much like he was about to deny anything was wrong again, to reaffirm that it was nothing for the angel to concern himself with.

His gaze dropped to Castiel's hold on him, then travelled back to his face.

He closed his mouth and swallowed.

The concern for him was obvious, he couldn't deny it.

And he couldn't deny him.

"It's... I'm just ..." He trailed off, not really wanting to continue. As far as Castiel was probably concerned, the blood was gone and it was over and done with. He didn't want to inform him otherwise. Didn't want him to know it was still affecting him in such a way.

His tolerance of him must really have been stretched to the limit already.

"Yes?" Castiel egged on, nodding for him to continue, rubbing his thumb over the veins on his wrist repetitively, soothingly.

"I'm still seeing things." Sam eventually admitted, ashamed, his eyes falling to the ground.

For a moment, Castiel said nothing, just continued his previous action, then he stopped and nodded.

"I am not surprised. You've gone through a lot." He replied and Sam was stunned to find no judgement coming from him. He wasn't entirely sure what he had expected, but it wasn't that. He had sucked two demons dry, that didn't just get brushed aside, especially not by an angel. Perhaps the continued hallucinations was no less than what he deserved for committing such an act.

He shivered.

"Will it stop?" He asked almost reluctantly, like he was afraid of the answer. He didn't know what he would do if this became a permanent fixture in his life. He didn't think he would cope.

Castiel tilted his head to the side, considering the question carefully. He briefly thought about telling Sam what he wanted to hear, but stopped himself. Sam didn't need another person in his life hiding things from him.

"I'm unsure, it depends." He admitted and Sam's shoulders sagged.

"On?" He all but whispered.

"On whether you rest Sam. Your mind is no different to the wound stitched on your shoulder. It needs time to recover. Go and lie down, sleep. Give it a chance, there are no quick fixes I'm afraid."

Sam shook his head, his face draining of colour at just the thought of actually sleeping.

"I can't sleep. Lucifer is worse."

Castiel sighed.

"Then perhaps just start with laying down."

He tightened his grip and lead him over to the bed. Sam narrowed his eyes at him but reluctantly allowed himself to be moved and took a seat on the mattress. Bar entering luciferville at this point he would give anything a try if it meant the hallucinations would stop.

A part of him felt stupid, he knew what he was seeing wasn't real, he should have been able to deal with it in a logical manner. The thing was though, rational thinking pretty much went out the window when the visions appeared.

It was by no means fair, but to him everything was there.

Everything was real.

Everything could cause harm.

As soon as Castiel was sure Sam was actually going to stay put, he made his way back to the window to close the drapes. He smiled when he saw the small light display which was just visible in the sky.

" I never got to explain." He said suddenly and Sam, managed to force himself to ignore everything else and turn to look at him.

"Explain what?" He requested, his eyebrows drawing together.

Castiel completed his task and made his way back to the bed as he spoke.

"Why I chose here."

Sam looked troubled for a moment, before leaning forward, ignoring the burn in his back which erupted from the movement. Cas really was right, he needed rest.

"Why did you?" He asked curiously. He had been wondering that from the second he opened his eyes and realised it wasn't a figment of his imagination. That Castiel really had taken him to Finland, a place almost 4,000 miles away from where they originally were. It seemed random to say the least.

"It was the closest representation on earth I could find."

Castiel eyes softened as he reached out and placed his hand on the hunter's arm, sitting himself in front of him at the corner of the bed.

"To what?" Sam coaxed, his eyes locking on Castiel's, his heartbeat quickening again. He could still feel things, see things, hear things which weren't there, but he was so focused on the angel that found he didn't care. He knew Castiel was real and that was all that mattered, everything else sort of faded into the background.

"To what your soul looks like to me." He replied and watched with a smile as Sam's eyes darted to where the display was, now hidden behind thick curtains. He looked away and found Castiel's own again quickly, his forehead creasing, almost demanding an explanation as his lips parted.

For once it was an explanation Castiel was happy to give.

" I know you think that the demon blood has crippled your soul but that is not true. I won't deny there are dark specs within it, but it makes up so little of what you are. The lights out there, while impressive now, are nothing compared to what they were in the darkest part of the night. Agree?"

Sam nodded. He wasn't going to forget that display in a hurry.

"Your soul to me Sam, is just like that. The darkness which inadvertently surrounds you, makes the purity of it stand out so much more. A good soul is one thing, a good soul radiating through a darkened tinge is something else. Your soul is pure and an exception to everything it's supposed to be." He explained, squeezing Sam's arm. He had to make sure he got it. That he never thought such terrible things about something so amazing again. "It has a strength to it that I can't even describe to you. So I thought it was best to show you the beauty of it. So you could understand with your own eyes, what it is I see when I look at you."

Sam was silent for a moment, drawing his hands together to rest on his lap as he attempted to take in what he was being told.

A part of him wanted to scoff, to brush it off, to demand answers as to why he would make something like that up, but the other half knew, knew Castiel had no reason to lie to him.

That he wouldn't lie to him.

"It's not damaged?" He eventually settled on asking, wanting that reassurance that he really had just heard what he thought he did.

"No, it is not." Castiel confirmed, shaking his head slightly. He was seriously considering writing it down - Sam liked to read, maybe he could slot it into one of his books so he could never forget."While I cannot guarantee what would have happened if you continued down Ruby's path, I can assure you the demon blood you have ingested previously has had no lasting effect. It still shines."

"Cas I- Thank you!" Sam replied, nodding firmly. He paused for a moment then reached over and pulled him into their second hug of the day- one Castiel readily accepted. "Thank you for being here, for staying with me, for just ...everything."

"You are most welcome Sam." Castiel replied as they broke apart, though he noted he was now sitting a lot closer to the hunter than before. However despite this awareness he made no attempt to gather some distance between them. "I'm just sorry I couldn't help more."

"More?"

Sam pulled a face, taken back, wondering how on earth Castiel could even think he could have done anything else to support him.

"I couldn't find away to convince you I wasn't a hallucination. I think I did more harm than good for a while." The angel confessed.

Sam drew his brow together, wrinkles appearing on his nose, showing just how much he disagreed with that statement.

"No, no Cas you didn't, I mean, yeah I was confused but you were always there and it helped -so much, just knowing I wasn't alone, that I had you, whatever version of you my brain told me you were. It was... comforting. There is nothing else you could have possibly have done. I can't believe what you did do." Castiel smiled softly, reaching out. " Dying with someone, is a whole lot better than dying without."

He dropped his hand, grimacing.

"I'm glad I could help." He replied roughly, pressing his lips together into a thin line.

It was Sam's turn to frown.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No of course not... just don't die on me again." Castiel cautioned in as strong a voice as he could muster. He did not practically like remembering what had happened, even now, knowing Sam was breathing, didn't make it any easier. He hadn't experienced loss like that before and never wanted to again.

Sam half smiled, ruefully under a curtain of his hair.

"I will try."

"You will do more than try Sam Winchester."

Sam nodded. It wasn't exactly something he wanted to go through again either.

"Okay."

He laid back against the pillows, closing his eyes briefly as he tried to place his body in a more comfortable position. He couldn't seem to find one. He pulled the blankets up around him, trying to lock in as much warmth as he could.

The shower and the heat of the room had helped, but he was still cold and it was just causing him to ache more.

"Cas?" He asked quietly as the angel shifted to sit beside him and drew his legs up on to the bed. He turned his head, to indicate he was listening but said no words. "Do you mean it? My soul really looks like that?"

"Yes, even when we first met, that is what I saw."

Sam licked his lips.

"You hated me then." He pointed out as a matter of fact, though it didn't really bother him anymore. It stung back then, but they had both come so far since that he couldn't hold it against him. He would have hated him too if he was in Castiel's shoes.

"Perhaps, but I did not know you. Your repetition was that of a pit bull." He stopped, letting out a brief laugh. " You should have heard the stories that were told in heaven of the boy set to be Lucifer's vessel. You were this thing, scum, no better than the devil himself. There were petitions to kill you the second Mary conceived again."

"Jeez Cas don't sugar coat it." Sam broke in, tossing his head to knock his hair out of the way. He was painfully aware that his voice was never welcomed in prayers by heaven, he didn't need to know the details of their disdain for him.

"Right." Castiel continued. "However despite this, if you remember, I still shook your hand." He had realised to late that perhaps he had been a little too honest that time. There was apparently a fine line between not lying to someone and telling them details that were better left buried.

"Yeah, with great reluctance."

Sam stretched out the word great, raising an eyebrow as he recalled just how long it had taken for Castiel to reach out to return the handshake. He moved his own hand out slowly, almost robotically, as if to stress the point.

The angel looked down awkwardly, but was thankful to realise that there was no hurt being conveyed in his tone.

He hadn't considered at the time that his hesitation would have had any effect on him. Apparently he had been wrong.

"Perhaps, but I did it. Regardless of everything I heard. Uriel was not happy about that, wondered how I could bare to touch you. But how could I not, for something that was said to be humanities destructor, you were still so pure. I thought it was disguised somehow, that you were tricking us, so I touched you, that only confused me more. I haven't stopped being confused by you." He admitted and Sam smirked.

"Sorry about that."

Castiel could only glare at him, picking up on what he usually wouldn't.

"Your voice does not seem particularly apologetic." He remarked, copying an expression he had seen Sam pull many times before when he was unimpressed with something, but not annoyed, an important distinction he had learned.

Sam shrugged.

"That confusion led to us being friends, how could I be sorry about that."

Sam nudged into him and Castiel uneasily attempted to return the gesture.

That only made Sam smile more, sinking down into the pillows and shifting his position slightly, still not entirely comfortable. The angel shook his head as he watched his eyes droop closed of their own accord.

"You really should sleep, it's your body's only chance of recovering." He commented as he realised for the first time just how red Sam's eyes were - how evidently exhausted he was, despite how hard he was fighting to prevent it coming to the surface.

"I can't Cas, just please not now. If I sleep, Lucifer will come and I don't have the strength to fight him."

He looked dejected and Castiel's stomach twisted in response.

The angel debated what to do for a moment but the second Sam shivered he made up his mind. Luckily Sam sinking down meant that he was in a lower position on the bed than the angel, which would allow what he was planning to work so much better.

Awkwardly he moved his arm over Sam's head and placed it around him, resting his hand on the shoulder furthest away.

Sam gave him a weird look, but lifted his head up to make it easier for Castiel to wrap his arm around him. He also made no attempt to move away, almost sinking into the warmth that his body brought him.

Castiel took that as a good sign and shifted slightly closer, drawing Sam in.

"You really need to stop that." Castiel said carefully, looking down at him in concern.

"What?" Sam questioned, freezing slightly and attempting to sit back up, as if he had done something wrong in accepting what was offered. Castiel squeezed his shoulder, trying to convey to him that he had in fact gotten the wrong end of the stick and that wasn't what he was referring to at all..

"You need to stop saying you're not strong enough. You are. I don't put my faith in just anyone, but I put it in you."

Sam was somewhat grateful his hair probably blocked the angel's view of his face as he felt his cheeks burn, a deep blush setting upon them.

"Cas i-"

"No more talking Sam, you need to rest."

"Okay, but I'm not going to sleep." He mumbled in reply, stubbornly folding his arms across his chest.

Castiel shook his head and glanced around. Seeing a TV remote on the bedside table, he reached over to it, gathered it up and pointed it towards the box that hung in the opposite corner.

With a glance at Sam, to make sure he wasn't going to object, he switched on.

"I can't force you to, but please consider it. I won't let you face Lucifer alone."

Sam let out a 'hmmm' but made no attempt to say anything else, watching the screen as Castiel shifted through the channels, enjoying the warmth his body was giving out.

If Cas thought this would make him sleep, he was seriously underestimating his ability to stay awake, Sam concluded, as he properly settled into the sheets.

A few minutes later, as his head bobbed, Castiel could only smirk.

A smug satisfaction bubbling in his gut.

(**a/n) Merry christmas to everyone reading - Hope you all have a lovely day!**


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